z

Young Writers Society


16+ Language

In On A Secret

by peanut19


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.

Characters:

Gracelyn Stephens, seventeen

Lina Stephens, thirty-six

Joffery Stephens, fifteen

ACT I

Scene 1

LINA, thirty-six, sits in her bedroom putting on make-up at a vanity. She is wearing a purple robe. The mirror is smudged with fingerprints and fogged with her breath when she leans in closer to put on her mascara. The surface of the vanity is littered with bottles of perfume and make-up.

GRACELYN, nineteen, stands behind her mother at the foot of a bed that isn't made. A blue dress is draped over the mattress like a blanket and a book sits beside it, unopened. A bedside table with a lamp on it is the only other furniture in the room. The lamp is on.

As Gracelyn stands it's evident by her swatting that there are flies in the room. Her mother follows their movement in the mirror with out blinking; she is looking at their reflections. She smiles at the sight of her daughter trying to get rid of them.

LINA

There's one just...there.

GRACELYN

What, a fly? Yeah, it's been buzzing around your head for the past ten minutes. It's the perfume, probably. (pause as long as needed) I'm going to kill it.

Gracelyn leans over to pick up the book off of the bed.

LINA

No, not that one. Your brother's in that book. Pick something else. That fly's innocent, though.

GRACELYN

It's a fly, not a person, Mother. And I'm tired of its noise.

Lina makes a face in the mirror, annoyed by the use of the term "mother". Her lips are pursed, putting on lipstick as she talks.

LINA

I hate it when you do that. Call me "mother". It's so cold and horrible. And I don't hit you when you make noise.

GRACELYN

I'm not a fly. You can't just get rid of me if I talk. Would you rather I called you "Lina" seeing as that's your name?

LINA

I don't see why not. Lots of people do-get rid of children. You always hear about kids getting left in hot cars. Although, that's when they're not making noise. They're just...breathing. Killin' 'em for breathing, forgetting they're even alive.

GRACELYN

I'm gonna use this anyway. It's not my fault you left the windows open.

LINA

To get rid of the smell. It smells like death. Always like death.

GRACELYN

And perfume...

LINA

That's Joffery's book, and you'll not use it to kill anything.

GRACELYN

You keep saying "his" book. I don't see his name on the cover. His name is on a random page. It was put there by a psychiatrist. It's not like he wrote it.

LINA

His name's there. In ink. Which is more than I can say for yours. Pass me the tweezers.

Gracelyn picks up the tweezers off of the end of the vanity. Her mother doesn't look way from the mirror. She's being lazy. She could have reached them if she tried.

GRACELYN

Maybe I'll just catch it with these...It'll be like The Karate Kid, and you can watch me squeeze the life out of it. Damn flies. It's a wonder there aren't more than this with the smell. No wonder Joffery thinks it's him.

LINA

I know what you are saying and don't. Don't you blame it on me. Ever. Take it back. And give me the tweezers. Now.

GRACELYN

You could have just gotten them yourself. And I'm not taking it back. He's sick and you know it. You've just inhaled too much perfume to care.

LINA

What Joffery has...is a problem. That is not my fault. And Doctor Markus is trying to fix him.

Lina sprays more perfume.

And this (re:perfume) isn't making me high. You'd know if I was, and right now I wouldn't mind it. But I'm not. Now take it back.

GRACELYN

No.

Gracelyn waves a hand in front of her face to disperse the perfume.

Take a deep breath. Do you smell that? It's the mice in the wall that you haven't bothered to do anything about. It's what Joffery smells everyday when he comes home. They keep coming and dying from the heat in the drywall, moving around the beams and around the dead others trying to find a way out. And one day they just stop. The little machine of a brain that is keeping them alive fizzles out. Then they decompose.

LINA

I don't need to know--I already knew that. I don't need a science lesson from you. I don't need any of this from you.

Lina sprays more perfume. Gracelyn picks up the book and aims it at the fly on the opposite wall. The book hits and falls to the floor, cracked at the spine, pages fanning out under it. It stands up like a paper bridge.

GRACELYN

Got it.

She goes over to the fly and scoops it up into the pages like they are a dustpan.

Look. It's still moving. I don't know if flies are like this but did you know that if you break a butterfly's wing it's impossible for it to heal. It's made of veins.

LINA

No, I didn't. Nor do I care. Give me the tweezers; I have things I've got to do.

Gracelyn walks over to the vanity table and sets the book in front of her mother; the fly is still caught in the pages. Gracelyn pushes make-up and bottles so there's room for it. Then, she puts the tweezers into her mother's out-stretched hand.

