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all dressed up and no where to go (volume one).

by orlamurphy01


We're skipping along the foot path, ice creams in hand, the icy smell of cold vanilla filling our nostrils. She squints her eyes and and her eyebrows levitate towards her golden hair. Distracted ,she trips and falls and rolls over laughing on the emerald green grass. She laughs. I laugh.

I've played this memory over and over in my head a thousand times. This is the happiest memory I have and it's whats been keeping me going these last few months. You have to have something to keep you going, something to fight for, when you hear what I hear and see what I see everyday.

"john there's a phone call for you here. It's from Ireland" the lieutenant said butchering my native nations name with his Texas drawl. Still even his terrible rendition of my home land's name was music to my ears. I was desperate to hear an Irish accident to brake up all the yanks. I bounded towards the receiver maybe a bit too enthusiastically as I received a few stairs on my way but with phone coverage being what it was in the middle of the desert in the middle east I didn't care as my desperation trumped my fear of what my fellow officers thought of me.           


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Points: 292
Reviews: 13

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Thu May 12, 2016 2:56 am
MicrohieraxFT wrote a review...



Nice. I've always found action, adventure with cultural themes interesting. Are you gonna make a new chapter/volume for this one? Anyhow, I'm no expert in writing and most of my reviews are very basic.

Now, I think I spotted a few typos here.



"Distracted , she trips and falls......" needs to be written as "Distracted, she trips and falls"

"john" not only is it the first word in the sentence, but it is also a name of a person. The first letter needs to be capitalized. I hope this helped. :D




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485 Reviews


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Sat Apr 16, 2016 2:48 pm
Elijah says...



First of all,I want to say ..Welcome here and hope you have a great time in this site!
Also,good job at your first work which i personally like but still I think this work needs a lot of work and maybe rewriting all over.
Well,It is understandable because you are new and maybe you do not know how it is going on here with the reviews and how the reviewers are usually being the critics here that look at your works.
It is your first work so maybe this is why you have this problems.The tense is something I do not like in this story.I overall like it but still it ruins it all for me to be honest but that is fixable,I could say.I think you need to read some works in this tense so you can use it right way.
This is going to help you a lot.
I hope you still are happy to be here!




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485 Reviews


Points: 21027
Reviews: 485

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Sat Apr 16, 2016 2:47 pm
Elijah wrote a review...



First of all,I want to say ..Welcome here and hope you have a great time in this site!
Also,good job at your first work which i personally like but still I think this work needs a lot of work and maybe rewriting all over.
Well,It is understandable because you are new and maybe you do not know how it is going on here with the reviews and how the reviewers are usually being the critics here that look at your works.
It is your first work so maybe this is why you have this problems.The tense is something I do not like in this story.I overall like it but still it ruins it all for me to be honest but that is fixable,I could say.I think you need to read some works in this tense so you can use it right way.
This is going to help you a lot.
I hope you still are happy to be here!




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Points: 40
Reviews: 3

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Fri Apr 15, 2016 6:30 pm
GrayLynx wrote a review...



Don't write in present tense unless you are very aware of the cinematic effects it creates, and know how to take advantage of it, and even then only do it sparingly. I feel as though this introduction is too generic. You need to begin the Volume after he picks up the phone, otherwise when the action begins, and not when the action is preparing to begin instead.

Remember to begin fiction narratives in the middle of the action. There are no need for set ups in dramatic literature.



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orlamurphy01 says...


Thanks for the constructive criticism. I see what you mean but I was trying to build the tension before the action begins. I am kind of new to writing so I thought I'd try this approach for this piece but I will try another draft with your notes. Thanks again



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Fri Apr 15, 2016 6:29 pm
Holiday30 wrote a review...



Oooo......so I get to give the first comment up here,cool. First let me say welcome to YWS, and I hope you will continue to write, like this because this is truly a captivating little intro you got going on here. I will say you should make it more visible on where you would like the story to go because in my opinion there isn't enough info for the reader to jump in and get into the story. I myself had to read it a couple of times to grasp all the contents here and I am great at you know using context clues and bridging one event with another, and I think I do see the angle you are trying to take but not everyone is like me so just think about this when doing an intro, "Can I add more without revealing the plot? Can my reader understand what I am writing? Will this confuse any readers who might read this?" If you can answer these honestly with the right answers then you will be able to create an intro that will blow many people away. But once again great intro.



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orlamurphy01 says...


thank you for the helpful advice. I understand what your saying and I will defiantly take this into account when I write the next instalment. Thanks again




I was weeping as much for him as her; we do sometimes pity creatures that have none of the feeling either for themselves or others.
— Emily Bronte, Wuthering Heights