Yesterday, I walked out of the door;
The weather was scorching; I can feel the foot sores,
But still I carried an umbrella in my bag,
Because, there is always a ray of hope.
Walking in a desert with satchel in my hand,
I knew there is no oasis so far on this land.
But still I walked & walked to probe,
Because, there is always a ray of hope.
I know there is only one person who knows me best;
She lives in the mirror and talks the sweetest;
She tells me whatever I want to listen,
She laughs when I laugh and cries when I’m sad.
But still I look for someone who knows my dope;
Because there is always a ray of hope.
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hey, Dogs here for a review!
I really like this poem. It's very well-written and simple. I like how you repeat "A ray of hope" which brings lines in the poem back around to the title. It also helps the poem not lose focus.
Rhyme: I like how you use some rhyme, but then, after a while you don't rhyme. I've never been good at making poems rhyme, but I think you should work on your rhyming scheme a little bit, because is really seems like in places it rhymes, and others... It doesn't.
*Please don't take any of these comments/suggestions personally. I'm only trying to help you, so please don't think I'm being mean or rude, or even harsh. Thanks.*
Stanzas: Here's a suggestion, but you don't have to do this if you don't want to.
You should break up your poem into stanzas. I will show an example below. You can do this (breaking this poem into stanzas) anyway you like. You can make them even (same number of lines in each stanza). Or you can just not have even stanzas.
Example:
That's how you divide stanzas evenly, which is what I recommend if you do this. You don't have to do this, just so you know.
Now a few nitpicks
1:
Shouldn't this be "my foot sores?"
2:
You should probably use the word "and" instead of the and symbol.
That's about it for my review...
Keep up the fantastic writing,
Love,
Dogs <3
Hello pari, steampowered here with a review and to welcome you to YWS!
I really like this poem. It’s simple and well-written, and I really like the repetition of “a ray of hope” which obviously brings the lines of the poem back to the title, and avoids the poem losing focus. It also rhymes, which I love to see in poetry!
However, I feel like the rhyming pattern flags towards the end. You seem to start off with an AABC rhyming pattern, meaning the first two lines rhyme and the third and fourth lines don’t (the fourth line being “because there is always a ray of hope”) but you seem to abandon this towards the end with the insertion of extra lines.
Personally, I find one really good way to stay focused on the rhyming pattern when writing poetry is to split the stanzas up more. I’m aware that YWS can be a bit annoying when it comes to formatting poetry, because sometimes the lines between the stanzas disappear when the work is published, but if you insert a symbol as a placeholder you can make sure the lines are split up. For example:
If you do this, I feel like you’ll be able to see much more easily that the last stanza doesn’t quite work; it’s six lines not four, and the rhyming doesn’t fit in with the same pattern as the original. Personally, I feel like that jars a bit – maybe you could sacrifice those two lines, or add an extra couple of lines to make the six-line stanza into two four-line stanzas?
Two little nitpicks:
Should that be “my foot sores”?
I wouldn’t use the ampersand symbol; it’s generally more literary to write the word “and” out in full.
Keep writing! I look forward to seeing more of your work.
-steampowered-
Thank you. I'll keep in mind all the pointers that you have described.
Hi Harry hear for a review:
This is a beautiful poem and if I where you i would add more to it. You show your expression and you love to write, don't be afraid to show that. This is one poem that shows a mix of different emotions and feelings. It makes you feel the pain from the hot weather, and you can hear the rain. This is one of the best poems because when you can feel the events taking place you will understand how the character feels. I liked this part because it made me laugh. But still I look for someone who knows my dope;
Because there is always a ray of hope.
it was great word rhyming and made you go from crying to laughing about the events that happened. It also shows the faith that the character is still holding on to even after what happened and that deep down inside they know that hope will come back even after what happened and you will always understand the pain.
this is a great description of a person anyone will fall in love with: I know there is only one person who knows me best;
She lives in the mirror and talks the sweetest;
She tells me whatever I want to listen,
She laughs when I laugh and cries when I’m sad. Great job describing your feelings and the person you have missed. Made me relies how lucky I am to have the love that i have and to never give up hope. Happy writing:)
Thank you so much. Your feedback is much more valuable and motivating for me.