hey, this is peanut! This is just a rewrite of my story. Everyone said it should be longer so i made it kinda longer. okay its not that long but hey its just a prologue and it is much more detailed.this is JUST the prologue. Enjoy!!!
~peanut~
Lacie shivered as she walked down the stairs in her thin, pink nightgown. Shadows danced around her as she walked, the silvery moon light creeping in the windows like ghosts coming to get her.
She could hear a faint beeping noise that sounded like it was whispering to her from the kitchen. The beeping got louder as she past her father’s open bedroom door. She peeked through his door finding the bed made neatly as if he hadn’t slept in it for days. Which Lacie knew was probably the case. Once again her firefighter father had gone off on another case without even leaving a note.
Must be a pretty big fire, Lacie thought as she made her way into the living room. She didn’t even bother flipping the switch as she entered the dark room. She squinted in the inky darkness as she felt her way around the coffee table in the middle of the room. Her heart stopped as she looked at the kitchen door. It had been smashed in toward the living room. Apparently someone had been in a hurry to get by and hadn’t bothered unlocking it.
An odd smell filled the air around her as Lacie pushed on the broken door. She could hear the hinge breaking as she pushed on it harder. The pressure was too much for the mangled door to handle; it cracked under Lacie, sending her to the ground with it.
Lacie struggled to get up, the lace at the bottom of her gown forcing her back to the ground. She took a deep breath before trying again but smoke filled her lungs making it harder and harder to breathe. She could hear the fabric ripping under her as she pushed herself up.
When she stood up and looked into the kitchen she unleashed a panicked scream. The precarious action allowed more smoke into her already damaged lungs. She could hear voices on the other side of the wall. They all yelled her name, but she could pick out one voice in particular: her cousin Spencer’s. She could hear his voice over all the others. But she couldn’t understand what they were saying. The fire had grown bigger over the last few minutes and she was distracted by the sound of the groaning kitchen ceiling. Lacie knew that if the ceiling fell she would be trapped.
It was as if the fire was playing a game and the old ceiling didn’t want to play. Lacie listened as the ceiling moaned in protest as the fire dared it to play. She stumbled away from the dangerous game, trying to get as far away as she could. Suddenly she felt like the world was being pulled out from under her as she fell to the floor, her head hitting the edge of the oak coffee table. Then the kitchen ceiling came crashing down and Lacie felt like her world was crashing with it.
As the plaster fell to the ground so did a man, his arms flailing in all directions. The last thing Lacie heard was the screaming of the man and the beeping of the fire alarm. Then all was black.
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139,537 Literary Works • 672,600 Reviews
Howdy there Peanut!
Well, here I am to review your story, like you asked. Let me start off by saying how awesome it is X3. You do a great job with discriptive language and displaying the characters personality through her actions. I did fiind a few little critiques...
The beginning of the sentence was really great - very discriptive and spook. But then the last part (in bold) fell a little flat. "coming to get her"? Perhaps something like "ghosts stalking their precious prey" or "creeping behind her heels" would be more appropiate.
should be 'passed'
Never start a sentence with 'which' unless it is a question. Try something along the lines of "Lacie knew this was probably the case".
Thoughts must be either in quotation marks or italics.
??? How can lace hold a girl to the ground? Is it snagged on the door?
Love love love this sentence. Very cool. However, you don't ever want to have the same word close together (like "play"; it's used twice too close to the first time). Mix it up a little
Other then those couple things, I loved it! Keep up the great work, and PM me when you get another chapter up! I want to know what happens next...
hey, thanks for reviewing!and swaysway i'd just like to point out that the living room didn't fall in the kitchen did. I should have mad that clearer, and Ill fix it soon. Also Cat your not that bad at editing
~peanut~
Alright, I stink at editing. The only things I can really catch while reading a story, is if an obvious word is spelled wrong. Trust me, I do it in my writing all the time.
I like it better this time, peanut. More detail, and you kind of get it the story more. But this time, it seems like you tried too hard. You tried too hard to add more description to the story. So you revealed more than you would probably like. Sorry I didn't tell you the first time I read it
The prologue (I spelled it right! Yay!!) is a whole lot better though (in my opinion). Good job Peanut!!!!
I think this line gives too much information too quickly. It needs to be led up to, as opposed to just a blanket statement. I feel it interjects the flow of the paragraph quite a bit.
Another thing I noticed was how heavy a sleeper she must be, not to have been awoken by her living room falling in, the voices outside etc, or the fact that doesn't know her house is on fire until she gets downstairs. It just seems like she might have gotten a hint long before she got to the actual fire.
I also think the story might read better if written in current time:
I don't know, that's just my opinion. I think it's a little bit confusing, you might want to work on the clarity in relation to the sequence of events, but it has potential so keep working on it.
Hope that helped a little.