Published May 26, 2010
Suddenly I'm feeling the blame,
all I see is the blood all over my hands.
I want out of it,
I can't handle it.
I need to destroy the evidence.
I know you trust my innocence,
but now I need you to know I'm guilty.
The facts can't change,
they're etched in stone.
Let's get things cleared up before too late.
I need you to come with me,
to put your trust in me again.
You need to see me,
I'm showing you the woman I really am.
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141,418 Literary Works • 674,398 Reviews
First of all this poem was easy to read. Easier to read then it was to follow. Although the poem leads the reader through a serious story with much potential, it is hard to understand what the story is. In my eyes the narrator was trying to redeem herself to the one that she had lost. I may be mistaken. However, i like this poem. I very much like the suddenness of the realization that she wanted to change. It is how true human emotion is. Good Work!!!
I quite liked how the poem has parts where it almost rhythms, but not so blatantly as it affects the flow. I found the topic of trust to be a little inconsistent though.
"I know you trust my innocence,but now I need you to know I'm guilty"
"I need you to come with me,to put your trust in me again"
So the boyfriend/lover/accomplice trusted her at first, then didn't? and now she's requesting it again? Maybe I'm being a little dense, but had a little too much change for just three stanzas, in my opinion.
Hey. This is great. I really like the idea you created. It is like a crime story made into a poem. But I think it works well. I really like the middle section, and what you said about the guilt. I think it takes it deeper into what you are saying. All in all, great poem.
So, what is the woman that you really are? How is this showing them that? By running from a murder? Why didn't this person trust you anymore? Did you kill their brother?
Also, one thing you really need is some imagery, or something that let's use get a picture of what's happening over what you're telling us. It's better to show than it is to tell, and all you did here is tell.
I am going to pick a specific spot to use as an example =p.
The only part I can consider to be a show, is your second line, it provides the after image of an action and let's us see something.
Your first, third and fourth lines are tells more so than shows. Reason being is that we don't get anything out of it, we see hands, and then well, nothing. If you ran with more images or something, then maybe we'd see a person in a frantic/panicked state.
If you used more verbs of how things are happening, then we'd get a much better picture. Like instead of I can't handle it; you say likeee.... I'm screaming and running, cracking, I want out of this insanity. Or something, you know what I am getting at?
P.s. I am sorry for not being entirely clear. I hope I managed to get my thoughts across though.
Good luck, keep writing.
Silented1.