Part I- Jerry Dolly
"I believe your a reporter Mr. Dolly", his voice was crisp, and his words deliberate. He had planned this moment for so long- every minute was scripted.
"Well, answer me when I'm speaking to you!", his cool was beginning to thaw.
"Yes", Jerry yelped.
"Yes what?"
"Yes, I'm a reporter!"
A snigger. The cue for his croonies to laugh.
"Do you here that lads, Mr. Dolly here says he's a reporter! Because we had no idea!", a wink, and once again the motley crew erupted into violent laughter.
"Now I hear you've been spreading some pretty nasty rumours about me and my gang!", he leaned in close, close enough for their breaths to marry.
"Not wise, not wise at all! In fact, the last hot-shot to do that ended up six feet under!"
Jerry began to sob. He'd never been afraid in his entire life. In recent year's he'd established himself as one one of the worlds finest investigative journalists, specialising mainly in gangland. Fearless in nature, he had a means of endearing himself to even his most sinister enemies. But the horrific murder of a life-long colleague and friend had caused the once ruthless journalist to become more cautious in his writing. As he sat there tied to the chair, blindfolded and relatively unaware of his surroundings he wondered would he meet a similar end.
"Please don't kill me!" he whined.
"Oh I won't kill you Jerry. But I wouldn't like you to go writing anymore stories about me. So I think I'll just snap off your fingers one by one, so that you can't go writing anymore crap!"
Gar took the saw in his hands, and felt the jagged edge of the rusty blade, salivating sadistically. Labelled "Notorious" at twenty-two, "The Butcher" had spent the best part of his adult life building up an evil-empire. Drug trafficing was his main source of income, but on occasion he liked to dabble in a bit of bank robbery being a traditionalist at heart. No-one got in his way, and anyone that did paid the price.
"Please Gar, I swear I-"
"Won't write anymore stories? I've heard them all before."
"Please, I beg you!"
Gar ignored his desperate pleads and put on a pair of gloves.
"You know, a lot of people seem to think that I don't do my own dirty work anymore just because I got my name in the paper! And truth be told, I haven't. But I'm just after realising how much I actually love this aspect of the work!" The henchmen laughed in unison.
Was this the end? Surely they wouldn't let him go. Jerry could see the headlines already. He thought of his wife and his children, who were more than likely oblivious to the fact that he was currently being held hostage.
Gar sqwatted down beside Jerry and took his hand and ran the blade across his fingers. Jerry squirmed, but didn't pull away from his captor.
"This little piggy went to the market, this little piggy.... I think now you'll finally be able to appreciate that rumours hurt!"
Jerry braced himself, biting his lower lip, his teeth clicking like a childs bag of marbles. Then as if by divine intervention, the door opened. Was it the police?
"Gar, Gar!", the voice was urgent.
Gar looked up, obviously annoyed by the interruption.
"Gar, that's not Jerry Dolly!"
Look out for Part II
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Chance the punctuation so it looks like this: ....no idea!" A wink, and once.... You see, the action is in no away attached to the dialog. If it was a "he said" kind of sentence, then it would be, but its not. I saw it again, so go through your whole story looking for that.
These two sentences are telling. Show us the story.
So, we don't know he is blindfolded until now? That makes bad for a reader, we like to develop our pictures of the scenes fast, then a blindfold jumps in? That changes the scene completely. It is a big difference whether you can, or can't see the guys harassing you. It would change the characters actions/emotions.
pleas
I have to be rude. My only thought to this is, "well, duh?" Its kind of saying something that doesn't really need to be said. You can talk about his wife and kids, it doesn't matter if they know he is there or not. We'll find out later.
Well, I'll give you points for the ending being nice and surprising. But this is, as you said, no prologue. This is a chapter one, really, depending on how the rest of the story goes.
And even if it IS a prologue, don't just toss off character development. That's silly. Think of it like this: even if it IS the prologue, this will be the first thing your reader will ever see of this story. Let us get to know the characters better. Give us more subtly body movements, actions, show us the setting in detail, I have no clue what the setting is right now. Make us feel the same fear that is felt by "Dolly". Go look at the user group 'character development' if you want some help. Seriously, don't shove it aside. You have to have good characters from word one, to "the end".
It was rather flat throughout the story, where I should be panicking for the main guy, I really didn't care. I was interested at the end, but of course I was? That was put there to make me interested. I kept thinking of a type of Sam Spade novel, but I don't think this is... Anyway, a way to fix this 'boring' problem, is to help us relate with your guy in the chair, which also connects to character development. If we can't relate to him, we don't care what happens to him (or anyone else, for that matter). Bring us in, make us a part of the story, make us the always-present audience that you should always be thinking of when each word comes out of your fingers and onto the screen. Make us care. Otherwise, no one will care to read anymore.
If the story continues from this exact 'spot' so to speak, it isn't a prologue. Maybe if it ventures off into some other time/place, then it is. But even then... Here, I'll give out some links. Prologues and More on Prologues. Follow the things said in those two articles, it'll help you figure out whether this is chapter one, or a prologue, for yourself.
Hope I helped.
Story is not yet completed. this is merely a prologue so please don't criticise character developement.
Hmmmph...sounds a bit like Man on Fire, a bit like The Godfather, but with a LOT of dialogue and not much character development to show for it.