Young Writers Society

Well, the end made me do a little "Huh?" sorta thing. And I'm not sure I entirely get it. I'll believe the point was perfectly clear and this is a moment of complete stupidity on my part, I mean, I understand the art of contradictory statements... but...

Well, correct me if I'm wrong, but this seems to me to represent a sort of cockiness in our generation, which is in all the prior generations. The end looks like it was suppose to be a realization that we're no different, but... that didn't come off to well.

The second stanza doesn't seem to relate, except in a really broad sort of way, too broad in my opinion. IDK, overall it was ok. Just needs some work.

Thank you for the critics everyone. I'll try to cut down on all the junk I have in there. That's one of my major problems. The hymnal thing, however, was conscious and the way I wanted to write this poem.

I would say I liked it but it made me feel like I was in church...

This poem made my day. I really liked it. It got a little wordy near the middle. Like your fellow reviewers said: 'it's a bit muddy'. But the whole idea of this poem is great. It seems like a song [and it's probably going to be stuck in my head forever]. Anyway, sorry for the short review. I'm not good at reviewing poems.

Great job,
Nariel

I agree with Phoebe - this poem is cluttered, and that detracts from its effectiveness. I sort of like the mock hymnal style, but reading it with a mental choir made it a bit difficult to process LMAO. Plus, I kind of felt that it switched tracks too often to make sense. The whole "this is how we are/but not really" thing was muddied and unclear.

Basically, keep the gold, chuck the dross. A lot of your repetition is unnecessary and many of your images are negated soon afterwards, which leaves the reader wondering why they're included in the first place. I suggest you focus more on your message of a "new generation/who shove down the stairs" and less on the attempted sarcasm; it doesn't work very well.

Cheers,
~bubbles

I can't say I particularly liked this, order; it has something of the feel of a hymn to me, and while the music may be moving to some, the poetry of the hymnal (at least the modern hymnal, which is the one I allude to) is certainly lacking inspiration.

Point One -- This poem is bogged down by words. Why so many? The strength of a poet lies in saying something completely with the fewest possible words. Look for le bon mot, not just a word that conveys what you want and may (or may not) also fit the rhythm and structure. That does you no favors.

Point Two -- Your punctuation is muddy. There is no joy in commas. There is, however, joy in exclamation points! There can even be joy in periods, if used rightly. Shorter lines and briefer language might help with this, as well.