GRACELYN

What? Like get ready for your date? Jesus. Do you know who you're going to see? God, Joffery would be pissed. If he could remember that he was alive long enough to be pissed.

LINA

Just because Markus sees Joffery doesn't mean that I can't see him when Joffery's not there.

GRACELYN

"See". You realize that word just took on two different meanings right?

LINA

Now you're going to teach me English. Lovely. And try to tell me what I can't do. I'm yourmom, Gracelyn, not the other way around. Don't forget that. Why are you even here? Don't you have places to be?

Lina plucks at her eyebrows, angered and uncaring. She has asked a question, but doesn't want an answer. She doesn't care about what Gracelyn has to say. She just wants to get ready and leave both Gracelyn and Joffery behind.

GRACELYN

No, because, unlike you, I wait until Joffery isn't going to be home to do things.

LINA

(Flatly and uninterested)

What's that supposed to mean?

GRACELYN

It means that you're too preoccupied with your date with Joffery's psychiatrist to worry about your own son. It's like you only let me keep him half-way breathing to get into his doctor's pants. It's not like you're going to get any information about of Markus about that book he's writing. He's not going to pay you anything even if he does write about Joffery's case.

Lina puts down the tweezers and reapplies the powder on her face. She still doesn't look at Gracelyn; her gaze is still fixed on herself in the mirror. And when she does look, she looks at her reflection, not even bothering to turn around to face her.

LINA

We don't do much talking, actually. So, information isn't really what I'm trying to get out of him. But nice try. We have other things to do besides wasting time talking about Joffery and his damned "case". I'm so sick of hearing about it. But if I'm going to get money out of if, you can sure as hell bet I'm going to do anything I can to get it.

GRACELYN

I told you: he's not going to give you anything. Except maybe another kid that you're going to ruin. Who knows, maybe this one will be just like Joffery, and you can have another kid who hates you so much that thinking they're dead is better than putting up with your shit.

Lina picks up the tweezers again, and plucks at a spot she missed. Her eyes are watering from the pulling of hairs rather than because of the remarks. When she's finished she picks up the fly with the tweezers.

LINA

Hold out your hand.

GRACELYN

What?

LINA

Hold out your hand; you heard me. You killed it; you get rid of it.

This time Lina turns around in her seat to drop the fly into Gracelyn. Lina is looking directly at her daughter when Gracelyn speaks.

GRACELYN

Is that what you're doing to Joffery? Is that why you won't pay for anyone to come and get the mice. Getting rid of him because he already think's he's dead.

LINA

The mice aren't Joffery's problem, and there's no reason to waste my money on something that won't fix anything.

Lina turns slightly and grabs the perfume again. She sprays it.

GRACELYN

Your money? Since when have you made money? I've been working my ass off to even have insurance, while you sit here spraying perfume and "seeing" Markus.

LINA

Yes. My money. This is my house. My rules. The money you make goes to me as payment for the five years I wiped you ass and the rest that I wiped your tears. If you have a problem with that you can take your insurance and go. And please God take your brother with you.

GRACELYN

If we left, Markus would, too. He doesn't give a shit about you. He's probably psychoanalyzing you every time he sets eyes on you. Making a list of things to put in his book. A whole book about Joffery's crazy would be kind of boring, not much money there. Why not throw in his mother's crazy, too?

LINA

If he's going to write about men, then he's going to write about you, too. Because you aren't the most sane crayon in the crayon box.

Lina puts the finishing touches on her make-up. Then she closes the book and stands.

GRACELYN

What would he possible write about me?

LINA

I don't know, but I'm sure I could think of something to tell him...I'm full of your secrets. All those times you came home blubbering about this or that. All those threats you made that got you kicked out of Westlen. Don't think I don't know about those. And if they aren't true, I'll probably tell him anyway. Fiction's better than fact and all that.

Lina steps out of her robe and into a short blue dress that belongs to Gracelyn and doesn't quite fit right. She turns side to side and looks at herself in the mirror like it was tailor made for her.

GRACELYN

You don't know what those kids were going to do to Joffery. Somebody had to do something because you sure as hell weren't going to. And, besides, if I didn't get kicked out, I wouldn't be here.

LINA

Yes. Well that doesn't seem like such a bad thing at the moment.

GRACELYN

Taking care of him! If I wasn't here you'd let him die just like he thinks he already has. If I wasn't here, he wouldn't be getting treatment and actually living like a half-way normal person. As normal as you can get living here.

