z

Young Writers Society


16+

Servant of the White Sun - Chapter 5 - The Whitestar Household

by papillote


Warning: This work has been rated 16+.

C'hnyel "Ciel" Sarven, attacked by a vampire (a sayrim), was saved by another, Lady Jaan Whitestar. Grateful for the Lady's help and temporary homeless, she has agreed to become a free servant of Lady Jaan's, although she is terrified that the vampire might be planning to make her a blood slave.

To know more, read Chapter 4.

Over the next couple of days, as Ciel settled in the Whitestar house, she couldn’t help noticing how odd it was. The lady had few servants, most of them graenten.

Oddest of all was Timo, a fourteen-years-old boy who, she learned, had been with the lady’s household four years and derived a fierce sort of pride from the silver bracelet at his wrist. Born in servitude, he only spoke the low language, the servants’ tongue, used in saÿrimen households. He often disappeared for hours – days even once – only to reappear on the terrace, sitting cross-legged with his mistress, playing a game Ciel didn't know.

Dilim,” Trish called it when asked.

She offered to teach Ciel, but the girl politely declined. It was more of a spectator game for her – Timo, apparently unaware of her gaze on him, moving the tiles with a sleepwalker’s grace, silent except for the occasional click of ivory against ivory. The pieces were beautiful, smooth with age, symbols hand-painted on them. Pretty and fluid, the characters reminded Ciel of these syllables, flowing right through her without her consent. But the signs were fixed, and she could soon distinguish them from each other.

Trish was odd too, barely ever venturing outside, and then, only dressed head to toes in stern, unrelenting black, from her thick veil to the long, wide sleeves of her robes, to her sturdy boots. The lady didn’t comment on it that Ciel heard, but she delighted in finding reasons to send her favorite graent out on stupid errands that either of her free servants - Mr. Jacob Salomon and Mrs. Penny Dokker - could have taken care of.

They were the household’s main tie to the outside world. Salomon delivered the lady’s Vitalia products to high-hand boutiques. Dokker, the cook, took care of supplies. They were both in their forties and lived outside the premises, leading personal lives they were careful to keep to themselves.

Ciel didn’t blame them. She often wished she could leave her new employ behind when she left the Whitestar household: her black robes drew angry stares everywhere. About a fortnight into her service, she found out dead-bodies were still being fished out of the river. She wasn’t surprised – nor would she have expected for the newspapers to mention them: most medias belonged to the Nexus Group, one of the Retzar’s companies.

***

One night, Ciel, who shared a bedroom with Trish, was startled awake in the dead of the night when her roommate brushed by her bed on her way out. Hoping it was something as harmless as a stroll across the lady’s herb garden, Ciel, who still didn’t fully trust anyone, slipped out into the front yard after Trish. The other girl had come to a stop at the rear gate, hesitating for a second before she pushed it open, giving Ciel just a glimpse of a man outside.

A gentleman caller? Ciel almost went back inside, but her curiosity burnt almost as bright as her paranoia.

She chose a sturdy tree right by the garden wall, grabbed a low-hanging branch and hoisted herself up into the foliage. Street kids ran, jumped and climbed like no other. Trish had disabled the Wards – Ciel couldn’t sense the faint buzzing that always betrayed their presence. Cautiously, she made the leap from the tree to the wall and didn’t die a horrible death.

She crawled close as she dared to the whispering couple, close enough to snatch a few words here and there, close enough to recognize Trish’s Runner brother. “…careful, Patricia,” he was saying.

“That bad, hm? How many?”

“I can’t tell you. There is talk of opening an investigation now, which makes it confidential.”

Grady’s tone held a hint of hesitancy, sincere regrets that he couldn’t give in to his sister’s every demand, answer her every question.

“I understand. Don’t worry, I’ll be careful.” Trish raised her arm and her bracelet glittered in the dark. “I’m safe.”

“Don't,” her brother hissed. “This is serious. Graenten were killed during the Three Bloody Winters!”

She gasped. “You think there will be riots?!”

Ciel gaped at the night-shrouded runner too. There hadn’t been riots since the 42 Bread Riots when a couple of desperate souls demonstrated before Parliament Hall. Even then, it had lasted all of twelve hours before the nearest Ash Dogs were sent in and wiped the crowd in under three minutes.

“I’m surprised there hasn’t been any yet,” was Grady's dark reply.

“I can’t believe it.”

“Trust me.” There was a short, painful silence, followed by a bark of bitter laugh. “Or don’t. But convince your…mistress to get out of the city. It’s not safe here. Take her somewhere the…I don’t know, the tao is thicker, or something.”

Sao,” Trish corrected distractedly. “You mean that, Faran, don’t you? Oh, my God…”

“Every runner I know is sending his or her family out of town. I don’t care if it means protecting this…that creature, I needed to warn you!”

