Young Writers Society

Hi hi! Finally here as requested, so let's get started!

My first thought is: iiiiinteresting...

Second person really works for me. I love the mystery of who "you" is and what "you" did. Read Stolen by Lucy Christopher. It's my favorite second person book I've read. It's about a girl that was kidnapped and it's written as a letter to her captor. (But it's not scary, I promise).

Technically this is a prologue, yes? Prologues, as I'm sure you know, are really hit or miss and are often not necessary. It's too soon for me to tell whether or not I'll think this prologue is necessary or not, but right now I'm leaning towards it is. The event itself isn't all that out there or different from other YA stories - a party, someone is drunk. But, you've put a little twist on it and made it a lot more interesting because it's a moment she wants to forget and take back and I want to know why. In my eyes, nothing particularly horrible happens in this moment, so now I want to read on and find out what happened.

I'm digging the voice already too. Voice is such a hard thing to get right and it can be a really hard thing to teach because it's not really a mechanical thing you either do right or wrong. I think you're capturing this MC really well so far and I already feel intrigued and pulled into the story which is exactly what I want in an opening.

I can't quite answer any of your questions yet, but I'll get there If I were to guess right now where the plot is headed, I'm guessing "you" is a boy and this boy is going to wrong her in some way. I'm guessing he's going to break her heart in some fashion and it may or may not be related to his alcohol use (or is it abuse ???). OR it's going to be a cute love story about how she fell in love with him and she doesn't want to remember him in this light because it's not how he really is. Am I close? (you don't actually have to tell me, I'll find out soon enough anyway).

A few small things:

This is like my deleted scene, because although nothing outrageous happened, I like to forget about it. To leave it out. There are times when it’s relieving to forget about things that make you question your perceptions. I’m told I shouldn’t make a habit out of things like this, but it certainly makes decisions less difficult. You probably don’t remember it in the first place, for reasons that are obvious. So I guess I’ll refresh both of our memories.

Since you’re obsessed with playbooks, I’ll try to tell it to you like you would see it. I’ve drawn it in my Physics notebook. There’s an arrow pointing to the word “gray”, because you speak in colors when you’re drunk. Everything is gray, or purple, or orange, or even chartreuse. Your whole spiel is circled in bright red and labeled with an ‘O’, for Open Access, since that’s how you’re going to get out of David’s interrogation. Even when you’re drunk, you are notorious for your excuses.

You can’t stop running your hand through your hair. Dark crew cut, fingers a little crooked from getting jammed in baseball.

It’s what you do when you lie.

Hey passenger,

First Impressions:Well written! So refreshing.

Positives:

“Gray,” you’re saying in a low monotone. “The color gray. Wine is just gray. I’m not saying it ain’t alright, I mean, it is, but it might as well be grape juice. It doesn’t give you any kick.”

and your eyes half closed, like your liver couldn’t decide whether or not to fail from the booze.

Since you’re obsessed with playbooks, I’ll try to tell it to you like you would see it. I’ve drawn it in my Physics notebook. There’s an arrow pointing to the word “gray”, because you speak in colors when you’re drunk. Everything is gray, or purple, or orange, or even chartreuse. Your whole spiel is circled in bright red and labeled with an ‘O’, for Open Access, since that’s how you’re going to get out of David’s interrogation. Even when you’re drunk, you are notorious for your excuses.

Wow. This is really good, although I feel like I don't know any of the characters. This is the first thing I've read by you, and you did write "prologue" in the title, so maybe I'm just missing more. I feel like there should be more about the characters. What is the relationship between them?

I like the use of first and last names, it makes it seem like the character knows of them but doesn't really KNOW them, if you can understand my meaning.

"Your cronies are her best friends" so... the person you're using as "you" is a football player and is she known for sleeping around? That's the vibe I'm getting from this. I don't know.

Your voice in this is so evident, and I think that's why I like this, but I feel like it should be in the middle of a book. I like the words but I don't follow them, if that makes sense? If you've ever read "It's Kind of a Funny Story" this is where it sounds like this scene should come from.

I liked the playbook metaphor. I thought it did a good job of highlighting how jockish the person your character is taking to.
Also, jumping back to my original point, I'd like to know more about the main character. This doesn't seem like her scene, but is it? I can't tell if she's an outsider on her way in, or an inside who's on her way out.

Also the ending, "I don't think it should count." Are you referring to the fact it shouldn't count as a deleted scene? I was a little lost through that, to be honest.
Overall very good, I liked the style, but just some little stuff I didn't quite understand