Published April 29, 2008
Why? Why must everyone hate me because i'm free?
Or is it they hate me because i'm me?
Whatever the reason I want you to know that deep down inside you see, i'm just like you.
Nobody likes me, everybody hates me but i'm okay!
Because today you see I shall live free away from the shadow of doubt.
This is because someone I love dearly has given me the hope for another day!
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141,379 Literary Works • 674,383 Reviews
E-M-O.
It's sad. But true. I suggest you rewrite the whole thing.
Emo.
blahhhhhh
I didn't like this. Because I just wrote a critique. That was just like the one I'm about to write. And I'm going to tell you. You're not the only user who just came on YWS and decided to smack one of these poems on the board only to be scrutinized by the older members of YWS. And then two months later they're poetic geniuses. So don't worry.
First off. And Lastly.
CLICHE.
CLICHE.
CLICHE.
PASSE.
This was a cliche poem.
Let me rewrite my version, substituting all your cliches with my original stuff.
Gack. This is terribly cliche too.
So I got a good idea for a rewrite. Scrap this entire poem. And come up with one anecdote. Just one. About you being free. About you being sad. About everyone hating you. And make it short. And interesting. Not about school, about you don't have any friends. Make it about something small. Like the one I'm going to write on the spot right now:
She saw me.
That blond mother with a little girl tugging on her shirt.
She saw me.
Me, pulling a shopping cart down aisle seven with a red mohawk slitting across my scalp.
She saw I.
I is standing in front of her, and little girl there begging for some candy.
She has a smug look on her face. A scared one. A noble one. Her lower lip is biting
into her upper one.
I can see the terror. She hates me. She hates anyone like me.
They all hate me.
I crack out a frozen pizza and turn around. I disappear into aisle number eight; she goes
the other direction, murmuring to her little daughter, throwing side glares at my hair.
I look down at my palms and they sweat. I want to kill her.
But I think of that frozen pizza.
I look at the cashier touch my hair eat my pizza look at her she looks at me.
When I come home, you watch.
I'm going to buzz that hair. I'm just going to buzz it till it bleed.
Did you like it? Did you like it?
Thats awsome
Swearing and excessive smileys and caps lock are big no-no's. Love, Poetry Crew.
Well the first thing I've noticed is that you haven't capitalized your "I's" ee cummings could get away with it because he didn't capitlize anything, nor did he punctuate or use proper grammar (he is one of my favorite poets) but either way you need to stay consistant. Other wise it looks tacky and the incorrect grammar jumps out at the reader.
The second thing I noticed is that this is very cliche, the rhyming, the bland use of words, the poem over all is very bland and overdone. Navel gazing is something new poets often do (I know because I used to be one). Navel gazing is an interesting thing, because it can work if done right. However in this poem it is not done right.
I'm sorry to say this poem bored me, and by the end I was just like... ok. You're free, you're proud of who you are, why am I supposed to care?
Try using some interesting words, the thesaurus is a great tool for this. It gives new imaginary for an old topic. The second tip I have is to read a lot of poetry, as much as you can to get an idea of what people want to read. It is amazing how much reading a few poems can help your own.
Good Luck
OverEasy
Yes I agree^
-ms
I think you should've broken down some of the lines; they didn't sound like they were clicking when read aloud. Besides that it was fine.
Talk about the drama! nice job. I liked the flow and it was really unique.
Hey
Welcome to YWS.
Ok, now for a crit.
This is quite unique.
I've just punctuated it and corrected some capitalization.
I think in the first line it would be more forceful saying 'I am'...
The second stanza pretty much repeats the first. You say everyone hates you (referring to MC[main character] as 'you')...but you don't tell the reader why. Or how. Or how you feel. Or any reason... It is empty. Sure, there is feeling and a potential but it's like you have drawn an outline for a painting and left it at that. Description. Describe why. You need to draw the reader in. And so far you have just asked why and told them you love someone and you are as good as them.
Use you descriptive and creative writing.
I like the length and think if there was more substance to this poem, it would be a very nice read.
Work on it a bit.
All the best,
Peace
Inky