They can not be...

I liked the poem, and understood it is a simple narrative perception of things that "shouldn't" be, that the narrator is simply looking over everything the world shouldnt have to offer.

good job Congradulations

keep writing and =) happy reading (=

pandoraswritings--


What is this?

Overmodified.

Underconceived, clumsy narrative, for example:

"I stop and smile,
And think a while,
At the things that can not be.

Like a homeless man,
You see now and then,
Trying to find his way."

I was unaware homeless men are "things that can not be."

This has all the earmarks of something that was dashed off in fifteen minutes.


Best,
Brad

My reaction: Wahuh?

There's something majorly missing here, and guess what it is? Coherency. I'm really not getting the point of this poem!

I stop and smile,
And think a while,
At the things that cannot be.

OK, first things first. This is so-so way to begin a poem - it could use a bit of jazz, to be honest. Secondly, who do you know who thinks "at" things?! Personally, I think "about" things LOL Might want to change that word there. Perhaps "on" would fit better?

Like a homeless man,
You see now and then,
Trying to find his way.

Now this is where I lose it. What exactly is it about a homeless man that cannot be? If you're talking about a homeless man who exists, then it follows that a homeless man can be. So -- where is the connection here? Also, why does the first verse rhyme and the second verse have no rhyme? If you're going to rhyme (I wouldnt advise it) then stick with it. Otherwise it looks weird O_O

And they stumble and trip,
And can't find their grip,
And they just cannot be.

What, precisely, do you mean by "cannot be"???? Because I'm getting mixed messages here. To my mind, to say something "cannot be" is to deny that it is possible for it to exist. But it seems you see it differently. Please clarify.

Like a little girl,
Whose races swirl,
And the people are quick to judge.

This verse makes NO sense whatsoever. "Whose races swirl"? What? I'm sorry, but I dont get it. And where do the judging people come in?

And violence follows,
And torment swallows,
And they just cannot be.

Again with the nonsensical verse. Violence follows what? Quick judgment? Torment swallows what? Please dont just throw in random words to make it rhyme!

And I laugh and smile,
Because in a little while,
They will find their way.

Where?

They may stumble and fall,
But in the end, they'll have it all,
As they walk through Heaven's gates.

OK, this is better.

These pure at heart,
Who never start,
Will be able to say,
"I can be, and I found my way!".

I can be what? Never start what? Why does this verse have such an irregular rhyme scheme?

Basically (and forgive me if I'm grumpy, I am seriously tired right now) you have two problems: coherency and consistency. Your idea is unclear and you keep jumping about, neglecting to connect your images. Work on those two things and your poetry will improve no end You might also want to try using more imagery in your poems to make them more accessible to the reader. When we are forced to imagine things for ourselves, rather than have things pointed out or "told" to us, we engage with a text and have to create our own meanings, use our own memories and feelings to understand what the writer is trying to say. Which, basically, is much better than being a passive reader, if you know what I mean

Anyways, I will look forward to seeing some more of your work

Cheers,
~bubbles