Chapter two
When Nisha got back up to her room, she hopped onto her bed and curled herself up. She could hear the distant sound of bickering, but she couldn’t identify the voices. Her eyes became heavy as she let out a small yawn. She sighed and fell asleep for a few hours.
When she woke up, it was night. She was surprised to smell smoke. The smell made her crinkle her nose and sneeze. She walked out of her room to find a horrid discovery. A fire had started in the foyer and had gotten all over the castle.
Nisha’s first thoughts were to get out of the castle and find her mother immediately. The fire was beginning to snake its way up the stairs as she ran into her mother’s room.
“Mother! Mother!” she called, only to get no response. She ran out of the room, only to be greeted by fire. The fire had blocked her only exit: the stairs. She ran over to the stairs and jumped over the fire, only to find she wouldn’t make it over. The fire was too large, covering the entire staircase. She landed at the very end of it, knowing that the tile floor in the foyer was the only safe spot for now. She landed with a tumble through the fire, scorching her black fur coat. She tumbled through the flames onto the tile floor.
She slowly got up and looked at her coat. There was no damage, but some of her beautiful fur had been scorched off. She shook herself, getting rid of the dead fur, and ran into the garden. It looked like she had stepped into hell.
All of the plants were on fire. They spread the fire around like an epidemic, burning everything in its path. Nisha could barely breathe as she ran through the flames, screaming her mother’s name. Suddenly an enormous tree fell in front of her, blocking her way. She tried to find away around it, but there was no use. Whoever was behind that tree was doomed.
“Nisha! Nisha!” said a voice. Nisha looked over the tree, but saw nothing. She heard the voice again, more pleading. “Nisha! Nisha!”
Then another tree fell, this time too close to Nisha. She couldn’t take it anymore. She ran for the exit. She looked back one last time, hoping to see her mother’s face, but saw nothing but smoke.
She ran into the foyer and through the castle doors. Once outside of the castle, she was horrified; the entire kingdom of Talon was on fire. Thousands of buildings were toppling over each other as townspeople ran for cover. Nisha ran through a crowd of people, most of them with children by their side. She ran faster as the flames began to catch up with her, pushing through more and more people. Her paws were beginning to get tired, but she kept running. She stopped for a moment to breathe and think. Where am I supposed to go? The whole town is on fire! She thought.
An idea popped into her head. The lake! I’ll be safe there! Water and fire don’t mix anyway. Nisha began running toward the lake, which was on the other side of town. She flew past groups of people, amazed as they watched her dart to the lake. When she finally got there, however, she was greeted by soldiers on horseback, each one carrying a sword in hand.
“There’s the wolf that escaped! Kill him!” said one of the soldiers. Suddenly the horses all began galloping toward Nisha. She knew there was no time to correct them. She ran the opposite way, soldiers quickly following her. She ran into an abandoned building, still not eaten up by the flames. The soldiers passed right by.
For a minute Nisha calmed down. She breathed in the cool, clean air and relaxed her tired muscles. Suddenly a set of claws dug into her neck and pinned her down. She tumbled onto the ground and tried to fight off the intruder but it was no use. She looked up at his face and gasped. It was the wolf from the dungeon.
“Listen to me! I’m on your side! I want to get out of here too. But in order to do that, we have to work together,” he stated. He crept off her as she slowly got to her feet. She looked at him with disgust. She felt like killing him right here, but she knew that he was right. She couldn’t get out here alone, not with the soldiers wanting to kill her.
“I’m all ears.” she said. He smiled at her trustingly.
“Thank you,” he said. “Now, here’s what we gotta do; the guards will chase us all around the city, but there is one place the will stop at; the forest. If we get there, we can get back to my pack and they can help us.” he explained.
Nisha still didn’t trust the stranger, but she agreed. The two ran out of the building and into the night air. They ran right pass the soldiers, who immediately spotted them, and the chase was on. Nisha noticed as they got closer to the forest, the less fire there was. It relieved her a little, but her heart was racing. She didn’t like the idea of going into the forest at all. She knew the minute she walked in there she would get killed.
