Published October 25, 2010
"Come on, Khloe! It'll be lots of fun!" Khloe Jackson looked deep into her friend's eager faces and then back at the huge roller coaster looming in front of her, tantalizing her, telling her she couldn't do it. "What if I get sick?" Khloe asked her friends. "Just trust me. You'll love it." Her best friend, Jack, was telling her with a kind look on his face. Though she was set against it, somehow Khloe found herself strapped into the brightly colored seats of The Punisher. She yanked on the heavy straps one last time. Butterflies flew through her stomach and up into her throat. She managed to swallow them down. Fear raced through her. The girl took a deep breath as the roller coaster jolted forward. Up, up, higher, and highter the roller coaster climbed. Time slowed as she stared, wide eyed, down the side of the tracks and she realized she was shaking. Regret slammed into her like a brick wall. Suddenly, time snapped back into place as the row of cars flew down the first hill. Khloe's stomach slammed against the back of her throat. Her breath ran out of her mouth in a gasp. She wasn't able to breathe in until the roller coaster ran it's course. Climbing off, Khloe realized that she loved the roller coaster. The rush of adrenaline was amazing. Now she loves roller coasters!
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This was something that I wrote in school and I just decided to post it up here. It's actually about me and my first ride on a roller coaster. I just made up some characters and stuck them in there. I wasn't really planning on making it into a bigger story. If you really want me to, can you give me some pointers on how to expand it?
alot of people can relate to it, with the fear of roller coasters it's good. Maybe you should expand on it and make it a bigger story.
Hey Pazey. So, this was cute. It kind of reminded me of a short story that I wrote a few weeks back. However, it could definitely be much better then it is right now.
The piece as it stands is too short to provoke any real emotion, character development or for you to develop any conflict. I understand that this is a flash, and more of a vignette then a typical story, there has to be something that will keep us hooked. Right now, this is what the story is like: Khloe doesn't like roller coasters, her friends make her go on a roller coaster, and then, all of the sudden she likes them.
At minimum, I would develop both her fear and when/why she decides that she suddenly likes the roller coaster. For the former, if we know why she doesn't like roller coasters and why she's too scared to go on them, we'll get to sympathize with her more and also be able to relate to the situation that she's in. Also, show, don't tell us that she's scared. Is she shaking? Is she red-faced and sweating? Describe the feeling in her stomach beyond just "butterflies".
Developing the latter would tie everything together and add a layer of sense. We don't just go from liking something to not liking something; there has to be something that changes inside of us, even if it is at a subconscious level. Maybe she decides she likes it subconsciously while on the roller coaster, and then consciously afterward. So, say you were to draw out the ride a bit more. For the first drop, maybe she is she terrified and nervous and screaming her guts out. For the second, maybe she's a little scared but not as much because she's expecting it. And for the last drop maybe she feels like she should be scared but really isn't. Then we get she isn't scared anymore without her ever saying it until after the ride.
Overall, this was a cute piece--I'd love to see an edit. PM me if you have any questions.
-Elinor x
Hey, pazey13! This was a really excellent piece! You followed the YWS "Show, not tell" phrase perfectly! Plus, I can totally relate! I'm scared of roller-coasters too! You described that first feeling brilliantly! I enjoyed this so much! Can you do another one? If so, pm me please!!!