Published May 27, 2008
What if we had a song?
Could we?
Would you let me?
Would you except me for who I am?
What if I held you?
And I never let go
Would you be angry?
Would you untangle me?
What if I kissed you?
Would you hate me?
Would you never want to see me again?
Would you?
What if wrote for you?
Would you read it?
Would you throw it away?
Would you like it?
What if I whispered to you?
Would you shove me away?
Would you ignore me?
Laugh in my face?
What if I told you I loved you?
What would you say?
Would you reply with a cruel response?
Would you detest me?
Would it hurt?
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141,261 Literary Works • 674,331 Reviews
I thought that it was really good. It isn't poetry in the way that most people think of it, but there's nothing wrong with that. Personally, I like your use of questions. If someone is standing up, reading poetry, who actually responds anyway? In the stanza:
, the second line doesn't seem to fit in with the poem very well. It's the only line in the poem without a question mark in it.I thought it was a pretty good poem; it seemed to actually have meaning to it. After a few revisions and some editing, it will be much better.
WOW, in a good way I assure you this piece is well, stunning. I like it alot, think it's powerful. For some reason it feels like something I would even write. i love this really it should be put as your featured work, if I do say so myself. Keep writing I hope to hear more from you, best of luck.
-Max
I liked your message you gave out in this poem.
Thanks so much all of you.
I'll keep trying!
Yours truly,
Cally
It wasn't as bad as some made it seem. Some of the questions were brutally honest and I actually get what you're trying to say. I guess it's all a matter of opinion and how you take the poem. You could probably sculpt this into a more ... how can i say this... honest?... poem. Make it real and like Suzanne said, include the reader. Explain it to us a bit more.
But all in all, I love the base of it, the idea. It could be an amazing piece of writing if you work at it some more. =] I know it's a pain in the backside, but I've learned that rewriting your work to sculpt it really can help.
All in all, it wasn't too shabby! I'd love to see the next draft, if you choose to work on it some more!
Much Love,
Leelo
i really liked some of the questions you asked. it had you thinking and it made my think of my on life and how some of those questions related to me. however the way you placed some of your questions were confusing. i do think it speaks to the reader, though that's only my opinion.
I didn't get anything out of this. The questions made it so monotonous and so tedious to read I had difficulty getting through the poem. Conceptually and emotionally I liked it, but your construction was to be blunt, awful. Your imagery was near pitiful. When you write that way, it makes your readers feel empty inside. I don't intend to be mean, if that's how I'm coming off, but this poem and probably your skills as a writer need a lot of work.
Hello there.
It wasn't by far bad. But there's something missing. The structure was somehow uneven, and the meaning didn't feel very strong.
These lines are pretty. I liked them. But then the atmosphere gets broken by a too long line that's misspelled.
This sounds weird. It would be better to say "What if I held you and would never let go".
You forgot the "I". And this feels empty. What would you write? A note? A letter?
Strangely said. "Would you reply cruelly?" is more correct.
All in all, I think it's a nice try. Don't stop writing poems, however – you will only improve. And I'm glad to be part of those helping you to do it.
Best wishes and Good luck!
Demeter xx
Oh yes, and thank you Suzanne for the help and suggestions. I really appreciate tips on how I can improve my poetry.
Thank you honestly,
Mikaela (Cally)
Thank you blacktiger3915 and justin5676. You totally just made me feel very happy inside.
I would appreciate, instead of you just bashing my three year old poetry, you actually give me CONSTRUCTIVE criticism.
So thank you so much for making me feel emo. I'm going to go write more not poetry.
Sincerely yours,
Mikaela
Oh yes, I am, what you would consider, slightly sensitive to what people say about me and my expression.
Thanks again,
Mikaela
Amen.
Oh my goodness! Toooooooo many questions! My head is hurting. This really isn't poetry. Just a bunch of questions with no rhythm or flow. I wrote a poem that asked a lot of questions, but it had a flow and rhythm Maybe you should take a look at it. It's called "Simply As That". Best wishes!
Way too many rhetorical questions. Not to mention you are writing this poem for someone else and not your readers. Poetry is a weird thing. Most people don't realize it when they just start writing poetry, but poetry is a lot more for the reader than it is for anyone else, even the writer. When you write a poem you need to include your reader, and make them feel what you are feeling. Instead, here, you just list questions to one person. I suggest you give this to that person, or hide it all together. Poems like these aren't for showcase, if you understand what I mean? Poems are good for self expression, but sometimes poems like that aren't the best to share with the reader.
I suggest you read poetry. That would help you understand more. Poetry has a lot to it, not just words in verses. There is imagery, symbolism, meaning, metaphor, so, so much packed into a poem that doesn't exist in here at all. Some of the best poets on YWS include: Incandescence, Fandilocks, Via, Leja, and Cade. Some good published poets that I can think of up the top of my head are Frost, Dickinson, Longfellow, TS Elliot.
I hope this helped. Please, read some poetry before you write more! It will help more than you can know.
Wow. Although sometimes the use of too many unanswered questions is bad, you pulled it off. The flow was kinda iffy, but it worked all the same. Loved it.