Published April 23, 2010
I don't believe you.
You ask me for love and then never return the favor.
I can't deceive you.
So I'm taking the fall for all your lies and shifty behavior.
If you just wouldn't lie to me.
I wouldn't have to turn back on you.
If you would have trust in me.
I wouldn't have to feel sorry, like I do.
Just take a leap of faith.
let me love you like you know I can.
Just take a second to let me be there.
And accept for all that I am.
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140,210 Literary Works • 673,042 Reviews
Yeah, I'm sort of lyrically challenged. I can do choruses well enough, but if you ask me to do a bridge, that's probably not going to yield good results.
Yeah, I think this would definitely work as lyrics. Of course, you would need to add more to it if it were lyrics, because obviously you would need a longer song, but still!
For poetry, I want more juicy imagery. Because in poetry, really, juicy imagery is the cool thing to do, obviously. I don't know! Lyrics are pretty and such, but poetry has no music to make it more awesome, so it needs to have its own juices somehow. So less telling, more showing. If that makes sense...
Thanks for the good reviews and constructive criticism. I wasn't expecting people to like this, since it was an experiment of mine, but I appreciate that it was well-received
Hello there and welcome to YWS!
First of all, the concept of your poem and it's emotion throughout the poem really shows.
Almost everything or all, seemed to rhymed well. The flow of your poem's good, from the start till the end.
Keep writing!!
Peace out!
Definitely would sound great as lyrics, as Jane said above.
Those two lines should have commas at the end, not periods. I also think the poem is a bit too vague--you don't really delve into the topic of trust, but just skim over it with a some angst about love. That works fine for song lyrics, but I think poems should go a bit deeper, no?
Otherwise, nice work.
I really enjoyed this poem. It's has a good ryhme scheme and it almost sounds like it would be a good chorus for a soft rock song. I liked the last 4 sentences a lot:
"Just take a leap of faith.
let me love you like you know I can.
Just take a second to let me be there.
And accept for all that I am."
They really summarized the poem and it was a good ending for it.
-Jane
This isn't bad, Hobbit. (I can call you Hobbit, right?)
The rhyme scheme is effective and you deal with an important subject.
If ever you need something reviewed, don't hesitate.