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Tiny tree frogs croaked in trees covered with thick moss. Their voices started off as single chirps, but slowly their calls harmonized. The frogs created a song that set the mood for the dying light. A young girl sat on the edge of a wooden dock and listened to their songs. The dock creaked as the girl’s bare feet dangled above the water. A Canon camera hung from her neck. Above the marsh grass, the sun fell from the sky and bled pink and orange.
Her task was simple. Her father had asked her to capture the sunset for every night he had been gone. Three months had passed and Flora May had collected ninety-one pictures of the sun escaping the sky. Every time the sun set she was filled with dread. Night after night she watched the sun leave the sky, and it reminded her how her own father had left her. Didn’t the sun realize how lonesome the nights were without his presence?
The girl aimed her camera at the streaked sky. She hadn’t wanted to wait for the replacements to come, for the moon and his children were only a reflection of her father. Flora placed her finger on the shiny button and squinted through the lens. The sun had just slipped beneath the Earth when she snapped the picture. Ninety-two.
Flora May remembered the night her father had left. He sat with her at the kitchen table. She stared at her father’s face as if it held the answer to her troubles. “But why are you leaving?” she asked. Tears welled in her eyes, but she’d wiped them away before they could fall.
Her father had shifted his weight in his chair, “I got into some trouble,” he said. “Now I need to go fix some things.” Flora started to cry. Her father had noticed and wiped her tears away, “Don’t cry Flora, I really will be back soon,” his voice cracked. “I love you,” he said and took her into his large arms. “Will you do me a favor while I’m gone?” She nodded into his chest. His shirt smelled like cigarettes and sweat. “Take a picture of a beautiful sunset for every night I’m gone,” he said. Flora squeezed him goodbye. A few minutes later, Flora watched as sirens came to take her father away.
Flora watched the sky grow darker. She stood with her arms outstretched, the dock rocked. Water splashed onto the dock and the damp wood caused her to lose her balance. Flora’s eyes grew wide as she descended into the water. Her heart raced. “What will happen to the pictures?” she thought. She swam to the surface and gasped for air, then reached for the dock. Flora clawed her way out of the water. The marsh grass danced in the wind and turned its back on her. When she was once again on dry land, she inspected her camera. It was ruined. The black camera wouldn’t turn on. The water had destroyed every picture Flora had taken.
When Flora realized that every picture was gone, she threw the camera as far as she could into the salty water, and watched as the camera sunk beneath the surface. “No more goodbyes.” she yelled. Beside the dock, a street lamp flickered and the moon reflected a comfortable glow.
The frogs created a song that set the mood for the dying light.
Every time the sun set she was filled with dread. Night after night she watched the sun leave the sky, and it reminded her how her own father had left her. Didn’t the sun realize how lonesome the nights were without his presence?
When Flora realized that every picture was gone, she threw the camera as far as she could into the salty water, and watched as the camera sunk beneath the surface. “No more goodbyes.” she yelled. Beside the dock, a street lamp flickered and the moon reflected a comfortable glow.
Hello, steampowered here for a review! Welcome to YWS, and congratulations on uploading your first work to the site.
Even without taking into consideration the fact this was something you wrote quickly, I was incredibly impressed. You’re clearly a talented writer with a well-developed writing style, and I’d love to read more of your future work!
Tiny tree frogs croaked in trees covered with thick moss. Their voices started off as single chirps, but slowly their calls harmonized. The frogs created a song that set the mood for the dying light. A young girl sat on the edge of a wooden dock and listened to their songs. The dock creaked as the girl’s bare feet dangled above the water. A Canon camera hung from her neck. Above the marsh grass, the sun fell from the sky and bled pink and orange.
for the moon and his children
“What will happen to the pictures?” she thought.
What will happen to the pictures? she thought.
The black camera wouldn’t turn on
Hello, paula ~ Weclome to YWS! I hope you enjoy your stay here ^^ Let's jump right into this review for your lovely piece of work.
I must say, you have very established descriptions and a wonderful tone throughout the entire short. The scene set is very clear in our minds and the feelings of this girl on the dock are conveyed so well ~ it's all well rounded and balanced in all the elements, which made it enjoyable and so well crafted. Great job!
Now, one thing that sort of bothered me was how did Flora simply fall in? I really don't know much about docks themselves, but I don't really recall them be able to rock so fiercely that someone on the dock itself would lose their balance and fall in. That's more like sitting on an actual boat, I believe. (Correct me if I'm wrong.) Also, normally there aren't waves that strong in lakes -- because I assume she is on a lake -- because there are no natural waves in lakes. Those that do come are from strong gusts of wind, which are unlikely, and boats. Because you describe it at sunset, I don't believe there are many boats out.
Another thing that I noticed was where is Flora exactly? And I mean by position on the dock. At one point I thought she was sitting at the edge, but later on she was described as standing with her arms wide. I don't recall any mention of her standing up? (I may have skipped over that though.) That should probably be further clarified.
Thought that's all I have! Aside from some other probably irrelevant questions, this story is really short and sweet and brings a touching story around in a full loop with a good conclusions ~ wonderful job!
Hope I help some ~ Happy Writing!
~Wolfe
Wow, paulaplate - this is a very emotional and immaculate story. Well done! I'm stunned by your exceptional writing, and your beautiful words. Your details are immaculate and thoughtful. I could see the sun dipping in the sky, Flora sitting on the dock, her taking the picture, her memories, the way she fell into the water, and, lastly, the end of her goodbyes. These descriptions were powerful, thoughtful, and did a wonderful job of making each scene clear and vivid to the eyes of the reader. Finally, these details contribute immensely to the sheer beauty of the work, adding rich layers of emotions into the story and crafting a more intense and powerful work than if these details had not been here. From the way that you provided a flashback into the way that Flora's father was arrested, I felt sadness and sorrow at Flora's plight. When you described the way that Flora fell into the water, I was stunned and horrified, knowing that her camera would no doubt be ruined and all those photos ruined. When you described her anger at the end of the story, I was surprised by her reaction, but also saddened. It seems she has finally forsaken her father's wishes, and has been wrecked by the events that took place three months ago. In all, the descriptions in your story are beautiful and ingenious, and the emotions that you convey in this story, derived from the said descriptions, are equally intense and powerful. Needless to say, this story even made me want to cry - it was that good.
However, I would like to point out two noticeable errors that I noticed in the course of reading the story. In the fourth and fifth paragraphs, when Flora May remembers the scene in which her father was arrested, you use the incorrect tense. When you are describing a story in the past tense, and portray an event that takes place even before the main story, words such as "was" are usually replaced with "had been," so as to convey the setting of the event. I just wanted to point that out. Secondly, though this is also minor, in a sentence in the second-to-last paragraph - "She stood with her arms outstretched, the dock rocked" - the two parts of the sentence don't match together. They are two independent clauses, which would normally be connected with a colon, semicolon, or a comma and a subordinating conjunction, none of which connect the clauses in this sentence. As a suggestion, you could try to use any of these, or add more details, so as to connect the two components of this sentence so that they fit better together, and improve the flow of the sentence overall. Nonetheless, I found no other grammar, spelling, or any other kind of mechanic error throughout this story; it is almost perfect as far as that goes.
In conclusion, this is beautiful. Your character development, descriptions, and the sheer emotion of this piece overwhelm me in their splendor and excellence. This story was appealing, and I enjoyed reading it from start to finish. I loved the theme of the story, your usage of the setting to convey the mood and equally powerful tone of your composition, and I thought this was incredible. Welcome to YWS, paulaplate, and well done! This is amazing!
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