Young Writers Society

Thanks for helping me out! I will defiantly change it up a little and repost my poem!

Drugs,
Why people do drugs?
They hear its bad #FF0000 ">Comma
They know its wrong #FF0000 ">Comma
But why why do they do them #FF0000 ">So[color=#FF0000 ][/color]long?
I know the cancer #FF0000 ">Comma
I know the life #FF0000 ">Comma
A life i've #FF0000 ">I'velived
Every night #FF0000 ">Comma
But why I'd start?
Why would they?
If the drugs just stay #BF0000 ">This doesn't really make much sense
It's bad #FF0000 ">There bad, not it's
It's strange #BF0000 ">There strange
To get addicted to they #FF0000 ">To get addicted to they doesn't really make sense here.
I have stopped
It took a while #FF0000 ">Comma
So many drugs #FF0000 ">Comma
Will last a mile #FF0000 ">This doesn't really make sense.
I am done #FF0000 ">Comma
And won't return #FF0000 ">Period
The drugs I took declared my turn
I was saved and so can you #FF0000 ">Comma
If you just say #FF0000 ">Comma
No drugs too.

Loved it. Your rhythm was excellent. I understood the plot instantly and I think you have true potential.

Keep writing- good luck
JJxVoodo

Hi there. Lavvi in for a review.

So, I want to focus on the fact of lacking words, punctuation and grammar. Some lines are read and there seems to be missing words, like the second line. It's like you wrote this very quickly without much thought at all.

Secondly, your punctuation is lacking. We need some or else lines are just floating in the air, with no indication of where to go. We can't have that, can we?

Also, you need to capitalize the words that should. Like "i to I".

Yours,
Lavvi

This message is good, but I didn't really like it as a poem. Someone else said that already, so I won't go into it. But it was definitely a good theme, so keep editing it!

Some of the rhymes are defiantly forced here. I love the whole idea to the poem though. It has potential.

Drugs are always something easy to write about. It's a topic that always varies. You can talk about a loved one doing drugs, a friend, yourself. You can talk about liking or disliking them. There are always very heavy, complicated emotions involved with them. The amount of imagery you can use is countless. I'm not saying it's bad to write about. it's actually a very interesting topic-- something I tend to enjoy reading about, as strange as it sounds. It doesn't matter whether it's a book, song lyrics, or even an article. It's strange seeing the affect they have on people. Try to be really creative about this topic. Imagery. Emotions. Metaphors.

peachygirl101 wrote:Drugs.
Why do people do drugs?
They hear they're bad.
They know they're wrong.
But why do they do them so long?
I know the cancer. Interesting. You should explain this more!
I know the life.
A life I've lived
Every night. very pretty.
But why did I start?
Why would they? Who's 'they'?
If the drugs just stay, A little confusing here. help us out. Stay where? Details are more important than rhymes.
It's bad.
It's strange.
To get addicted to Them. 'they' sounds too forced.
I have stopped.
It took a while.
So many drugs,
they last a mile.
I am done,
And won't return.
The drugs I took
declared my turn.
If I saved myself,
Than so can you.
If you just say no
to those drugs too.

First and foremost, you MUST reread your work and make sure all grammatical errors, if anything else, is correct.

Drugs
Why people do drugs?
They hear it's bad
They know it's wrong
But why why do they do them long? I must ask, were you trying to rhyme here? If so, I don't suggest it, since you kind of stop after these two lines
I know the cancer
I know the life
A life I've lived You question why people do drugs, yet you've experienced it yourself. I don't understand.
Every night
But why I'd start?
Why would they?
If the drugs just stay
It's bad
It's strange
To get addicted to them
I have stopped
It took a while
So many drugs
Will last a mile
I am done
And won't return
The drugs I took declared my turn "Return" and "turn" are probably bad rhymes. Just my opinion.
I was saved and so can you
If you just say
No drugs too.

I think this might be read a little neater if you added the proper punctuation. Sorry, it's just a pet peeve of mine. x) Also, because I noticed you added the question marks, but they were also the only punctuation there.

peachygirl101 wrote:Drugs
Why #BF0000 ">do people do drugs?
They hear #BF0000 ">it's bad#BF0000 ">(,)
They know its wrong#BF0000 ">(,)
But why#BF0000 ">(,) why do they do them long? #BF0000 ">(Did you mean "all along"? This part doesn't exactly flow to me.)
I know the cancer#BF0000 ">(,)
I know the life#BF0000 ">(;)
A life #BF0000 ">I've lived
Every night#BF0000 ">(.)
But why I'd start? #BF0000 ">(I think you meant, "But why'd I start".)
Why would they?
If the drugs just stay #BF0000 ">(You should clarify more what you meant to say by "If the drugs just stay".)
It's bad
It's strange
To get addicted to they #BF0000 ">(This doesn't sound right at all, your attempt to simply rhyme stay and they.)
I have stopped#BF0000 ">(,)
It took a while#BF0000 ">(.)
So many drugs
Will last a mile#BF0000 ">(.)
I am done
And won't return#BF0000 ">(;)
The drugs I took declared my turn#BF0000 ">(.)
I was saved and so can you#BF0000 ">(,)
If you just say
No drugs#BF0000 ">(,) too. #BF0000 ">(I think this might sound better if you made it "No to drugs.")

If the drugs just stay
It's bad
It's strange
To get addicted to they

This is a good message, but as a poem is doesn't work very well as it is. Poetry is largely about figurative language, imagery, etc, not just message (well, all writing is about more than just message). I think you can turn this into something really good, but you need to work at it.

Now, you say you've "lived the life," and maybe you really have and maybe that's just the narrator talking and you're actually drug-free and always have been (in which case, good for you!) Either way, here's my suggestion: Try bringing in some images specific to drug use. What sorts of things do you associate with drugs? Of course there's the stuff everyone knows about - needles, powder, etc etc. There's the first high, the consistent use, the withdrawals, maybe death or rehab (whichever way you want this to go). Try taking some of those things and describing them. (I can't give you any examples at the moment because it's 10:40 at night and also I've never used drugs and I don't know anyone who's used drugs consistently.)

Like I said, the message is good - now the words and images need to become powerful enough to match it. Maybe follow a single person - the narrator could even talk to "you" to bring the reader closer to the poem - i.e., instead of saying something like "she picks up the needle," you would say "you pick up the needle" (that's a crappy line anyways, but it's just an example). But anyways, consider following a single person and describing what happens as they get into and go through drug use. At the end you can either kill them off or put them into rehab - at any rate, by doing this you should be able to get your message across without telling us what the message is.

Let me know when you revise this, I'd really like to see how it turns out!

~Blue