Top of the Ferris Wheel

I was born in the capital of Brazil, Brasília. Nearly two years ago, my family immigrated from there after my grandmother’s passing. It was hard for a long time. If I’m being honest, it’s still hard. English is still foreign and I was already struggling in school back in Brazil. Most things are different in the states – the clothes, the people, what is accepted. Some of it I prefer here. The people here are better, or they at least pretend to be. It was established when I first started school that I didn’t know much English, so I got assigned a helper – Elliot Blake – to assist me around the school. Everyone was nice and considerate, but they also all assumed I couldn’t speak any English. I knew enough to understand what they were saying about the immigrant students. My twin brother, Matteo, didn’t. When I tried telling him, he didn’t believe me because everyone acted so nice. Truthfully, we were only close as kids and quickly drifted as we grew up and became different people as teens. Once we moved and people swarmed us because we were new, we drifted too far apart to come back together.

We avoid each other most of the time. It isn’t difficult because our friends don’t associate with each other. All his friends are aggressively popular people that are obsessed with their image. Unlike him, I was happy with my one friend, Theo, who on multiple occasions is described as a walking ball of sunshine. He encourages me to do a lot, or he'll force me to do it. He did that with volleyball because he thought I’d be good at it. I’m not, but the team is also bad so I did make it. 

        Over the course of my sophomore year, things I would have never expected to happen in Brazil happened here. I dyed my hair red – though it has started to fade – my parents stopped forcing me to go to church, they weren’t down my throat about my grades anymore. My life felt more relaxed, or it did until I was forced to start tutoring.

        My grades my junior year weren’t good enough to continue playing sports, so I had to start seeing a tutor to try and fix it. Thankfully, my tutor was Elliot. Even though he was only assigned as my helper for five months, he still continued to do it our entire sophomore year. We were in the same English, math, and chemistry class. When he was my helper, he sat close and originally helped me with work as I learned more of the language, seeing my struggle with most of my classes even as I did learn more. This ended in him helping me as much as he could even before he was officially my tutor. Now he was just getting paid to do it. It was every Tuesday, Thursday, and Friday in the school library right after school. It was empty and quiet, making it easy for him to help and easier for me to focus. I still had a tendency to stop listening and accidentally stare at him instead of my paper when he was explaining what to do. He never seemed to mind, instead laughing at me and continuing to explain whatever I hadn’t been listening to.

        There had been enough improvement in my grades to let me continue with volleyball, so my parents stopped paying for tutoring. It was a little disappointing since I’d finally started to enjoy it. To my surprise, and I think a little to his own, Elliot offered to continue doing it for free. “It’s really not a big deal. I have an actual job and this was just a little extra,” he explained as he walked me out of our last paid session. “I’d rather continue helping you than get paid to help some idiot who doesn’t care.”

        It took me a second to realize he was serious. “Thank you.” That was all the answer needed. I was obviously happy, hiding it poorly. That seemed to make him happy. “We can keep the same days and times if that’s easiest.”

         I nodded along as he spoke about having to meet somewhere else since the library would be given to others for official tutoring sessions, but how his parents would probably be fine with it being at his house and that they’d like me. He opened the school doors and we finally noticed it was pouring rain out. Neither of us had an umbrella. His car was on the far side of the student parking lot and I walked home since I didn’t have a car. “Do you want me to drive you? You really shouldn’t walk home in this,” Elliot insisted. This wasn’t the first time he offered. I’d always said no because I knew he lived near Theo, who lived on the other side of town. That’s why I normally said no, but even I wasn’t stubborn enough to walk through weather like this. We ran to his car together and then struggled to get in because he couldn’t find his keys. After a minute, I pulled the handle and we realized the car was unlocked. Once we were out of the rain, we both started laughing at our own stupidity. He asked for my address. Most of our drive was silent except for the music playing on the radio, “Iris by the Goo Goo Dolls.

