Published April 3, 2013
Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and mature content.
Chapter 1.
"Mo-om!" I yelled, running down the stairs. "Dylan is about to kill me!" Dylan, my twin brother, ran after me, looking furious.
"Mom! Claire put toothpaste in my hair!" Dylan yelled also.
"It was an acci-argh! Jerkwad!" I screamed as a dump of toothpaste was rubbed on the side of my face. "Mommmmm!"
"Calm down, you adolescent children!" Dad said jokingly, walking out of the bedroom with my mom following closely behind.
"Da-aady," I whined, playing daddy's little girl. "Look what Dylan did to me!" I pounted. The culprit made gagging noises.
"You're 16, not 5." Dylan rolled his eyes. I swatted him away.
"Shut up, Dylan. Stop being a jealous pansy." I retorted, sticking my tongue out.
"If you both don't stop it, the two of you are going to be late to school, and I'm going to be late for work. Get ready!" Dad said, rolling his eyes at the usual morning chaos that was the Crowne household. His voice sent us off to our adjacent bedrooms. Did I mention we have to share a bathroom? Gross. Who knows what boys do in the shower.
I put on a pair of American Eagle sweatpants and a loose box T-shirt: I have this tradition of dressing down every Thursday, and today was no exception. After putting my glasses on and pulling my long, dark-brown hair in a high ponytail, I checked myself in the mirror. I looked like a bum.
I liked it.
Dylan and I bounced downstairs at the same time. Unlike me, Dylan had a dress-up tradition on Thursdays: today he was in khakis, a pink-he calls it salmon- button-up shirt with a bow tie. Dressed up as he was, my twin was probably going to make multiple girls swoon. Annoyingly popular, Dylan was head of the school Tennis and baseball teams. With his slender figure, height of 5'11", and golden-ish brown hair that flowed, Dylan Crowne was at the top of the Sophmore food chain at Norman Smith High School.
"Gross, as always," we said at the same time and grimaced. Different as we were, spending 9 months in the same womb created some sort of weird, almost psychic bond between us.
"Have fun at school, kids." Mom kissed each of our cheeks before we ran out the front porch. We got into Dylan's Mustang, because apparently, I wasn't ready for a car. Meanwhile, my brother, 3 minutes and 5 seconds older than me, was. I mean, how freakin' unfair is that?
As soon as we were a couple blocks away, Dylan blasted his 'favorite' playlist: endless songs by Lil' Wayne, Eminem, and whatever the hell it was that came in the radio nowadays. "You really should put One Direction in that playlist! You know you're a male Directioner!" I yelled through the booming bass notes of some rap song.
"I'll make you walk to school!" was Dylan's annoyed reply.
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"Class, we have a new student today. His name is Andy Parker." Our WHAP-World History AP- teacher, Mrs. Henderson, said as she called the class to attention. WHAP being 5th period: the first class after lunch, everyone was chatting up a storm. I sat silent, carefully observing the new guy that stood rather awkwardly infront of a class that didn't really care.
Andy had pale skin, dark brown hair and the eyes of the bluest blue which made me instantly envious. Too bad my eyes have the exact color replica of mud after rain. He looked tall, even taller than Dylan... I guessed around 6 foot.
"That new dude is a cutie!" My best friend, Ivy, half-whistpered, half-shouted across two rows at me.
"His name reminds me of something..." I said, thinking hard. "Was it Batman, or Superman? He sounds so familiar."
Ivy rolled her eyes. "You mean Spider-man. Because the main character's name is Peter Parker. Jeesh Marie, Child." She said, laughing as I scratched my head, trying to think. Was it Peter Parker?
At Ivy's naturally loud laugh, several people threw questioning glances at us. Andy's eyes, also, flickered to our direction, but instead of looking away like the others, his eyes bore into mine for a couple more seconds. Then he chuckled to himself, looking away. I blinked at the surprising amount of tension that his eyes held.
Mrs. Henderson sighed and led Andy to an empty seat. Smack between me and Ivy. Holymoly. He was even more of a cutie up close. Ivy wiggled her thin eyebrows at me and I burst out laughing, disrupting whatever the poor teacher was trying to say to the class. Not that anybody was listening, but still, I got the full-on glare. My phone vibrated from inside my pocket.
Ivy: He's, like, Edward Cullen in person. Unf.
Me: ask him to suck your blood. My iPhone buzzed almost 2 seconds after i hit the send button.
Ivy: I would, but I think he's more interested in you.
"Are you really texting in class?" My head snapped up to meet the teacher's eyes, which were shooting daggers dipped in hellfire at me.