She noticed that the wolf she was following was a lot faster than her. He jumped over large pieces of debris and swerved around the flames, while she ran directly into the flames and tumbled over all of the debris. It amazed her how swift and agile he was. This must be part of his life; learning how to run and jump like this, she thought.
Suddenly a sharp pain entered her right shoulder. She tumbled down and whimpered, knowing that the soldiers were coming closer. She looked back to see how far they were, only to be horrified at what she saw. One of the soldiers was holding a bow and arrow. She looked at her shoulder to find an arrow lodged deep in her flesh. The blood oozed from the open wound. She howled as the pain overwhelmed her and made her dazed. The wolf ran over to her and nosed under her belly, trying to get her large weight on his back. When he finally did, he stumbled as he carried her to the exit, which was only a few yards away. He ran as fast as his four legs could carry him, determined to get her out.
The soldiers began to run toward the gate that sealed the exit, trying to shut it. The wolf ran faster and faster and the exit became smaller and smaller. As the doors almost shut he jumped through the small opening and tumbled onto Nisha. He heard the doors behind him shut with a loud bang. He checked to see if Nisha was alright, only discovering his fall made the arrow get lodged deeper in her. He set her down gently on the soft grass and lied down next to her. He saw her eyes slowly open, and let out a sigh of relief.
“Where…where are we?” she said weakly.
“We’re outside the kingdom, in the forest,” he said softly. Nisha tried to lift her head up but the wolf nosed her head back down.
“No, don’t,” he pleaded. “You’re too weak. Please try to get some sleep. I promise you I will find you some help.” he murmured. He didn’t like watching this poor stranger suffer, and he didn’t want to go home now, for he too was tired. He lied down next to Nisha and began to groom her now bloodied coat.
“What…. what is your name?” she murmured.
“Darius,” he said, smiling fondly at her. “What is your name?”
Nisha looked up at him and smiled, before shutting her eyes.
“Nisha,” she whispered. Darius snuggled up next to her, licking her behind her ear before resting his head on her neck. He breathed in her aroma, becoming intoxicated by it. It smelled nothing like the forest did. In the forest, the she wolves smelled of blood and prey. But this dog, this small human pet, smelled of flowers and peace. He nuzzled his head closer to her body, listening to the soothing sound of her pulse.
“Nisha,” he whispered to himself, “my little Nisha.”
He closed his eyes and listened as the pace of his heartbeat matched hers. For the first time in his life, he thought he had found a mate of his own.
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Canary word: Present
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Hey again, I'm back for another review. Hopefully I won't be too harsh.
Might sound better like 'had spread through the entire castle'Did you mean staircase maybe?
For some reason, I really like that metaphor!
You say Nisha five times right there. I'd only say her name once each time. Twice sounds sort of tacky. This particular section needs a lot of help. I'd write it out as
"Nisha!"
She spun around and scanned the nearby area but saw nothing. The voice came again, only this time, more pleading.
"Nisha!"
two but's. Try "but saw only smoke".
I'd suggest italicizing thoughts, just so it's easier for the reader to follow.
might sound better as "She darted into an abandoned building, one of the few not consumed by the fire."
simply typo, the should be they.
maybe try 'who immediately spotted them. The chase was on.' Put the last sentence in it's own paragraph. It makes it seem more epic!
You don't need the 'she was following'. Your sentence gains nothing from it. And change 'a lot' to 'much'.
Comma not period, and lowercase 'S'.
I'd take the 'Please' out as well as the 'I promise you', and abbreviate 'I will' so it sounds more natural. And change your second period to a comma.
Also, I wouldn't have them stop right outside a gate, that's asking for trouble. Maybe Darius keeps running until he reaches a large tree with a hollow (like those natural, root-formed caves underneath trees), and they stay there.
However, I do love the fact that the dog/wolf ACTED like a dog/wolf. Bravo! Much better, and much less human-like. Although there are a few place that sound a tad human, but you'd probably catch them if you read through it again.
On the whole, this chapter was written much better than the others, and I'm really looking forward to the adventures regarding Nisha and Darius. Keep writing, and keep practicing making animals act and sound like animals.
~Addict