Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Poetry » Narrative

18+ Language

destination f*cked

by passenger


Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language.


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
841 Reviews


Points: 664
Reviews: 841

Donate
Sun Jul 15, 2018 10:57 pm
Radrook wrote a review...



Radrook here a once again to offer some suggestions.
Apologies if i offend. It isn’t my intention.
Please feel full free to cast aside all things you deem not helpful.
But if you do be sure its true by being extra careful.

That having been said:

First, please note that I like your poem and consider it very-well written. You are definitely a very skilled poet and I consider you a far better poet than I might ever chance to be despite my fervent efforts. I do like the concept of humans being like maps that are folded in secrecy.

Indeed the seemingly simple person whom we might encounter briefly and who seems uninteresting and having little to offer would prove a fascinating study on closer inspection. We do all have so much to tell and it would certainly be wonderfully if we could objectively share many of our private experiences with others.

However, there is the conundrum. Privacy! Even when humans deign to share things with others they still feel the urgent need to keep vast areas reserved for only their own eyes to see.

As you say, we are all like maps that have as yet been unexplored wit vast as yet unexplored regions, continents seas, islands valleys and mountain ranges. We are all Atlantises of sorts, ever beyond the reach of discovery but the difference is that Atlantis was described while our details remain a mystery and very often no one even notices that we exist or takes very little note that we existed at all. Atlantis has a reputation which engenders interest while we might engender evasion.

Also, not all of us share the desire to have others probe into the recesses of our deepest thoughts. Most of us cherish our privacy and would fight fiercely to protect it. In fact, anyone striving to probe too deeply into our affairs is usually viewed as an intruder and treated accordingly. Those who insist are tagged as nosey or having malicious ulterior motives.

If indeed someone is to derive comfort then humans prefer to choose which areas of their inner landscapes will be used to provide that comfort. In short, a map is indeed design to provide guidance for those on a journey. In fact, its sole purpose is to provide such guidance and there is nothing wrong with using it as such. But can we really compare ourselves to such a map? Would not that be a false analogy because of the discrepancies that arise? That is the issue that came to my mind as I read the poem.

The cities with unpronounceable names are kept that way on purpose. Unexplored realms are purposefully deemed best unexplored by prying eyes for a reason. That is what I am saying.




User avatar
271 Reviews


Points: 408
Reviews: 271

Donate
Thu Jun 15, 2017 3:50 pm
View Likes
Charm says...



OMG I LOVE ALL OF YOUR POETRY YOU ARE TALENTED IN EVERYTHING YOU DO WHETHER IT'S WRITING POETRY OR PROSE. I LOVE YOU SO MUCH SAV <333333 *claps*




User avatar
129 Reviews


Points: 2087
Reviews: 129

Donate
Wed May 24, 2017 7:49 pm
beccalicious94 wrote a review...



Hi passenger, Becca here for a quick review. You should know, that this is the best thing I've read all week. I think you execute the extended metaphor perfectly.

I'm not sure the first stanza needed to be three lines, I think one line would have been just fine (or even just make "we are like maps" as the title, and if you still want destination f*cked (which I liked) you could make it "we are like maps or destination f*cked" or "we are like maps/destination f*cked."

I love the second stanza. No changes. The extended metaphor works perfectly here.

I love the word "creases" in the third stanza. The grammar is perfect, albeit awkward/overly formal sounding "from which our friends derive comfort upon visitation." Is there a way to say that more directly?

Fourth stanza also perfect and has so much beautiful imagery.

Fifth stanza I would just add a period at the end for consistency with punctuation. Same with the second line of the last stanza.

Keep writing!




User avatar
305 Reviews


Points: 831
Reviews: 305

Donate
Tue May 23, 2017 12:41 pm
speakerskat wrote a review...



Let's be honest, I'm here because of the title. However, I don't feel like the title was suiting of this piece. I found your poem to be moving, vivid, and moderately insightful. I was expecting something humorous and artsy, though ?I am much happier with this. So what was the reason behind the title? I think the best part of your work is the fact that you have mastered the art of showing and not telling. Typically writers struggle with this aspect but I think you have a nice poetic voice here that makes the reader want to stop and think about the effect of every word. I am also a bit lost on the last stanza but overall it's a solid idea.




User avatar
135 Reviews


Points: 615
Reviews: 135

Donate
Tue May 23, 2017 2:16 am
View Likes
Thisislegacy wrote a review...



Legacy here for a review.

Your title is what attracted me; quite a humorous title. I loved it. I also love the content, it's a comparison that I haven't ever made or read about before.

You really hit the imagery on the head, good job. It really helped the poem. I would love to hear this spoken to be honest. I think it would sound great spoken.

The only thing I would personally say is that the lack of capitalization is slightly irritating (but that's based on my bias for capitalization especially since you have punctuation.) You don't have to add that, but I think it would help for visual aesthetics.

Great poem, if you ever record yourself speaking it, I would love to hear it. Legacy.




passenger says...


thanks for the review! if I ever do a spoken version, I'll be sure to let you know.



Thisislegacy says...


Okay.




Journeys end in lovers' meeting.
— William Shakespeare