Published October 11, 2011
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140,944 Literary Works • 673,774 Reviews
Thanks for the review!
It may seem a little confusing, but I've written a lot more of the story and it becomes first person, it's about the girl herself and it's not at all how the story begins. I'll post more when I can to give you an example!
Hello there!
First off, I'd like to say that you have the potential for a great story here. Characters must be highly motivated in order to make the book interesting, and I think that the situation you've described in this part of your story would definitely produce some motivation. If the plot stays strong like this first part throughout the entire story, it should prove to be an interesting read.
That being said, I'm not exactly sure I like how you told the story. Although I understood what was happening to your character, I didn't feel drawn into this story. I think this stems from the story needing more detail.
This paragraph is a good example. All you do in this paragraph is describe what the gunman did without telling me much else. Instead of just understanding what the character did, I want to know what emotions his actions provoked. I want to know more about how the little girl felt. In other words, you need to make me care about and identify with the characters.
So, my advice to you is to go back over this piece and think about what you're writing and how it will affect me, the reader. Don't just tell the story's skeleton. Elaborate! Although I already like the beginning of your story, I would adore it if it were changed just a little in the right ways.
Always keep writing!
-Rose
Hi I'm here to review this well done piece of writing
First off I think you are a wonderful writer! Well done writing this! The beginning was a little hard for me to understand as I didn't know the setting.
Alright so here we go!
Mistakes
Didn't really see any as far as grammar is concerned!
Nice Job!!
Descriptions
I think in some parts of the story such as the beginning you could have added a little bit more describing since we only knew a gunman was pointing the gun at them. I wasn't really sure where the story was taking place till what looks like the third paragraph. Also at the end I'm not sure who got shot? Was it the dad or the mom? I might be the only person who probably won't figure out who got shot...
Character Descriptions
As far as describing your character and how she feels I think you did an overall good Job with it!!
Plot
As of right now, I am not sure where the plot with this story is going but I am really looking forward to the next story you write about this. I know right now that this is the Prologue.
All in all I think you did a really good job! I was completely into the story from the beginning.
Please tell me on my profile wall when the next one is out!!
Your friend R.W