Dear Lucy: Chapter One

Hey, I'm here to review as requested. (which totally made my day, I don't think anyone's requested a review from me before )

When I was little, life was simple. Life was kind to me. I knew nothing of pain, nothing of hate, but I knew nothing of love either. I really knew nothing of anything then. This is an interesting start, but you go on to disprove everything you've said here. As far as I can tell from this first chapter this kid has a pretty tough life. It's not simple, or kind to them, and it is painful. Kids are not insensible to these things, and they're not stupid, so your narrator should not sound so ignorant.

My mother used to take me to the park and leave me there for hours. She'd tell me to be a good boy and play on the swings until she came back. I wasn't supposed to leave the swings or talk to anyone. If I did, Maman would be very cross with me. She didn't hit me, but I knew that I had been bad if I did. This is good and you develop some characters and some emotion, but remember that showing is always better than telling. Instead of telling us that your narrator was often left at the park for hours, why not just have him recount a specific time when he was taken to the park and left. Use the way he tells it to show that it is a frequent occurrence.

I suppose that this is boring to you, the reader, because this story is not about me, but Lucy. I know I'm being very picky :/ but I'd like you to play with your sentence lengths a little here, or do something else to make an impact. Could this work? - "...this story is not about me. This story is about Lucy." So I'll get on with it and head to the better part of the story.

I was about five years old when I met her. I swung on the swings, just like Maman told me to do, and didn't speak. The other children thought that I was a freak, but I ignored them. I wanted to make Maman happy, and so I did what I was told. This is good. I think maybe you could jump it forward a little. Combine this bit with where you first tell us about how your mother left you in the park for hours. You've started showing instead of telling, which is really good, and I'd like to see it earlier on as well.

"Hey, you took my swing!" A small, brown-haired girl stood in front of me get rid of this 'me' where I was supposed to be swinging, stopping me in my path. I glared at her, refusing to move. She did the same, crossing her arms and sticking out her lower lip.

"Move," I whispered. My voice was hoarse then; I think I had the flu. If you had the flu, tell us earlier, and go to town on all the descriptions of how bad that makes you feel - physical descriptions, rather than emotional, to parallel the emotions of this kid being left at the park.

The girl walked up to me and, to my surprise, pushed me off the swing. This is nice, and they're believable characters. Make sure you don't miss any opportunities for descriptions. If you get pushed off a swing you're not just surprised, you're in pain. Again, that's a description you can use to mirror and build on the emotions of the scene. I stared at her in shock as she looked down at me with anger swirling in her green eyes. I remember the determination shaking that frail body as she declared, "My name is Lucy Serafina Fantelle and my daddy said that I don't need to move for anyone!" I like this! I know kids like that.

I stared at her, my mouth wide open. It took me a moment to collect my wits and get up from the gravel. I stood up slowly, watching her warily as she waited for a response. Then I did something I would never have thought of doing: I shoved her to the ground. She landed on her bottom, letting out a grunt as she did. My hands were clenched and I am pretty sure that there was a scowl on my face as I responded with, "My name is Judas and my maman told me to wait for her on the swings, so this is mine, not yours." My voice was much quieter than hers, but it held the same amount of emotion that she held. I don't like this sentence. Try to simplify it to something like 'I stated, my voice quiet, but strong.' You don't need to explain everything; simplicity can be good.

Lucy brushed herself off, standing up and giving me the evil eye. "I'm telling my daddy that you ruined my new skirt! My daddy will make sure that your mommy leaves you here to die because of that." Lucy turned around, twirling like the diva she was and left me behind. You develop the character of Lucy really well. I also get the sense that your narrator is a little bit fascinated by her, which means that your narrative voice is very strong too.

At first I believed her words. I pushed myself higher and higher in the air just to try to see if Maman was coming back. After what felt like hours, I was about to cry. I had to pee and my stomach was beginning to hurt. The mean girl's papa might've taken Maman away and left me to die here, whatever that meant.

When I saw Maman's blonde head, my chest unclenched and I jumped off, landing at her feet.

"And how are you, mi cheré?" Maman asked in her smooth voice, bringing me away from all of my problems.

"Maman, I met a girl today. I don't think I like her." I held her hand as we walked through our neighborhood, past the graffitti and to our crappy apartment. So, your narrator has two voices - the kid, and the older version of the same person, looking back. Usually you manage those voices very well, but here they mix a little strangely. Does the kid think his home is crappy? Or does the adult version of him, looking back, think that? All you need to do is be aware of the two voices and I'm sure you'll be able to control and separate them fine.

"Oh, you will in time, ma cheré. Now let's get you home before Papa gets angry again." Yay, lots of tension and suspense to keep us hooked for the next chapter. Always a good way to end

All in all I quite like this. The story seems really interesting and you made me want to know what happens next. Your characters are all strongly developed and distinct from one another, and they're also all interesting people. It just needs a little bit of rearranging and some more description. Nice work!