LINA

Let me let you in on a little secret: He's a lost cause.

GRACELYN

You only think that because you go and hide every time he comes home. You go sleep with his doctor so you don't have to sleep in the same house as your own son.

LINA

Markus told me. He's a lost cause. The meds that your insurance is paying for are just sugar in a shell. They aren't doing anything at all except letting his brain rot the rest of the way.And you could let him get hit by lightning and the shock wouldn't change anything.If I had it my way, I'd just tell him to give him something to speed up the process so Joffery can get what he wants. Already thinks he's dead--wants to be dead. Not really much of a difference, if you ask me.

GRACELYN

I didn't.

LINA

Maybe you should ask Joffery because I'm not going to. I have a date and need to get out of here before he comes home and makes me smell like death, too. Oh, and your dress looks much better on me. Not that Markus will be paying much attention to it...

Lina walks toward the door and grabs her shoes, not bothering to put them on before she walks out of the house and down the driveway where a car is sitting. Coming toward the car, a boy walks down the road. Lina gets into the car. The car swerves like it is going to hit the boy, Joffery, but he jumps into the grass and they pass. Once they are gone and the road is clear, Joffery gets back on the road before turning and walking up the driveway. There is a backpack on his back. His clothes are stained and wrinkled and his hair is long and uncombed.

By the time he comes by the doorway that leads into his mother's room his sister has made a hole in the wall using the body of the lamp from her mother's bedside table. It now lies, bulb broken and plaster covering the black frame, beside Gracelyn on the floor beside the vanity. Joffery stops in the doorway, and he watches as she picks up the lamp once more and hits the wall making the hole larger.

Nothing falls out, but as the hole grows bigger it's obvious that the smell gets worse. She picks up the perfume Lina was spraying earlier and throws it through the hole along with the book that was lying on the vanity. When she gets up to get a pillow off of her mother's bed, she sees Joffery in the door frame watching her with his hand over his nose. Gracelyn takes the pillow and shoves it into the hole she has created to fill the gap. She puts the broken lamp back on the bedside table before going to where Joffery stands. She pulls the door shut behind her so that they are both out of the room.

Lights fall.


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
1272 Reviews


Points: 89625
Reviews: 1272

Donate
Sun Aug 25, 2013 8:42 pm
Rosendorn wrote a review...



Hello.

Extraordinarily late is my specialty.

To be honest, you lost me when you brought in the line about Lina wanting Gracelyn to call her by her real name. The reason being this should've been established when Gracelyn started talking. Not when she's seventeen.

It seems like you're trying to cram too much character development into the piece, without using a detailed backstory to determine their behaviour. The characters begin to exist the moment they step on stage and interactions are based on what they've previously said in the scene, unless it's plot convenient.

This is particularly jarring when you rely heavily on backstory with that book. We have no history being shown with Gracelyn and Lina, yet all sorts of backstory with Joffery and Lina. What this tells me is Gracelyn has been thoroughly ignored for what appears to be her whole life, but if that's the case then this should be akin to their first meeting for her to not call her mother by the preferred name. That, or Gracelyn is doing the misnaming out of spite, which is plausible but isn't played out that way. It's played out as an honest mistake she's not apologetic for.

Reading the whole thing, you switch between no backstory and all backstory, using dialogue for exposition when it's convenient and not actually building it from the ground up. The piece is only developed around whatever they're talking about, at which point you dumped all relevant information into an exposition argument.

There is also a certain lack of resolution to this piece. It doesn't stand alone, yet you expect it to. I don't see much of a point past an argument and an infodump, despite you having some mildly engaging moments.

My one huge worry is that you simply pulled a fictitious mental illness (or several) to make this as drama filled as possible without actually considering what mental illness(es) could be playing a factor. Lina is one of the easiest with delusion, but it doesn't feel real. It's all drama and no nuance, when nuance is the heart and soul of mental illness. Most people with it don't explode. Most people just have little quirks here or there that can be brushed off as personality flaws by everyone around them.

If you are going to pick mental illness, then do your research. Extensive research. Find out about day to day life. Read blogs. Browse tags on tumblr. Find the medical diagnosis criteria for each. Find the medical diagnosis criteria for a few years back. See what gets people committed to hospitals (which I assume Joffery is, but again, that doesn't make much sense considering how tight security is on a mental hospital).

Also this:

And this (re:perfume) isn't making me high.


