Published August 6, 2011
I see
but do not feel
until my dad
trudges off
to his new house,
to his new family,
to his new life.
Then it comes,
in a rush
of hurt
and tears.
Mom stands by,
impassive,
robotic,
as the ground
is split,
unevenly,
craggily,
isolating us,
on our own little island.
That night,
I start.
I find the cabinet,
miraculously,
unlocked and
full to the brim,
with a depressed girl's dream.
There's whiskey
and beer
and wine
and more.
I rench out a bottle,
without even looking,
and gulp
and gulp.
My friend
won't answer
her phone,
even though,
when she heard,
she said she'd be there,
for me.
I call up this kid,
this jackass I know,
who likes to undress
women
with his eyes.
Mom is out,
with friends,
as if I should
be left
alone.
He arrives,
quick,
in a beat-up
old truck,
motor running loud,
his friends
in the back.
He hands me
the bong,
the bong
I promised Dad
I'd always say no to,
before he met
his receptionist,
his slutty blond
receptionist.
I lead him inside
and we do
what he's wanted,
since he saw me
in the senior hallway.
When I finish,
I know
my life will never be the same.
I'm trapped
because of the craggy split.
But I won't let them
do this to me.
I open my notebook
and write.
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138,533 Literary Works • 672,152 Reviews
Why is always the "man" who moves out with his "new family"? WHich always implies that it's always "men" who cheat and it's always "men" who are the problem
Then again, you are a girl, perhaps you were brainwashed by the media or another source or sources to feel this way.
Ok this has huuuge potential. Really. All you need to do with this is flip it, and with that I mean use some literary devices. Instead of telling us that you cry, show us. What are your tears like? Like rocks that crush the ground? What is your dad to you? Your mom? You used one metaphor, which is the "own little island" one, but other than that you're just telling. And as long as you tell, no matter how heart wrenching the piece is, we won't truly connect to how you feel. My parents split when I was 13, but I don't feel so much empathy for you right now. But if you changed this up a little and stuck some imagery into this, I would probably feel what you feel.
Give it a go, see what you come up with. Like I said, I think there is huge potential in this piece.
EDIT - on another read through, it's pretty good. I'd still be glad if you used a few more literary devices. Especially the second last stanza. Good luck and good work!
Interesting poem. I'm guess it's in free verse since it doesn't read like a lot of poems I've read. I like the emotion you put into it. Very raw. Nice job, didn't see too many errors.