When I found you, I lost myself,
I give you love ,But none comes back,
You still stand there, Upon my shelf,
Although my hopes, Are tainted black,
Our friendship is a one way street,
I lay forgotten at your feet,
But I still know you really tried,
Because to me, you never died.
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I like this poem! Your writing is different because it doesn't make sense; it only shows one side of a story.
When I found you, I lost myself, I give you love ,But none comes back,You still stand there, Upon my shelf,Although my hopes, Are tainted black,Our friendship is a one way street,I lay forgotten at your feet,But I still know you really tried,Because to me, you never died.
One realy annoying thing is CAPITALS in the Wrong places.
Hiya, Patatopie! Nice to meet you.
So, I do like this, actually.
You shouldn't capitalize words even if there is a comma before them in the middle of the sentence/line unless it is neccesary for a name, or etc. Remove that capitalization you did there.
So, I don't really understand the last two lines...explain, please, I hope I'm not missing something.
But, overall nice job.
-Mizz
Hiya Patatopie! Welcome to YWS!
You've got a good idea going here. It's very easy to relate to, which is good in poetry. I'm just wondering about the last two lines of your poem. They either don't really seem to fit, or fit in a way that makes sense to you but not to the reader (me, and as I read, Matt, at least.)
The rhythm seems good; maybe a bit off at times, but still solid. I suggest reading it aloud and seeing if there's anywhere you may want to add, take out, or change words to make it flow better.
I noticed as well that you had words in the middle of all your sentences in the first stanza capitalized. I see that there are commas there, but they still shouldn't be capitalized in the middle of the sentence.
Other than that, good job! I hope to see more from you soon!
Take care and keep writing!
~Freyja
Hi! I think this poem flows really nicely, and you put your ideas across well in a small space. The rhyming is good, and I only noticed on a second reading that you changed the rhyming pattern after the second stanza. However, in the first stanza you capitalise words in the middle of the line/sentence unnecessarily. I also think the commas in the middle of the second, third and fourth lines are not needed. I would like to see more about who you are, and who the other person is, just to get a clearer picture of the situation and to make it a little easier to relate to. Nice work, though.
Hey, Topie!
The rhymes and the rhythm in this poem work overall very well. Rhyming poetry has the certain sort of togetherness that I like but find quite difficult to do myself, and that's why I always enjoy it when a poem rhymes well.
Pretty much the only part where the flow was disturbed was the ending couplet of the opening stanza. Both of the lines are one or two syllables too long and you can hear it when you read it out loud.
The punctuation seems to be a bit off. I mean, technically it's correct, but you don't need to use it that much. Especially the first stanza becomes rushed and panting because of the commas stuck everywhere. Also, with the right wording, you don't need to use the commas to point out pauses.
I like this. I think you should expand the whole poem with the help of this image.
This is a little confusing... I think you have a proper idea in there somewhere, but it just hasn't transferred to the paper/screen well enough.
Well, I hope I could help! Just PM me if you have any questions.
Demeter
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