-pigeon

Hello!

So, rather cute story, even though Lucy was quite mean and not-so-cute in the story. But, I think that the story is cute because you captured the innocence of a child's mind very well. Whilst keeping the right amount of narration so that the reader knows what's going on. Good job on that.

paperbackheart wrote:I really knew nothing of anything then.

I think that the 'nothing of anything' bit is a bit tongue tripping. And also when I read it, it sounded a bit mouthful. I would've been happier with 'I really knew nothing then.' For me, that sentence is one of those simple but effective type of thing.

paperbackheart wrote:I suppose that this is boring to you, the reader, because this story is not about me, but Lucy

I have to agree with ziggiefred about how 'the reader' part isn't really relevant to the story. Well, I don't think it's so much unrelevant so much as being worded wrong. If it were me, I would've written 'dear reader'. Because I feel as though if I was to reffered to as dear reader', it would be more like the boy was narrating to us, the readers and that we matter to him. But if I was to be reffered as 'the reader', I would feel like some sort of inanimate object. Although, that could be just me.

I also liked the realism this pieced captured. Since you included the flu, normally, things like that are often over looked except for when they play a really significant part in the story. The dialogue also sounded very real. Especially this part:

paperbackheart wrote:"My name is Lucy Serafina Fantelle and my daddy said that I don't need to move for anyone!"

I really liked that because it sounded like what a five year old might say. Also because it adds to her character, innocence and childishness.

Overall, I think you have a pretty good story going on there. Just some little things to watch out for. Keep it up!

Hello there
I'm here as requested I just want to let you know that this is my first review as a reviewer 2 badge holder, so I hope I make it a great one! So let's get cracking then...

I knew nothing of pain, nothing of hate, but I knew nothing of love either.

Okay, I get what you're trying to do here, but the repeated 'nothing', I feel is getting a little over dramatic. I suggest that you keep the first and lose the rest. The part I highlighted seems a little out of place with reference to the rest of the sentence. Maybe you should make it into it's own sentence instead.

I suppose that this is boring to you, the reader, because this story is not about me, but Lucy.

This is a little awkward and unnecessary. First of all, I don't get any hint that the narrator is writing somewhere (on a diary for example), for a reader to be acknowledged. So you can do without it. As I'm in the audience, viewing whatever it in the narrators mind, I really don't exist in the story. Unless you show some hint in the beginning that I'm included in the story, or you create an imaginary friend or body that the narrator may be communicating the story to, or show that he's writing a letter. After that this, the sentence (without the reader mentioned) will sound relevant

The girl walked up to me and, to my surprise, pushed me off the swing. I stared at her in shock as she looked down at me with anger swirling in her green eyes. I remember the determination shaking that frail body as she declared, "My name is Lucy Serafina Fantelle and my daddy said that I don't need to move for anyone!"

I stared at her, my mouth wide open. It took me a moment to collect my wits and get up from the gravel. I stood up slowly, watching her warily as she waited for a response. Then I did something I would never have thought of doing: I shoved her to the ground. She landed on her bottom, letting out a grunt as she did. My hands were clenched and I am pretty sure that there was a scowl on my face as I responded with, "My name is Judas and my maman told me to wait for her on the swings, so this is mine, not yours." My voice was much quieter than hers, but it held the same amount of emotion that she held.

Lucy brushed herself off, standing up and giving me the evil eye. "I'm telling my daddy that you ruined my new skirt! My daddy will make sure that your mommy leaves you here to die because of that." Lucy turned around, twirling like the diva she was and left me behind.

At first I believed her words, pushing myself higher and higher in the air just to try to see if Maman was coming back. After what felt like hours, I was about to cry. I had to pee and my stomach was beginning to hurt. The mean girl's papa might've taken Maman away and left me to die here, whatever that meant.

I really like this part. Very gripping and cute

Right, so I really appreciate how you kept true to your roots or culture. It's always a good thing if you tell a story according to what you're used instead of the norm. I felt for a first chapter, this was a little short, unless it is a part 1. You could add a few elements about the playground and where exactly, in the playground the swing is located. The weather, was it blazing or cold; the mean kids, what mean things did they do; how exactly did the narrator give them the impression that he was weird and not good enough to hang with. Make me visualise what the environment was like. Watch out for grammar errors mostly and your punctuation; take care of those commas.
I really liked the picture you painted from a five year old's perspective. I always find it hard to write about being a child because I've let all those feelings go, but you did it well. The storyline is a little cliché, but I like the angle you're taking it. It looks like it's going to be a good read either way, and again, is primarily because it's based on a different culture.

Anyway, thank you for requesting my services and I hope I could help!

Keep writing and good luck on the rest of this