Published February 19, 2007
I spent a month working with the poor of India in November last year.
O,
Kaleidescope of Colour,
Cacophony of sound,
Will I ever forget
That eastern sun
Pounding the baked
Ground.
O,
Sea of many faces,
Home of many folk,
I hear you all the time
In dreams and
In those dreams there's
Hope.
O,
Hungry of Kolkata,
Suffering of the streets,
For your hunger pains
I sigh and
Often times I
Weep.
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I disagree. The presentation wasn't bad. The rhyme was fine. It was subtle. It doesn't have to be "mindblowing." The "O" at the beginning of each stanza was also fine and added to the effect.
The language, though, was not the best. I'm not really sure of how to express this, but...I dunno, it wasn't unique, it didn't really impact me. The language was really conventional and included some really overused phrases (i.e. kaleidescope of color) that really cut a potentially good poem down to something annoyingly ordinary.
It was also kind of trite. "Wow, Kolkata's amazing. I'll never forget it. I feel bad for poor people. I have hopeful dreams and I cry about them." Hmm.
I liked the rhythm in the second and third stanzas but the first one was really off.
In the first stanza, why is "Colour" capitalized?
Colleen
Okay, first off the rhyming - a very tacky rhyming scene - I liked the way you started off making the sound and ground rhyme. Different we don't see it that much -referring to the placement of the rhyme- and I was expecting some more further in the poem but you've let me down, sadly. In the second stanza your rhyme is very weak folk and hope ? Awkward if you ask me. Third stanza well not so "mindblowing" either.
Next, the sentence construction could be better, as I'm not sure what you're trying to bring forward in some parts.
Okay so I changed it all a bit, and also added some capitalization so you'd get the idea of how to use capital letters
Last thing, don't repeat the "O" at the beginning of each stanza, leave it at the first, forget the rest
Well you've got something here, but the presentation could be way better
Cheerios, Chandni
*moved*
Sorry folks, I've put my work in the wrong catagory again! Typical! Is it possible to move it without having to post it twice?