Published March 15, 2007
Courtly to dishonour,
A fief of fond earned rye.
Hindrance to the crying fields
Where doth I heard him die.
I've seen the wildness of the Hun.
The hypocricy of his lie.
Dig deep into the dying shame.
The coroner will pry.
The green candle still burns.
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This... makes no sense. None at all, actually, unless you've really f*cked up your punctuation. "Courtly to dishonor?" What? Unless you're saying that it's "courtly to dishonor/A fief of fond earned rye" (in which case, no comma after dishonor... I really need to teach you how to use punctuation, parker), then it's completely incomprehensible to anyone who's not squarely situated in your skull. Besides, there's something wonky with the phrase "fond earned rye." Maybe if "fond earned" was hyphenated... but even then, it's very obtuse.
I'm not even going to touch on "Hindrance to the crying fields," mostly because that last image is one that has at least a glimmer of potential.
"Where doth I heard him die," however, makes absolutely NO sense whatsoever. "Doth" is an archaic conjugation of "to do." It should properly be used in the present tense for the third person singular. E.g., "My lady doth jest." So unless there's a secondary meaning to "doth" which I've never heard of, this line is completely senseless.
"Hypocricy" = "hypocrisy"
The fact that the last three stanzas consist entirely of one-line sentences makes your rhythm and flow very... unflowing. Choppy-like. Not very pleasing to the inner ear at all, really, and not much better when read aloud.
The last image is a fascinating one... but again, I wouldn't say this is quite up to par, on the whole.
And one side note--NEVER, EVER CAPITALIZE THE ENTIRE TITLE OF YOUR POEM. IT'S ANNOYING. IF IT HAS A GOOD TITLE, IT'LL CATCH THE CRITIQUER'S EYE WITHOUT YOU HAVING TO SHOUT IT.
Capisce?
Hmm. I guess this could stem from lack of knowledge surrounding the Hun, but--as short as this is--I had a hard time following it. It seems to kind of jump around without connecting? I liked your word choice for the most part, but it's just not connected enough to be appreciated.
Happy Editing!
WM