        When he pulled up in front of my house, the lights were off and there weren't any cars in the driveway. “Are your parents not home?” he asked as I opened the car door, shaking my head. “Out of town,” I explained. “Matteo has baseball.” A month ago, Matteo finally made it onto the travel baseball team like he wanted. Since his first game was this weekend and he’d been doing well in school, my parents took him to Washington early to celebrate. That left me home alone until next Monday when they would get back.

        Elliot looked a little concerned. “They just left you? When are they gonna be back?” I grabbed my school bag, still trying to leave. “Monday.”

        He took my hand, stopping me from getting out yet. “Are you okay with that?” I hesitated before nodding. “It’s fine. I like it. Being alone in the house.” He’d noticed the hesitation though. He also realized he was holding my hand and quickly let go, turning slightly to hide the slight flush on his face. I got out, only hearing his car drive off once I opened the front door. Elliot had waited to see me get inside before leaving.

Another month of my tutoring passed. Because he wasn’t being paid anymore, we had a tendency to talk about things other than school. We ended up studying in weird places too. The park was my favorite, but we went to his house and sometimes the public library.

Theo was thrilled when he found out that Elliot offered to continue with me for free. He said it was good for me to like someone other than him. Theo always asked how our studying went, always trying to get me to admit to things that never happened. He’d been doing that every chance he had since I’d admitted to him how I felt different. As much as I was still against acknowledging my own feelings, he always tried to get me to be more open. 

One Friday. Elliot met me at the front of the school so we could walk to the park together. On the way there, he was complaining about the delegates from the student council. “They’re bitter they didn’t get voted in. Anytime one of them has an idea and we vote, they all agree with each other even if it’s stupid.” I was nodding along. Across from the park, a carnival had been set up. The sounds of children's laughter and the bright lights were easily seen from our picnic table. “Have you ever been to a carnival?” he asked me once he noticed me staring, neglecting my work. I shook my head. “Not in America.” 

“Would you wanna go to one?” I could feel him looking at me while my eyes were still on the carnival. I shrugged. “I don’t have money to buy a ticket anyway,” I stated, reluctantly looking away and staring at my paper instead. “I’ll take you,” Elliot offered. “It sounds fun, going together.” I finally noticed him sitting a little closer than normal, hand closer to my paper than his own. He seemed eager for my answer. I could tell what he was implying by asking.

I shook my head again. “You don’t have to, and my parents wouldn’t let me go anyway. They’d say I can’t.” He didn’t seem to care whether I was allowed to go or not. “Well, my offer stands if you change your mind.”

        Theo was ecstatic when I told him about the offer the next day. “Why didn’t you say yes?” he questioned as we ate lunch, talking with food in his mouth. “My parents would never let me.” I seemed unbothered. That didn’t seem to persuade him. “Then sneak out! Live a little, be a teenager,” Theo insisted. I shook my head. “You’re so boring. You need this.” He still couldn’t sway me, and that seemed to disappoint him. “Maybe they would let you go. You never know.” I groaned and laid my head on the table. “No, they wouldn’t. You don’t know them or my brother. They’d think it’s weird and suspicious. Matteo definitely would, and they'd believe him if he said so. You remember how he told them about my hair before I even got home.” It just seemed to make him angry, which made him try harder. “Cause your brother is a loser. And maybe they’ve changed some. You said they stopped making you go to church with them, right?” I scoffed, shaking my head and sitting back up. “It was cause my hair dye. They didn’t want their church friend to see me. I’ll have to go back once it fades more.”

