Young Writers Society

Hello! Dropping by with a review.

I quite enjoyed this little vignette into your character's life. I feel like there are some really interesting foundations for a good short story here.

I noticed that you said in reply to one of the previous reviews that punctuation is something you struggle with. If I was going to suggest one thing that needed improvement here it would be that, so the fact that you're aware of that is already a good thing. My suggestion would be to, on your first draft, just write and don't stress the punctuation too much, Then, once you've got the piece written, and you're proofreading, read it aloud (You don't actually have to read it out loud, whispering it or mouthing the words should work too). When you're reading aloud rather than in your head, you'll be better able to find where the pauses naturally exist in the sentences. The old big pause = full stop, small pause = comma rule of thumb isn't a bad one to follow. If you think a sentence needs to be split up, it probably should.

The Great Grammar Compendium here on YWS has a pretty impressive section on punctuation, which you may find helpful.

Anne's anguish feels very believable and authentic. So yay! I would however like to have a bit of context for what has made her feel this way - was it something a friend did or said? Someone at school? A crush? Her sexuality is discussed later in the piece, but it's unclear whether it ties into her initial state of mind at the beginning of the story. You start the story with the line "People are full of sh**" - what has caused Anne to come to this conclusion?

This story has a very stream-of-consciousness feel to it. Part of this is caused by your sentence structure - run-on sentences, for example. I have some mixed feelings about this. With this being a piece that is very much about what's going on in Anne's head, a stream of consciousness structure would not be out of place, just be careful that it's not too rambly.

The ending was sweet, and I liked the ideas you were expressing, although it was a little rushed. I think if you extend the scene her cousin, it would strengthen the story. I don't think the final paragraph was necessary - personally, I think the "that's what makes it fun" would be a much stronger point to end on.

I noticed the use of "I mean" and "See, ..." quite a lot throughout this piece. I felt like it drew the reader out of the piece a bit. Were it written in first person point of view, but because it's third person it stands out, and adds a bit more distance between Anne and the reader. Stylistically, it is up to you - and perhaps you wanted to have a sense of an onlooker narrator - whether you choose to keep these.

That's about all I have to say. If you have any questions, feel free to let me know!

Hey, here for a review.

The first thing I noticed was the title, which is already grammatically incorrect. You messed up on the your. "You're" is grammatically correct, or you could just say You are instead.

"See these were the type of things Anne worried about she never wanted to be anything other than clearly in the white. However life isn't black and white and this ideology of always staying the white hadn't got her very far to date."

Correction: See, these were the types of mundane things Anne worried about. She never wanted to be anything other than clearly in the white. However, life is not black and white. The ideology of always staying the white had not got her very far to date.

"Its probably just the hormones playing tricks again she thought and with that she gained the strength to push herself up of the bed and join the party. "

Correction: It is probably just the hormones playing tricks again, she thought. With that, she gained the strength to push herself up off the bed and join the (descriptive detail) party.

"This was of course typical teenage shit and the memory of something her mother had said gave her some consolation 'people never are really comfortable with themselves until they reach 40', so at least she was at her appropriate stage of development. This fact provided little consolation and the tugging at her last remains of hope grew stronger. Although by now she was so numb to it she barley even realised. She wonder was this what it was like to be depressed or was she just being dramatic, another teenaged characteristic."

Correction: This was of course typical teenage shit. The memory of something her mother had said gave her some consolation. She had told me that 'people are never really comfortable with themselves until they reach forty'.

(You do not need to repeat consolation twice. Also saying this fact makes it sound as if you are writing an essay. 'This essay provides' sounds out of place.)

"The party if you could call it that, consisted of her 4 cousin their parents her parents and her sister Alex. It wasn't that she didn't enjoy their company it was just that she had been feeling more and more distant from them lately, as if they were trapped behind a glass barrier, just barley visible but not loud enough to distract her from her thoughts. As she thought about it she became more and more sure that she was depressed."

Correction: The party, if you could call it that, consisted of her four cousins, their parents, her parents, and her sister Alex. It was not that she did not enjoy their company. It was just that she had been feeling more and more distant from them lately, almost as if they were trapped behind a glass obstruction, just *barely* visible but not loud enough to distract her from her thoughts. As she thought about it, she became more and more sure that she was depressed.


"Anne barley even realised she had been pondering on the concept of fun and neglected her conversation with her cousin who had grow tired and run off to find something more interesting to do. Anne scanned the room once more but before she could pick out something worth while it was time for cake and food always comes first."

Correction: Anne *barely* even realised(UK?) she had been pondering on the concept of fun.

Okay, you have lost me here. It becomes confusing and hard to understand.


Anyways, hope I helped in some fashion.

Hey hey!

How are you? Ready for a review?

This feels real. And that's a big complement. The thoughts are all over the place just like a human would have. Great!

Now other little things:

"That's the only thing Anne knew to be true she thought, as sat with her head in her hands on the edge of the bed" The first line, everyone is full of shit, opens with a bang. Knocks the readers out of the park, and then the next line bores people. You had a great beginning, continue with it. Show me Anne in rage then her looking all sweet and innocent when she gets out of the room. Show me more emotion! Show me something REAL!


"'people never are really comfortable with themselves until they reach 40', so at least she was at her appropriate stage of development" This was funny. Which isn't something new, most of them are, except they are long and ramblish. Shorten them. Go straight to the point.


"People use words like fuck and shit in a whole manner of different ways so they can better express themselves, aren't words just a means of communication after all." I just wanted to tell you I totally agree.

"Anne didn't love kids or maybe she did she didn't really know people seemed to think she didn't anyway but she knew for sure that she liked messing and this was the perfect opportunity to have a little fun." I can't breathe...*suffocates slowly*...ahhhh. This needs punctuation. If you can read this 10 times fast then it's a good sentence, this needs a little work.


"Anne scanned the room once more but before she could pick out something worth while it was time for cake and food always comes first. " I feel like, if you end it with this, I won't think of it anymore, it will pass threw me...I need a good strong ending. Maybe she sees her long last DEAD boyfriend? Zombies? maybe someone faints? The cookie monster barges in? All of the above? Ending something with food doesn't get the reader gasping for more.


Overall thoughts: This is good. The story is interesting. Anne seems like a cool girl and the family vibe is familiar to everyone! Fantastic! Great job! Work on my advice (if you want) and then this could be really GREAT!

Love,
Lau.