Isn't exactly what I'd call good stage direction. It should be really obvious that she's referring to the perfume. If you wanted to have the stage direction be subtle, put in "she lifted the perfume for emphasis" or something like that. re:perfume just does not read well.

Overall, this was something that didn't really catch my attention, and I'd go back to revise it. After doing some extensive research and character building. Maybe try to make it less like My Sister's Keeper, which this seemed to be a fanfiction of. Delusional mother, worn down sister, and a sick lost cause. The main difference between My Sister's Keeper and this, right now, is the mother is forgetting about both children instead of dotting extensively on the sick one. Which is also rather confusing, seeing as Lina seemed to be rather concerned about Joffery at the beginning, not wanting "his" possessions to be messed with. Then she reveals she doesn't care at all at the end.

Hope this helps. PM me if you have any questions/comments. And, again, sorry for being so late.

~Rosey




User avatar
933 Reviews


Points: 4261
Reviews: 933

Donate
Mon Jun 24, 2013 6:04 am
Iggy wrote a review...



Hey! Iggy here to review, as requested.

Since you asked about character development, I'm going to focus on that. I completely agree with aouther2b when they said this:

1. The characters. I found it hard at times to distinguish Gracelyn and Lina, who is mother and who is daughter, and how each of them feels about Joffery. Sometimes I felt Lina was the one trying to be the daughter and other times I could tell she was the mother, but there was definite confusion. I do hope that there is character development throughout the script seeing as this must be only a small portion.


I felt this way as well. It was very confusing for me to distinguish Lina from Gracelyn and how they felt for Joffery. There were times when Lina would defend her son and Gracelyn would attact, then vise versa. What is it? Who is on his side and who is against? That is something you'll need to decide, and make it clear to the reader for the next scene.

Another thing is Joffery. Obviously he has a problem, but what is it? Will this be mentioned soon? Will we know what it is?

A note: Lina seems like she'd be the villain here. She's too busy seeing her son's psychiatrist to really pay attention to Joffery. It seems like Gracelyn is the one who mainly cares for her brother, so that is some strong character development there. I suggest you keep that constant during the entire play, unless you are planning a plot twist, otherwise you will confuse your readers.

I think that's it for now! I'm willing to have a look at scene 2, just post in my WRFF thread when it's up and running. Cheers!

~ Iggy.




User avatar
122 Reviews


Points: 249
Reviews: 122

Donate
Mon Jun 17, 2013 2:38 am
View Likes
aouther2b wrote a review...



Hi there,

So I haven't really had much experience in reviewing scripts, but now is a good of a time as any to start.

What I liked:

1. The dialog. It’s realistic and also very gripping. There are certain lines, like about the butterfly wings, that just stick in your mind.

2. The story line. The idea is original and very well thought of.

3. The staging. You accomplished something great with the set you created. The idea of the deteriorating house matches with the idea that this young boy is sick, or dying.

What I didn't like:

1. The characters. I found it hard at times to distinguish Gracelyn and Lina, who is mother and who is daughter, and how each of them feels about Joffery. Sometimes I felt Lina was the one trying to be the daughter and other times I could tell she was the mother, but there was definite confusion. I do hope that there is character development throughout the script seeing as this must be only a small portion.

2. The format. And this is only because I have studied it, you don't format it like a script so sometimes I found it hard to follow. If you need help formatting let me know and I can get you the information.

Overall:

Great concept with a rawness that captures the reader. Great Job!




peanut19 says...


Thank you! I was going by a play that I was reading at the time. I just kind of tried to mimick the formatting from what I saw in the printed version. Do you know how to format plays? Not screenplays, like stage plays? Because if you do, I'd love some help!



spinelli says...


I didn't really see anything off about the format except that often the stage directions are put in brackets or parenthesis, otherwise it looked normal. Unless they're talking the typical Broadway format where everything is centered. And character names often look like "Lina." with a . at the end, then dialogue.



User avatar
58 Reviews


Points: 803
Reviews: 58

Donate
Mon Jun 17, 2013 12:19 am
View Likes
spinelli wrote a review...



I love it. The ONE thing I have to say is if we're watching from outside the script, we don't know anyone's names besides Joffery and Markus. If this were a scene, we'd never learn Gracelyn or Lina's name. I suppose it's not an awful thing, but if the names hold significance to you, maybe think about that? Definitely not a real issue though. I'm an English/Theater student and if you could make this into a full script I'd be so stoked. Really solid character work. Good job.





"Yesterday you said tomorrow, so JUST DO IT."
— Shia Labeouf