Ciel wished there was such care between her brother and her but couldn’t make herself worry for Franz.

Trish was quiet for a while. “My mistress needs to know, Faran. She won’t leave town unless our lives are in jeopardy.”

“You can’t tell her! I spoke to you in confidence!”

“You are right,” she said, sounding especially smug, “She won’t listen to me. You should tell her.”

“Me? Why?!”

If she hadn’t been hiding, Ciel would have laughed at Grady’s tone of pure horror. Trish did chuckle. “Because she admires you, Faran.”

“What?! No, she doesn’t. Impertinence amuses her – and she likes you, which are the only two reasons why she hasn’t made me pay for my rudeness yet.”

“You’re wrong. She listens to you.”

“No.” He was pacing – dead leaves crunching under his feet, mud splashing. “No, it’s not my place to tell her. I…I’ve got to leave, Patricia. I can’t be seen here.”

Now, just as Ciel is settling down, an unexpected message is going to turn her new life upside down. To know more, read Chapter 6.


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
557 Reviews


Points: 33593
Reviews: 557

Donate
Sat Aug 24, 2019 5:09 am
View Likes
Ventomology wrote a review...



Hey I'm back! Let's dive right in:

1. Basically the first half of this chapter is just us being told about the household. There isn't really any action in it, just a long summary of things that happened and who's around. I know you're trying to get right into the action of Grady and Patricia's exchange, and that requires some new context, but I think there was probably a way to establish that through a scene and not a summary.

I struggle a lot with this too! I wish it was like a montage in a movie, and we could show little snippets, but unfortunately we can't do that. Fixing this might require a whole extra scene, or you could throw us to the wolves and just do your best to get in as much detail as possible in the time it takes for Ciel to follow Trish.

2. The dialogue between Trish and Brady is excellent. The flow of it--especially the speed and method by which the information gets revealed and reacted to--is well-done, and the difference in their tones gives clear indication of who's talking, even when there are no tags.

But I think we could get a few more details in this scene! The mix of tags is great already, but I've always found it helpful to occasionally scatter in the physical effect that tone-of-voice has on the timbre (sound quality) of the voice itself. In other words, don't just describe the attitude, but the way that attitude sounds and looks. It will help a lot to add nuance to the way characters express certain emotions, as well as flesh out your imagery.

Honora covered basically everything else that came to mind, so that's it for now! I'll be back tomorrow.
-Vento




papillote says...


Thanks for another helpful review :)
I appreciate this, and I'll keep that in mind as I write the next few chapters.
Hope you enjoy the rest.



User avatar
206 Reviews


Points: 8788
Reviews: 206

Donate
Wed Jun 19, 2019 11:13 pm
View Likes
Honora wrote a review...



Hey Pap! I'm here for a review! :D

This one was shorter than the others but was just as well written. I found a couple things, however, so I'll point them out! I actually didn't find anything wrong grammatically or any weird sentence structures so good job on that.

Ok, I lied. I found one funny sentence. XD
'One night, Ciel, who shared a bedroom with Trish, was startled awake in the dead of the night when her roommate brushed by her bed on her way out.'
This is good but I find it a bit weird how you say 'One night'. Maybe try to make it more personal. I find that the way it's written makes it sound more like a narrator rather than what it has felt like before.

Something I would have liked to have seen is more emotion from your main character. At least when she is sneaking up on them. Did she feel nervous that she might get caught? What would the consequences be? I think she would be a little more uptight about the situation than she was. This could just be though and it is already written really well so keep it that way if you want to! :D

I also found that the ending could have been better. Unlike the last chapters, this one left me where I felt content with what I knew. Therefore, I wasn't left NEEDING more!
This could be a good thing though because having too many like that could get monotonous but for something like this site, it might be good to stick with that style. There are so many other stories on here that a reader might get distracted with reading another if you don't leave them a cliffhanger.
I love cliffhangers! *laughs evilly* I love reading my readers' reactions! It's what keeps me wanting to write! ;)

Anyway, that's all I really found. Other than those few things, you did an amazing job and I'm really looking forward to reading what Grady was talking about. I'm in love with this book! ;)

Your friend,
Honora

P.S. I wish there was a way to click the like button more than once!! :D




papillote says...


Once is plenty enough already :D . As always, it's very helpful and helps me keep going. I'll try to publish the next chapter today.



papillote says...


Done. The link is in the chapter above. I hope you enjoy Chapter 6 too. Thank you again, @Honora.



Honora says...


No problems!
Once again, I will look at it when I get on the computer :)



papillote says...


And I'm going to wait with breathless anticipation :p
Reviews drive people crazy ;)




"Now I realize that there is no righteous path, it’s just people trying to do their best in a world where it is far too easy to do your worst."
— Castiel