Published May 13, 2007
The delicate flower blowing in the breeze,
Filled with vibrance and busy bees
The soft white petals just rippling along
As the wind strums a soft, beautiful song
Until you reach this beautiful creation
You may feel sore with a small temptation,
To see this beautiful and sweet flower,
Having all along a mysterious power
So the next time you feel deep in sorrow,
Find a daisy to bring you a tomorrow.
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141,456 Literary Works • 674,473 Reviews
Isis is right. How some poems and stories should be original and not same
old same old. Like busy bee, heard that about one million times. Soft little
wind, been there done that. Even, soft delicate flower, um...Have I heard
this before? Yep. Isis has a really good point, maybe when your writing
another poem, you should think about it.
I liked this. But, I felt it missing something, something maybe for me to go,
wow, that was great!
And one other thing, this is called "Poem". Is that what it is supposed to be?
Maybe you could think up a title?
Happy Writings.
-- M.B.Author
^ going to agree. Punctuation is important in driving the flow of poetry, and having it make sense. You get more leeway than in prose, but a good guide is to start out punctuating as though punctuating sentences. That'll at least get the poem to make grammatical sense. Then, after some practice, punctuation can be played with. Also, having the same structure [comma, full stop. comma, full stop.] makes the stanzas seem very monotonous. Especially when you're working with rhyme or metre you want room for variation there.
When describing things, try and find adjectives to use -- or word combinations in general -- that aren't 'standard'. Are bees usually busy? yep. And how many times have people said the breeze was soft, or a song? (a heck of a lot!) In finding good words or good metaphors, the goal is usually to make something new that also make sense; instead of the thinking "seen this before" the reader will think "I never thought of it that way, but she's right, it really is like that".
You have a pattern of ending the lines with a comma, then with a period for each two line stanza, which really ruins the grammatical structure of the poem, and hinders it from making sense. Specifically here:
The last stanza is set up as its own sentence, but doesn't really make sense as just a sentence? yet both stanzas would go together as a good sentence, so obviously the pattern should be broken. You might want to look at this article for a little help: Poetry & Punctuation.
I liked the imagery of the flowers at the beginning, but otherwise it didn't catch me. I think nature poetry just isn't for me.