Okay, let me tell you something about my WHAP teacher. She really, really, hated phone-users in class. She hated them so much, that if it were up to her, I think she would gladly put any phone she sees down the drain. And send that student to juvenile. Thank god that all she can do is give a detention.
But no. I was a good student. Good students did not get detentions. I was usually the top student, more or less the teachers pet in all my classes.
By this time, the class had quieted down and 27 pairs of eyes were on my face as I flushed, probably to the color of beet plum. "Day-um, goody two shoes trying to be a rebel?" Some jocks laughed. I shifted uncomfortably in my seat and avoided any eye-contact.
"She was showing me the school website, ma'am." Oh lordy, who was this savior sent from heaven? His voice was like chocolate melting on strawberry. To my joy, it was Andy.
Mrs. Henderson blinked. "Oh, of course, but next time, make sure you do that outside of my class." The class finally minded their own businesses, with several disappointed sighs, now that it was obvious that noone was being sent off to detention. I whispered a thank you to Andy, who glanced in my direction but swiftly ignored me. I felt a flush creep up to my cheeks once again. It's okay, I told myself. He didn't have to respond to me. He was obviously way out of my league, and he probably just helped me out because he felt pity for me.
The bell rang and I hurried to meet Ivy, who was already out the door. "What do you think of him?" I immediately asked, "I mean, aside from the obvious attractiveness."
Ivy, with her teal eyes of wisdom, thought for a moment. "He's a pretty face, but I wouldn't trust him with my life, if you know what I mean. I'd rather stay away from all his gorgeousness and mind my own beeswax," she said carefully, smiling a little. If I wasn't used to the contrast of her personality when she was being silly and when she was being serious, I would have put what she was saying as a joke. But I knew that she was being completely serious and trying not to hurt my feelings by telling me her thoughts.
"What do you mean?" I couldn't help but ask.
"I'm not exactly sure." Ivy said. I waited for her to continue, but she was evidently lost in her own thoughts, so I left her to them. My mind drifted back to class, and his voice. It was like honey drizzling in a freshly made Caramel Macchiato, like hot fudge on vanilla ice cream, like- you get the point.
I knew that Ivy's intuition was usually right.
I hoped that she was wrong.
Because I was interested in Andy Parker.
I also hoped that I wasn't making a mistake.
Because I was inter- you know the rest.
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Hi, this is Min c; I revised my first chapter so it has less or hopefully no grammatical or spelling errors, and to fit the story line I currently have in mind. Please read and see if you like it!(: Thank you.
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141,312 Literary Works • 674,341 Reviews
This is amazing! I don't believe there is any spelling mistakes. To me, story writing is about creativity and fun, not if you have the correct spelling or grammar. That doesn't matter unless you are having no fun and only want to critisize others. Also, in all honesty, you really are quite talented. Not sure about others but I'm hooked, that's for sure. Can't wait to read more!
Okay I'll say it here, I'm not a romance reader at all, but this was interesting. I saw it on the front page and thought that I would take a look at it. I'm glad that I did. Even though I don't read romance or anything like that, I liked the descriptions and how the story flowed. Also the dialogue was very interactive, making me feel as if I was sitting in the classroom. Keep writing!
I love how the children at the beginning are like the average American teenagers. I don't like it personally, but the way you used it in this story is what I like to see. I did notice the way up you used "Ahh!" The beginning. It seems out of place. Maybe "AH!"or something else would have worked better. I am sure others may have noticed that too. And I agree with them.
... I messed up the quotations but the website won't let me fix it. >.> Sorry about that.
Hi there! Gsp here, and I'll be your reviewer today. Or one of them. Depends.
So let's jump right in, shall we? We'll start with the things I noticed that should be changed, and then go to the good stuff. Things in bold are things that I think should be changed.
The "AHH" looks kind of out of place. Maybe something like "AUGH" or "AH" instead? I don't know, that's just a little thing. It'll look fine either way I think.
Just a typo here.
Alright, I've noticed a couple of things here. First off, the dad's demeanor seems to change pretty drastically in a short amount of time. Then again, my dad does that sometimes, so I don't think it's a big deal.
Second, you contradict yourself. You say that they're going to their "adjacent bedrooms", and then in the sentence immediately after that you say that they share a room. Make up your mind.
"an American Eagle sweatpants" doesn't really make much sense. You say "an" like it's one thing, and then say "sweatpants", which is considered a plural. So you'll want to say something like "a pair of American Eagle sweatpants" or something like that.
Also, the colon there should be a semicolon. ex: ;
Very unique description.
Alrighty! In conclusion, this is a very nice piece thus far and it has a lot of promise, I think. You really need to watch out for those run on sentences and grammar errors, but other than that all-in-all, this is very good.
Keep on writing, and if you'd let me know if/when you post the next chapter I'd be grateful!