Theo finished chewing his cheese sandwich, a food choice I still considered odd. “I’ll help you dye it again. Maybe green this time.” I tried not to laugh, taking some of the crust I’d peeled off my own sandwich and tossing it at him. He laughed too, taking another bite as he brushed the crust off him. “You don’t even know if he was asking you out. Maybe he just wants to go with you as friends.” I started to pack my food up even though it was half-eaten and lunch wasn’t close to ending. I always lose my appetite when stressed or upset, and right now I was both. “You weren’t there. The way he said it, how close he was, how he was looking at me. It felt like it was how I stare at him, and I know how I feel about him.” Theo smiled at me. “So if you could, you'd go?” I nodded. He finally dropped it, seeming happy that I admitted I wanted to go with Elliot. Theo went on complaining about his still slightly busted ankle until the bell rang. We were walking out together when I saw Elliot with his own friends. He smiled and waved, only looking away once his friends brought him back into their conversation.

        Over the next two weeks, Elliot and I continued to study together and he didn’t bring the carnival up again. Theo, on the other hand, seemed to only talk about it. He seemed determined to make me go. Finally, last week the carnival was in town. Theo only seemed to get worse, constantly swarming me with reasons that I should go. I couldn’t take it anymore, so I finally decided to ask Elliot if he’d still want to go with me. 

Elliot and I were studying at the park and we walked by the carnival again. “Do you still wanna go with me?” I asked him halfway through our studying. “What do you mean?” He looked up. I was staring at the carnival again and after he followed my gaze, he remembered his offer. “Oh, of course I still want to. I figured you weren’t going to change your mind.” I’d started to doodle flowers on my homework. “Theo thinks I should go, and I still want to.” There was a pause, the sounds of laughter from the carnival being the only sound. “But your parents won't let you,” he said. I’d explained to him during one of the tutoring sessions when talking about weekend plans how my parents were too traditional and it was a miracle I didn’t have to go to church anymore. “They would say it’s wrong,” I whispered.

        More silence followed. “I wanna sneak out, so that we can go,” I told him, finally looking at him. He looked almost relieved we were going to try and go. “There is a tree next to my window. I can climb down it.” He nodded along, agreeing that he’d come get me and drive me to and from. I was attempting to hide my excitement but failing. Elliot smiled at my enthusiasm. “What are you most excited to do?” he asked me. “I don't know. I’ve never been to one.”

        He listed off different rides like the ferris wheel and something called the Scrambler and the Himalaya. I still didn't know what they were, but Elliot thinks I’ll like them. He said he'd bring extra cash, so we could get food and try the games that, hopefully, weren’t rigged. A little after six o’clock is when we finally started walking back towards the school. I wished we could’ve continued talking about everything he wanted us to do, but at least it meant we were closer to going to the carnival.

        We walked back to the school together since I had to walk that way and he’d left his car parked there. Like always, he offered to drive me home and I said no. Today I actually wanted to walk. Once I heard his car drive off behind me, I couldn’t stop smiling. I kept thinking about getting to go with him. The walk felt quicker than usual. When I got home, I did the last of my homework and had dinner. I didn’t sleep at all before going, instead laying in my bed and staring up at my ceiling.

I’d dressed for the colder fall weather, wearing my black sweatshirt, jeans I did my best to keep nice, and the same sneakers I’d been refusing to replace for two years. Around 10 P.M. I texted him to let him know my family was asleep. He replied by saying that he was already there and waiting across the street. I quickly, but quietly, climbed out my window. I was sure I looked awkward doing it, and Elliot confirmed it by laughing at me as I got into the car. “Was that harder than you thought it would be?” he asked, still trying to conceal his own laughter. I couldn’t argue since I was laughing at myself. “I’ve never had to climb out of a window and into a tree before.” That only resulted in both of us laughing.

        The car ride was quiet like it had been when he drove me home on the rainy day. This time his Bluetooth was connected, playing “Locked Out of Heaven” by Bruno Mars quietly. We got there late enough that the ticket line wasn’t too long. Even in the line, we didn’t talk, but there was an air of excitement between the two of us. Finally, Elliot bought both of our tickets and we went inside.

         It was busy and crowded, everyone talking and trying to get onto the different rides. Elliot took my hand, making me blush as he guided me through the crowd to get to the first ride he wanted to show me: the Scrambler.

