Within himself,
Beyond those cold indifferent eyes,
Somewhere along the bitterness,
Beneath his soothing lies.
Between his apathetic remarks,
From his molded carved face
Straight through his melancholic heart
He was simply just counting his days.
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Excellent. Short yet very good.
I agree, the first line is a bit too short.
Also, get a bit more into the suicide theme. If you hadn't mentioned it was about suicide, it would have taken me awhile to realize.
You don't need to tell a story, I like what you have here, but make it more clear to the reader that this is about suicide.
Good work!
...I guess you got the message from administrators about the rules
It's so nice when someone actually reads these things...
Thanks so much Kissthewitch and Suzanne for taking the time to read and review it.
Hello Peace!
I like how you keep this from being melodramatic, but I don't like this sentence. It's a fragment, so I don't see this sentence going anywhere. What is within himself? You're just saying that something is within, something is beyond, it's somewhere, beneath.... but you're not really saying anything with this sentence, because like I said there isn't a main verb. I'd just try rewriting it, perhaps, so that it isn't a fragment anymore.The word "just" weakens this line.
In your last sentence, you should probably add some more punctuation because the last line is its own sentence, but you don't have punctuation showing it.
This is a really great poem because you haven't overworked the emotions with lots of bad adjectives. However, you do have a lot of adjectives. It's a wonderful start, but like Kiss said, try to show the emotions instead of list them. Can you describe the feelings, vividly, so your reader can sense them too?
I do really love the last line.
Hi peace. I'm glad you didn't go too dramatic in this poem, which is what suicide poems tend to be. However, there were a couple of things that bothered me. For example, your first line is so much shorter than the rest that it doesn't really work. You also used a lot of adjectives, and the poem ends up reading like a list and leaves the reader with a lot of questions. Like, how did he die/kill himself? What made him do it? Who did he leave behind? I get that this was something he kept to himself, and it must have been a shock to his friends and family. So use this opportunity to tell us his story and really make it powerful and I think you will have a very moving piece of work. PM me if you need any more help.
xxxxxx