Published December 26, 2009
I remember the day I was born,
I cried a lot, for, from your loving body I was torn.
For nine months my kicks and punches you had to endure,
But on seeing me, radiated from your body a joy pure.
During my childhood days, I had a craze for tantrums,
Loud and strong enough were they to puncture one’s eardrums
Often, you weathered and destroyed the attack.
Because, those tantrums could not make your love for me crack.
I remember that often in your arms with sleep I would sink,
While in the cradle, for me you were the knowledge ‘s link.
For every moment you were not with me,
My heart would cry for seeing thee.
Every time I would hear your voice,
My ears would whoop with rejoice.
I remember my bad health and sleepless nights you had to endure,
I am asleep-you would sleep only after making that sure.
Many-a-times you resisted the offices lure,
You would not work until I had a cure.
With studies and discipline you were stern,
After making a decision you would never turn.
You taught me that from troubles never run,
Staying calm and disciplined would make them burn.
And as I see you, you are quite a sight,
The aura which emit has become very bright.
For me, you shall always remain a symbol of might
And also a giver of hope’s light.
All the advices you have given me in the young days,
I follow them with success-tis I pray.
And when I die and am put in a tomb,
My only wish would be to again be in your womb.
On my Mom's birthday.
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140,623 Literary Works • 673,564 Reviews
This would be much better if you didn't force rhymes.
Seems like a sweet poem and all, but it's all so awfully stilted and odd because you've tried to force rhymes into every line. Freeform isn't a sin of poetry, in fact it's quite good when the alternative is trying to make rhymes like this.
Try rewriting it, and just make the words flow naturally, without trying to make everything rhyme.
~Aet
I really liked this piece. The parental image is something that anyone recognizes and smiles at. I've got to say, I was worried when I saw the title of this piece. I somehow thought it would be a very dark poem. I have no idea why. I thought I was walking into "Oedipus Rex", but what I really found was "How Do You Love Me"? Actually, if you haven't read it, take a look for the poem "How Do You Love Me", because any poetry parent related makes me think of it. I wish I could put up a link, but I just tried a google search and found nothing for some reason. Fair enough, I don't know the name of the writer who wrote it, so that makes the search harder, but the point is that it's a good, mildly famous poem that makes me think of yours.
Have a nice day!
First of all, I love this--the subject, the way it's written, it's beautiful. Tears would have come to my eyes if I was one of those people who cry at such things--I don't, sorry. I wish I could cry, because this is so beautiful. I love my mom, and it shows in this poem that you love yours! Great, great job. Love the subject.
Tata!
-Mizzle
Hey there!
My main problem with this is the flow. The rhymes make it seem kind of bad, which is sad because you've chosen such a lovely subject choice! Some of the lines, especially:
Feel forced. It seems to me like you've put your rhyme above your story. That's not so great, but it's easily sortable. Why not check out rhyming websites for future poems? That way you can get the best rhymes.
~Amy
Very sweet of you to write to your mom. When I have a son, I hope he loves writing just as much as I do. You're great (:
I'm tennis, by the way.
The rhyming was a little awkward here, as in other parts of the poem. Poems don't have to rhyme. Poems can come solely from the heart, just spitting out phrases and getting them on paper. Write from the heart, not from the mind.
the "I pray" section didn't make much sense. Again, don't force your rhymes. I know it's hard not to but it sounds so much better when it's pure. In fact, you weren't even rhyming here.. The line would be better without that little part.
Overall: Great hook and conclusion, I think this poem tugs at every woman's heartstrings. Thank you so much for giving me the joy of reading it and I know your mom will love it. It's beautiful. Thank you so much.
Technically: 8/10
but my heart says: 10/10
Very nice... here's just a few comments.
• Last line throws off whole stanza. Work on word placement. The rhyme should sound easier.
• What? Make this clearer, the reader should not have to read a stanza over and over again to try to find meaning. This isn't the only line that has this problem.
• Again, reword the first line, it's so choppy. Also, "endure" has been used too many times. It's noticeable.
• You mean her aura wasn't bright in the first place?
• "This I pray?"
• The last stanza should really be reworded. Try "My only wish would be to rest again in your womb." The amount of syllables throws off the whole stanza and with it the whole poem as this is the last line and it should be a clear as possible. The last line is really what makes a poem.
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The main issue is syllable's and rhyming. Try hard not to stuff too many words in one line, and make sure your rhymes are not just stuck in like a filler. Make your stanzas flow.
I know it's probably too late to fix any of this stuff, but I hope my advice will help you when you decide to write more poetry.
I know that since I'm new and my name isn't purple, you probably won't take my advice to heart. Please take my comments seriously as I do know what I'm talking about.
To be honest, I really liked your poem and I'm sure your mum absolutely adored it!
-Queen
Aww, this is so nice!
I love how you have travelled through your life, and put not only the bad, that your mum had to help you with, but the good that kept you guys strong.
This is really pretty, I really love it.
P.S I'm starring it.
~Mo.