        We finally had started talking while waiting in line. “Are you excited?” he asked as we moved forward again. I nodded eagerly, not trying to hide my smile or excitement like I normally would. He returned my smile. Eventually, we got on the ride. He helped me climb on. The ride was fast, the cars spinning us around. I was laughing the entire time even as we got pushed together, neither of us bothering to move away. I was practically jumping up and down when we got off. He wasn’t nearly as enthusiastic, but he was still smiling at me. Next, we went on the teacups, a slower but still enjoyable ride. We got to spin the wheel in the center, increasing or decreasing the speed. It wasn’t super consistent, but it was fun taking turns struggling to move it. After the teacups, we went on the Himalaya, another fast ride where the cars gained speed on the tracks until it felt like we were flying around.

        I felt like a little kid, giddy and excited about something so simple. Elliot didn’t seem as thrilled as me, but he still had that same smile I accidentally always stare at. The crowd was quieting down, thinning the lines as people started to go home. We didn’t. It felt like if we had the option, we’d stay the entire night, but there were only another three hours before the carnival closed.

        The last ride we were going to go on was the ferris wheel. Apparently he’d been waiting to take me on it. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d been up that high with such a clear view of the sky. I kept leaning over the edge while Elliot seemed to be trying to sink into the car. “What are you doing?” I finally questioned. He laughed awkwardly. “Sorry. I’m just not a fan of heights.”

        “It was your idea to come on the ride,” I said, confused about why he’d bring me on a ride he clearly didn’t like himself. “Why did you do it if you don’t like it?” He had that same smile again. “Because I figured you’d like it. Honselty, I haven’t liked most the rides we’ve gone on, but I thought it was all stuff you’d enjoy.” My heart felt like it was doing little flips and I could feel my face turning red. That only seemed to brighten his smile. “Have you liked all the rides?” he eventually asked me as we got closer to the top. I nodded. ‘You haven’t.” He laughed at me again. “I can come to the carnival any day, you can’t. I wanted to make sure you actually enjoy it.”

        We finally were at the top of the ferris wheel. I could feel my face getting hotter as we looked at each other. I was still staring at that smile. We were sitting closer to each other than I remember, or maybe we had just moved closer. Eventually I was close enough to feel this breath, and then he leaned a little closer. It was nothing like I expected. My shoulders relaxed, my whole body feeling lighter. It lasted a few seconds. It might have lasted longer but the ride started moving again, breaking up our kiss at the top of the ferris wheel.

        Awkward silence followed as we realized what we had done, but we were still sitting close to each other, our hands barely touching. “That was… good,” he whispered, breaking the silence. I nodded, feeling him look at me again. I was biting the inside of my mouth as I turned to meet his eyes. I was staring at his lips again. “Now what do we do?” He hesitated before answering. “I’m not sure. I’ve never done anything like this.” Neither of us knew what to say, instead finishing the ride in silence, but our hands intertwined now.

        I let go as we got off the ride, following him to some of the picnic tables. “Are you hungry?” he asked me as I sat. I nodded, and he looked around at the stalls. Elliot left me at the tables and came back with some popcorn and a thing of cotton candy, which I’d never had. “This is cotton candy. Try it.” He tore a piece off, giving it to me. I took it, feeling my face turn red again. The cotton candy dissolved in my mouth, tasting like raspberries, strawberries, and sugar. “Do you like it?” he asked, smiling and laughing like he already knew the answer. “Can I have more?” Elliot was already sliding it across the table. “About the ferris wheel. Can we talk about that?”

        I took another bite of the cotton candy, attempting to work up the courage I needed. “I liked it. I think that I like you too,” I struggled to admit. “I have for a while, I think. I just wasn’t sure what to do with it.” He was trying to hide his smile. “I think I like you too.”

