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140,247 Literary Works • 673,064 Reviews
Wow! Okay so I read your other poem and loved it, which of course meant epic-read-everything-this-author-wrote-so-far time!
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This one is good too. Honestly, I love all your rhyming! You do it so well, sometimes rhyming forces you to pick word choices that are less potent than what you could choose if you weren't following a strict rhyming scheme, but your words just work! so! well!
I mean, everyone's been second best before, so it is completely relate-able. You can try as hard as you want, but in the billions of people in this world, someone is always better than you at something.
Your line 'Working so hard, but there's standards I can't meet,' doesn't fit precisely the syllables in your rhyming (syllables, I mentioned in your other poem's review, I am very finicky about them
Other line: 'Break out of this rut, I'm locked in a cell,' - this is an interesting comparative for what it feels like to be second best. I wouldn't have picked it, still not convinced it's perfect, but I think I can see how it relates to the way you feel so unable to be the best you're trapped in second best. Or something. Correct me if I'm wrong.
Hmm okay the last line confused me a bit: 'I'm not the best, but I matter, somehow.' So, what are you trying to say here? You are describing second best, and now you are talking about how you matter. I mean, there is definitely a connection, but not really a strong enough correlation for a really powerful last line. A last line, I feel, needs something more graspable. This is a bit too vaguely related. maybe a different idea for that last line would be: 'I want to be best; someone tell me how."
Well, I enjoyed this poem like I enjoyed your other one! Keep writing, and I'll keep reading
~ Sarra ~
Morning dove!
Good job. I think that you were able to get across the message very well, the extreme competition of being a dancer. However, I think that the peom could use some more imagery, and creative words. It would be like putting the icing on the cake. You're pretty well off as far as editing goes. It's a great poem! Keep it up!
Rarity♦
P.S. Welcome to YWS!
Being an ex-gymnast, I can definitely relate to the intensity of competing against yourself, your rivals, and your teammates simultaneously (I'd like to think that that's something we have in common with dancers). I would've liked to see more of a creative breakthrough happen, because there was no "wow" moment for me, but it was still well-written. There were places where the rhythm was a little off, but the was the most noticeable fault, and all-in-all, this is a nice poem.
Keep writing!