Trailer Trash

Thanks for the reviews. I'll work on it. Sorry if the rhymes were sort of forced. I'm new at this. Lol demoness. I just like reviewing and don't have a life. Sorry.

Oh my goddess, and hey, I'm Demoness! This is such a touching poem!
Amazing story you're telling here, you deliver a very important message and I love how even though the kid's obviously has got a hard time he's still so strong and keep goals and yeeh. BRILLIANT!
If to complain on something, that would be some of the rhymes which I find forced.. the last line in the first stanza for one.. It didn't really make sense
The ending was great in one way, since it was hopeful, but also... it was a bit dissapointing and dull.. Try spicing it up a bit!

Otherwise, great flow and structure and story and all... Loved it!

Good Luck & Keep Writing

// Demoness (I don't like you as much as I like your poem.. you're trying to steal my reviewer of the month title.. and I've been working SOOOO hard!! ^^ )

In the land of white trash,
there was a boy who gave a crap.
His name was Martin E Nash,
and he just wouldn't shut his trap.

When the kids would call him out
and say that he was poor,
he would begin to shout
and exclaim "Get out some more!" I like this stanza. Rhyming was good. Didn't seem forced.

He may have bought his outfits
at the second-hand shop,
but out of high school classes
he would not drop. Forced rhyme right here.

He wouldn't be like his daddy,
smoking dope and dealing coke Nice assonance.
and working as a caddy.
He would rather choke.

No, Martin wouldn't be like his mom
eating away the pain You don't need to repeat "eating". It's more powerful like this.
of mistakes like the threat of a bomb,
that on her record would remain. I don't understand this?

Martin would leave
the poverty and mobile home behind.
He would believe
in the future he had to find. You can induce imagery in this last stanza. Don't be so literal.

I really liked the message this gave of hope and making it through tough times, and the rhyming was nice too. But one stanza didn't make much sense and a couple of the rhymes did seem a bit forced. But you've already been told this, so I guess I don't need to repeat it. I really liked your style of writing, and how honest it seemed. I hope you keep up the good work!

Thanks for the reviews. I'll work on it. Sorry if the rhymes were sort of forced. I'm new at this.

You have an interesting poem here. What was your inspiration?

I'm going to try to give you a good review...but I apologize if it isn't good since I haven't reviewed in a while.

paintingtherain97 wrote:In the land of white trash,
there was a boy who gave a crap.
His name was Martin E. Nash, --> put a period after "E"
and he just wouldn't shut his trap.

When the kids would call him out
and say that he was poor,
he would begin to shout
and exclaim "get out some more!" The 'G' doesn't need to be capitalized

He may have bought his outfits
at the second-hand shop,
but out of high school classes
he would not drop. --> this rhyme seems a little forced...but I like where you are going with this.

He wouldn't be like his daddy,
smoking dope and dealing coke
and working as a caddy.
He would rather choke. --> maybe make the first two lines of this stanza a sentence and the second two lines a separate sentence...it might help with the flow.

No, Martin wouldn't be like his mom
eating and eating away the pain
of mistakes like the threat of a bomb,
that on her record would remain. This stanza confused me a little bit. Maybe try reducing the amount of words, as it is a bit wordy.

Martin would leave
the poverty and mobile home behind.
He would believe
in the future he had to find. Nice job on the happy ending :]

That was a really good poem and it rhymed too. It also has a really good message that was clear and understandable. I don't usually review poetry and my review might not be worth anything at all but I belive that you should change nothing at all. I hope you keep writing poetry so that I could read more.

This is so inspiring and definitely has a good message

The only problem I see with this is the rhyming seemed forced at places.

and exclaim "Get out some more!"

He would rather choke.

of mistakes like the threat of a bomb,

there was a boy who gave a crap.