Young Writers Society

Hey there

I thought that your poem was pretty good! It was original, which is a very good thing and you portrayed some very good emotion in your writing.

Although, I do agree with Jon with the fact that at times, your rhyming can seem forced. Remember, a poem doesn't have to rhyme for it to be good! If you can't think of a word to rhyme with, don't force one out.

Other reviewers have pointed out most of the nit-picks, so there's no need for me to repeat what they've already said now is there? Read what they've written and try using their advice to improve the poem.

The real unfinished symphony,
That hat has no start and has no end,

This was my favourite lines of the poem. I love your use of language and I love your originality in these two lines. Well done for that!

Overall, I really did like your poem. There are a few nit-picks and other reviewers have pointed them out. If you polish your poem up a bit, you will end up with a seriously good piece of work!

Keep writing,

xoxo Skins

I realy like this poem; it's very different. I liked the bit where you talked about a hat, most people would just use a ring.

But if you live eternally,Then by time, you’ve been conned.

I would change that bit so it's like this:
But if you live eternally, By time you have been conned.

Hello, I'm Jon!

Let me start by saying that when you rhyme, you have to be careful. In a lot of places you seem to force your words -- which sometimes leads to the poem not making sense (Or little pieces of it, anyway).

Here we go:

Eternal is a fearful word,

You have to watch your word choice. When you say 'fearful', it just doesn't make sense. Try a different form of the word. Etc: 'feared', 'wretchéd', and so on... The way you have it now makes no sense.

But I beg for my infinity,

Why would you beg for something you're afraid of? I get that an eternity would allow you to fix any mistakes...as you hint that in the rest of the poem, but, you also say that it won't matter because your problems can never be fixed once in eternity. So why, I ask, would you want eternity? Wouldn't you want more time being mortal to fix those problems before you get to eternity?

To reach it would just be absurd-

You have to watch your syllable usage when writing poetry. Now, some people can get away wih it by using it to their advantage -- but you don't. I suggest taking out the 'just'. It's an unneeded word and it disrupts the flow.

That hat has no start and has no end,

You're using 'symphony' as a symbol for our lives. Surely, we have a start (Being born) and an end (Death) to even reach eternity. So this makes no sense. Re-read over the things you write to make sure that it all connects somehow. Otherwise, you're just writing mindlessly through an idea...and that's no good. :/

But a broken note; you’ll never mend,
You can start again, You can try once more,
But you’ll live forever,In your flaw.

You say that you can't fix a problem once in eternity...but you can try again and start over? That makes no sense, especially because if you have a problem you know can never be fixed -- why try to fix it? Wouldn't you just move on and try to make the best of the situation? Also, you have some punctuation, word-choice, and flow mistakes. You start out with 'But'...which you seem to do a lot in this poem. Sometimes it's better to just say what you mean; 'cut to the chase' of things. The poem sounds like this (I like this, but if there is no chocolate I won't. But there is vanilla, so I guess I'll just have vanilla, but if there's...) Get what I mean? Try to morph your idea (Which is a nice one) into something good.

And there’ll be much more to find,

Another flow problem! Get rid of what I crossed out in the quote and replace it with, "there's". So, "And there's much more to find,". (See how it flows better?) Just a simple re-reading will let you know of your flow problems. Then, when you come across one, just think of ways to cut the sentence down without losing ideas.

But it isn’t all bad,
There’s good times to be had,
You can have another chance,

Infinite pain isn't all bad? I'd think so! Watch your ideas and how you connect them. In this poem you contradict yourself so many times -- and not in a good way. (Yes, you can contradict yourself in a poem and still make it sound nice...but you didn't pull it off this time.) You can have another chance? You say that the problems can't be fixed anyway...so why would you want to keep trying at something you know would never change once locked in eternity? This whole chunk makes little to no sense.

For forever, and beyond,
But iIf you live eternally,
Then by time, you’ve been conned.

Fix what I did in the quote. Also, your rhyming is very forced -- really, all throughout the poem it is.

.Watch your word choices.
.Learn how to use grammar effectively. (Which you will if you stick around YWS longer! )
.Watch your flow. (re-read and think of how to cut things down.)
.Watch to see if it makes sense. (Don't overlap contradicting ideas that don't make sense.)


Keep trying writing poetry!


-Jon

Hello,
Ok, first of all, I would like to say well done for writing this piece. I think it's great!
Now, in terms of poetic language, I like:

The real unfinished symphony,

That's the type of language that makes a poem,a poem. I like your use of language, and how you varied everything so that it wasn't too dull.
At first I thought the rhyming wouldn't work, but as I read on I think it was really good. I only say this because I coudn't feel a beat, although, as I said, after reading on I got it.
Nice idea, eternity, being honest I thouoght it was a bit common. But then when I came to think about it, I don't remeber reading anything like this.
Overall, this is fantastic, keep up you're poems, and have fun!!
~tam_ara