Young Writers Society

Although the idea is interesting, I find this a little confusing ^^'' What exactly happened? ^^ The best thing to do would be to slow down, and write it out ^^''

I noticed a lack of sorrounding; Perhaps you could write out a little of what the classroom looks like and the kids inside ^^

Also, if you were trying to make an impact on the reader with the diffrent looks of the parallel version of Heiko, then you may want to describe what Heiko looks like first ^^

It also doesn't make sense that Heiko's like 'It's another boring day' When only a little later it's described as terrinle cause it's the last day of school ^^

Anything else is probably covered bellow ^^

Seriously, I love the concept but this could use a little touch up ^^
Please don't let review get you down ^^ it's only one idiot's opinion after all ^u^
I can't wait to read more, so please keep writing! ^u^

Okay... I'm not quite sure what just happened. A girl goes to school and she feels sick so she ends up in a parallel world?

I agree with TickSeed about her reaction toward the other girls. If I was in such a situation I would be shocked and scared. Since Heiko responded so calmly, does she think that she's dreaming?

You should describe about her surrondings to clarify what the parallel world looks like. I'm imagining a black place with battling girls. Is that what you want me to imagine?

Hello, first off, the story has a intresting concept (I've always been very intrested in the multi-verse theory.) But you could have definately excuted this better. Now, obviously your writing takes influences from anime and manga. That would be perfectly fine if you had listed this as a screen play for an anime. However, since your goal (I'm presuming) is to have this come off as a novel. Unfortunately, what would be good for an anime is not good for a novel.

Okay. Again, you are clearly drawing from anime influences. But WHY does it have to be set in Japan? Julie Kagawa, author of the Iron fey series also draws from manga/anime influences in her writing but does so in a way that doesn't alienate readers. What happens when you have a reader who is intrested in the story, but isn't familiar with japanese things? You've just turned away a huge amount of your possible audience. This isn't the last time I'll bring this up, but let's move on to the actual writing.


Let's take a look at your first paragraph- " 'Just another boring school day in Tokyo..." Heiko sighed."

Because you've made a paragraph break here, this sentance counts as a paragraph. Now, you were probably thinking about the rule of breaking to a new paragraph when someone talks. This rule is ONLY APPLICABLE when there is a NEW person talking, so the break shouldn't be there (actually, I'm not entirely clear as to why she'd be saying this out loud in the first place.) One more thing, don't tell she's in Tokyo, SHOW me she's in tokyo. Writing is about showing, not telling.

"Heiko in fact was a Class A student. So that means she was a straight A student. She was just like another ordinary girl, didn't get in trouble much, her life was pretty boring. But today... just felt different to her, she felt weak and dizzy. Was this the flu? Nah, it's Summer! So how could it be? At last, Heiko made it to school, late of course."

Once more, you're telling me she's smart by saying she's an "a class A student", if you want me to think she's smart than tell me how the teacher caught her not paying attention, but her still be able to answer the problem on the board (that's an anime cliche to, right?) Why do you have to include that she's a class A student in the first place? Couldn't you have just said she was a straight A student in the first place?
Actually, that sentance wasn't serving an actual purpose, nor did it further the story, it shouldn't even be there.

Same thing with her being "ordinary" there isn't a point in mentioning that. Of course she's ordinary the reader will always cosider a character "ordinary" until they do soemthing worth noting, and she hasn't.

(Also you can get the flu in summer, tempurature has nothing to do with getting sick. And there also alot of possible reasons to feel sick) In fact, I'd either remove, or completely rewrite that pharagraph.

"HEIKO, YOU WERE SLEEPING IN MY CLASS! I WON'T ALLOW THAT!!!" Ms. Airashi screamed.

"Since, you were sleeping in my class, and not paying attention... You should have DETENTION!!!" Ms. Airashi smirked.

You don't have to bold the text, and one exclamation point is enough. If you want to put emphasis on how mad or outraged the teacher is, describe her expression and tone of voice. Humans communicate though mostly body language, and writing should show that.

Also, unless the teacher has some osrt of vendetta aganist the MC then 'smirk' isn't really the best word choice. There actually seems to be alot of not quite right word choice, but I won't list them all.

"Heiko opened her eyes, and found herself in a unusual place. She has never been here before. She was just looking around the place, and just then she saw two other hers? Heiko was confused, she didn't know why, but she thought in a way it was cool. Other than that, why were they battling each other? One of the hers had Purple Hair, golden eyes, wearing pigtails, had a black leather cape (similar to Black Rock Shooters), dark purple skirt, black zipped up boots, and a scythe. As for the other one, she had black hair, bloody red eyes, wearing pigtails, had a dark blue leather coat (similar to Amulet Diaya's), a bloody red skirt, dark blue zipped up boots, and scythe as well. They were both very high skilled, and both were good in combat. At last, one of them won, the dark purple haired one, of course."

She should probably be alot more shocked and scared than thrilled and thinking things are cool. Don't tell me they're fighting, describe the scene to me. Because I used to be very into anime, I understood the references you made in the paranthesises, but not everyone will. Don't be lazy and describe something by referencing something else, do the work. Don't add "of course" it's akward and makes the girl sound haughty and conceited.

Heiko gasped in excitement and asked "U-Um... Excuse me, but where am I?"

"Parallel World..." Parallel Heiko replied (That's right, I'm calling her Parallel Heiko, she has no specific name since she is the Parallel Version of Heiko.)

She really shouldn't be excited to be face to face with a stranger in an unknown world that has large weapons. Why would it be called parallel world? (Just because it is, doesn't mean it should be called that. The world Heiko came from is also a parallel world but it isn't called that.) Please come up with a proper name or give a plausible reason for why it would be called that.

The other girl never gave her name or adressed herself so it should be "the girl replied" until she introduces herself. Also, her name would also be Heiko, either give her a proper name or make it similar to "Heiko" but different.

Also, this is not FanFiction.net, do not put author notes in the actual prose. Paranthesises are not a pass to do so.

You have a good idea, but you need to plan, brain storm, edit, and polish it before you can write it down.

Keep writing

-Tick