        My stomach felt like it was doing backflips again. He stole some of the cotton candy. “Why do you think I offered you free tutoring?” Elliot laughed. I blushed a little more. “Cause you’re nice,” I said, eating some of the overly salted popcorn this time. “Not that nice, Nico.” I smiled at hearing him say my name, sliding the cotton candy closer to him so we could share properly. “What do we do now?” I questioned. He shrugged. “I’m not sure. I can’t imagine your family would be the most supportive given what you’ve implied, and they wouldn’t even let you come to a carnival.”

        I nodded. He was right. They wouldn’t be. “I wish they would. It made everything so much easier,” I complained, biting the inside of my mouth. Elliot poked my cheek. “Stop that. Eat the popcorn.” He pushed it back towards me. “We should just finish… whatever this is, then we can worry about it.” We finished eating the popcorn. I brought the cotton candy with us as we went to go look at the carnival games. “Do you wanna try any of them?” He asked me. I shook my head. “Do you wanna want to watch me try them?” I nodded, eating more of my cotton candy.

        Elliot only attempted three different games. One was the ring toss, which he was really bad at. He could only get one ring out of five on. The second was something he called Pyramid Smash. He threw a ball at cans and tried to hit them down. He won a small prize, a pack of cheap, beaded bracelets. The first thing he did was give one to me, then one to himself. “There. Now we’re matching.” Mine was blue and purple with a small star charm while his was red and white with a crescent moon. The last game he did was some shooting game where he had to hit the targets down as they popped up. That was easily his best game, only having missed two of the twelve targets. As his prize, he picked the smaller version of the massive teddy bear. Then he gave it to me.

        “But you won it,” I stated, confused about why I was getting everything he had won. “I wanted to get you something to remember this. That and I have no need for a teddy bear.” I smiled, not trying to hide it. “I’m glad you like it.”

We went and sat back down, talking for the last twenty minutes before everything closed down. I kept the bear in my lap and we finally finished the cotton candy, the blue dye turning our tongues the same color. It felt like the night would continue forever, or it did until a staff member came over and said the carnival was closing. Reluctantly, we headed back to his car. “This was fun,” I said, hesitanting as our hands brushed against each other. I wanted to hold his hand, but he beat me to it, intertwing our fingers together. “I’m glad. We should do something like this again, instead of just more homework.” I nodded in agreement. “I’d like that.”

He opened the passenger side door for me, and I got in. Once he was inside too, he turned the car on and “Bennie And The Jets” by Elton John started playing. “When do you think you’ll be free again?” He asked me, interrupting the music. “I don’t know. Soon probably,” I answered, watching him drive. “Would you wanna go to see a movie or something?” I nodded. “I’ve never been to the movie theater.” Elliot laughed at me. “Theres too much you’ve never done. I’ll take you,” he assured me. “How do you feel about scary stuff? The new Scream movies it out. Apparently it’s bad but it could be fun to laugh at.” He had started to ramble and I stopped listening to most of what he said. I wasn’t a scary movie person, but he seemed too excited about taking me to say no. Eventually, his rambling stopped. “So, do you wanna go?” I nodded. “I wanna. We can go.” Elliot smiled, unfortunately pulling into my neighborhood.

He parked a little bit away from my house, turning the music volume down. “Well, I’m really glad we did this,” he said, his own face turning a little red. “So am I. I just wish we’d agreed sooner.” He nodded, finally looking at me now that he wasn’t driving. “So do I, but at least you did and we got to go.” I was reluctant to leave, wanting to spend more time with him. I only got out of the car after we shared another kiss. The last thing he said was “I’ll see you on Monday, Nico.”

I noticed his car parked across the street as I awkwardly climbed back up the tree to my window. It was much harder with the bear. He finally drove off when he saw me get inside safely. I flopped onto my bed, holding the bear against my chest and fiddling with the bracelet. I never thought I’d get to have a night like this. “I can’t believe we got away with it.”