Published June 29, 2010
All of your precautions,
you're careful protection,
never fail you, if you can help it.
Intentions so pure,
seduced by safety's allure,
there's no obstacle beyond your confrontation.
there's no room for harm and tears,
your world, devoid of mistakes and fears,
holds all of your attention.
Evolution passes you by,
in desperation, you shield your eyes.
never learning through your caution,
of the world you've fallen voluntarily behind.
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Hi there. Like Snoink already mentioned, this poem is very vague. There's nothing concrete that your readers can directly relate to or that will stick in their minds, so this poem is not as memorable as it could be. Giving specific examples of how the "you" in this poem acts is one way of grounding this poem, and it gives you an opportunity to incorporate some vivid and memorable imagery.
The structure of the poem could also use a bit of work. You have a really weak rhyme in the first stanza, and I didn't realize there was a rhyme until the third since I thought that the rhyme in the second stanza had been unintentional. There are a couple of reasons for this: the first is that the meter, or number of syllables in each line, is inconsistent for the rhyming lines. This wouldn't be so bad if you had a set pattern of syllables for each line within the stanza, such as a 3-5-7 scheme, but there isn't a pattern. Since rhymes are a form of pattern, a lack of pattern in the meter results in a failed or off-sounding rhyme.
I suggest that you focus on establishing a meter first, before you try and rhyme things. A poem with an excellent meter can sound just as good as a rhyming poem, if not sometimes better. Also, incorporating a stronger rhyme in the first stanza would help make it more obvious that there is a rhyme scheme in the poem.
Hey originalhobbit!
First of all, you might want to check for typos again... there's one in the first line which is a bit glaring.
Now! For your poem! One thing I would like is that you get out of the abstract and into reality. Right now, you are so abstract that it makes everything vague and rather confusing. What exactly are you talking about, besides the fear of strangers? You might want to bring something concrete to this so we can better visualize it. Otherwise, it's all very vague.
Just a thought!