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Young Writers Society



Take and Take

by ozasatya


The temple was big and wonderful,
The deities’ statues were very beautiful.
They were smiling at us trying to tell an invisible reality,
But the fool-hardy ‘devotees’ were full of stupidity.

They did not know what the real wisdom was,
For ideas and realization they did not give a thought.
Poor God! By making man like him He made big mistake ,
And the punishment of his folly he was always to take.

God made all the living beings including human,
He loved them all as if they were his daughters and sons.
The humans had the most power by receiving mental supremacy,
They could solve the problems which had a lot of intricacy.

Thus now they are the masters of the earth,
They look upon other creatures with lot of mirth.
Expecting man to live in peace and harmony with other creatures was God’s big mistake,
To God’s disappointment and sadness they just follow the policy of take and take.

On a visit to a Keralan temple. Those people who were there did not pray much, they were just talking. But when the time to take the 'prasad'(sacred sweet) came, they started pushing and quarelling. I got angry at this and wrote a poem. Hope you all like it.

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Tue Jan 12, 2010 6:28 pm
AquaMarine wrote a review...



Hey there!

This is kind of good. I think that you need to work on a few things. Firstly would be the emotion in the poem. I can tell that you wrote it while you were angry because of the subject choice, but your lack of poetic devices mean that emotion isn't coming out of the words you write. In addition, I think it might be nicer if you concentrate on the 'take and take' idea throughout this, expanding it out with some poetic devices such as imagery. It's a good idea, so make the most of it.

~Amy




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Tue Jan 12, 2010 6:07 am
BondGirl007 wrote a review...



I thought this was pretty good...a little hard to get through, but once I got the meaning, I like it. The last stanza I really could identify with because I see the same thing. So there are a few things I would do to improve it just a little.

Thus now they are the masters of the earth,
They look down upon other creatures with lot plenty of mirth.
Expecting man to live in peace and harmony with other creatures was God’s big mistake,
To God’s disappointment and sadnessthey just follow the policy of take and take.
Just a suggestion :D. Keep writing.

~Hope




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Wed Jan 06, 2010 8:23 am
empressoftheuniverse wrote a review...



You have a lot of superfluous words that are a little hard to slog through

ozasatya wrote:Thus now they are the masters of the earth,
They look upon other creatures with lot of mirth.
Expecting man to live in peace and harmony with other creatures was God’s big mistake,
To God’s disappointment and sadness they just follow the policy of take and take.

This could be
ozasatya wrote:They are the masters of the earth,
Looking upon other creatures with mirth.
Expecting man to exist peacefully was God’s big mistake,
They just follow the policy of take and take.

Your poem has the right idea, it just needs less words to express it with. This goes for all stanzas. Just try to be a little less wordy, see what happens. :smt001




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Thu Dec 31, 2009 12:48 pm
McMourning wrote a review...



Hmm...It's interesting.

ozasatya wrote:The deities’ statues were very beautiful.
They were smiling at us trying to tell an invisible reality,

I like "an invisible reality". I don't think, though, that you need to say "They were", you could just put a comma in after "beautiful".

The humans had the most power by receiving mental supremacy,

I don't like this phrase. You can simply say, "Humans received the most power with mental supremacy," or something like that.

Expecting man to live in peace and harmony with other creatures was God’s big mistake,
To God’s disappointment and sadness they just follow the policy of take and take.

Because these lines are so long, they throw off the flow of the poem.
He expected man to live in peace and harmony with other creatures,
but to His disappointment they just take and take.




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Sat Dec 26, 2009 7:26 pm
OxfordandOnyx wrote a review...



Hey there ozasatya! First off, I have to warn you that reviewing poetry isn't something I'm good at but I thought I might as well try and give you my personal take on your poem :)

Nit-picks

They were smiling at us trying to tell an invisible reality

I'm confused at the meaning behind this line, I think you're best off rewriting this, so it makes more sense.

Poor God! By making man like him He made big mistake

'made a big mistake'.

And the punishment of his folly he was always to take

Not too sure about the part in italics, possibly needs to be rephrased?

God made all the living beings including human

I think you should rephrase this as it doesn't flow very well.

Thus now they are the masters of the earth

The 'thus now' part is a little sketchy to me.

They look upon other creatures with lot of mirth

This should read, 'with a lot of...' Also, not too keen on the word 'mirth' being used here. Why would they be looking at the other creatures of the earth with laughter? I thought you were trying to convey the humans as superior?

Expecting man to live in peace and harmony with other creatures was God’s big mistake

You've repeated the whole 'God's mistake' thing before.

The intorduction of a poem is a really big thing for me and the first line wasn't really that gripping, and I think you could replace the word 'big' with a word that's a little more fitting; when describing something such as a temple, which I would imagine to be very old and sacred, a word like, 'grand' might be better suited. Though this is a matter of personal choice. Also, I think you could have used better imagery in the first two lines when describing the temple of deities.
And after reading the entire poem I was left wondering where this stanza fits into the rest of it!

In parts of this poem the flow breaks up and disrupts me, so I think you should try and read over it in future (out aloud) to see if it is fluid.

My last point: with writing you basically have to write the image inside your head and this is where the concept of Showing vs. Telling comes in. It felt like you've solely told me the story of how 'God did this' and 'God did that...', and it isn't very engaging! Try and play around with your 'tell' statements and see if you can transform them into imagery aka the 'show' part! :D

The inspiration behind your poem seems to come from a personal experience so I think you could use your memories of what you saw and how you felt, to help you with this poem.

I hope to see more of your work on the site, and PM me with any questions or if you want me to review any other work!

Keep writing!

#004080 ">-Onyx





Memories, left untranslated, can be disowned; memories untranslatable can become someone else’s story.
— YiYun Li