Teardrops in the Rain

by ongoeslife

  • Lyrics

Published June 27, 2011

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Spoiler! :
Hey, readers! This is my first song, and, like most, was inspired by happenings in my life currently. If anyone has any advice, it would be appreciated! Comments are also warmly welcome :)


Verse 1
Some people say "You stand so strong"
In my head, I think, "You're so wrong"
They say they never see me cry,
But I'm about to tell you why


Chorus
Because out in the rain,
You can't see my pain
Through the rain on my face,
You can't see the tears that race

And when I start to dance,
It's just another chance
That you'll never see me fail,
even though I wanna wail


Verse 2
And though I say, "You're stronger than me",
You just laugh and say "oh, please!"
When I look you in the eye,
You fight back a smile and sigh


Chorus
Because out in the rain,
You can't see my pain
Through the rain on my face,
You can't see the tears that race

And when I start to dance,
It's just another chance
That you'll never see me fail,
Even though I wanna wail


Bridge/Ending
So if it starts to rain,
And you feel you've taken too much pain,
Just paste on a smile
And dance away your hurts for a while


(Repeat 1st part of chorus)

Comments & reviews · 7
User avatar
ongoeslife
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ongoeslife commented Comment · Jul 8, 2011

I'm not sure exactly. Lyrics are a bit different than poems. But if this WERE a poem, I'd say dramatic. Thanks for the review! ^_^

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werewolfgirl Comment
werewolfgirl commented Comment · Jul 7, 2011

awesome totally relate to it, I love the feel of it all, the only thing is that one of the verses was a little of rhythm/rhyme it didn't quite match with the first verse, but other than that I loved it. What genre is it? country? lyrical?

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ongoeslife
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ongoeslife commented Comment · Jun 28, 2011

Thanks for the review, Belarus! :D Would you mind pointing out the places you noticed it the most? See, when I write, I just... Write. I don't really try to make it rhyme, I don't try to use similes and metaphors and whatnot. At least, not consciously. It's weird. o.O My mind is a very scary place.... Back to topic!! It may seem that way because you are just reading it, or it may really need fixing! Maybe you should try imagining it fit to a tune, and see if that helps. Until Mikkiestash comes through for me, (XD) I can't really help in that way.

Thanks once again!!

~The Scratt

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BelarusBirdy
Review
BelarusBirdy wrote a review Review · Jun 28, 2011

In a few places, it seems like the rhyme scheme is sort of holding you back. It was cutting into the meaning of the song, and I don't think that's what you were aiming for.
I see you've added slant-rhymes in it. That makes it better. If they weren't there, I think it would be almost like something by Dr. Seuss.
Sorry if I'm being a bit harsh. I really like your idea. I love rain, personally. I've got my share of stories about rain, though I haven't posted any of them,.
Well, back to your song. I think it will be better with music, but I love the idea.
Keep Writing,
Bel

User avatar
ongoeslife
Comment
ongoeslife commented Comment · Jun 27, 2011

Mikkiestash wrote:I really like this song :) Do you have any kind of music written to it? When I read this I really observed rhythm in your words and thats really important when it comes to writing. I think you should get some music put on it :) Or at least your vocals. I really like this work :)


Thank you!! :D But, I must say... I SERIOUSLY doubt you would like MY vocals on this song! :P I just... no, just.. no. I've been told to shut up when I started singing >_< But hey; if you know anyone (or maybe yourself) that DOES have the talent I lack in that area- or instrumentals, or both- feel free to commence! As long as you show it to me ^_^ See, I have a copyright law attatched to my work. This means that you have the right to copy XD

Thanks again for the review!

forsakinshadow wrote:Hello there! First of all, this is amazing! I couldn't think of a better way to say it myself. Second, this brought tears to my eyes! Yes, real tears! And I don't think it can get any better than that, when it brings out the emotions in the person reading/listening to it. Great job and keep up the good work. If you need anything else reviewed, shoot me a PM and I'll be more than happy to take a look at it!

--Tabby


Thank you, too!! ^_^ Are you serious!? :O Never in a million years would I have expected that! Thank you! ^_^ I most certainly will!

~The Scratt

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ForsakenAngel
Review
ForsakenAngel wrote a review Review · Jun 27, 2011

Hello there! First of all, this is amazing! I couldn't think of a better way to say it myself. Second, this brought tears to my eyes! Yes, real tears! And I don't think it can get any better than that, when it brings out the emotions in the person reading/listening to it. Great job and keep up the good work. If you need anything else reviewed, shoot me a PM and I'll be more than happy to take a look at it!

--Tabby

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Mikkiestash
Review
Mikkiestash wrote a review Review · Jun 27, 2011

I really like this song :) Do you have any kind of music written to it? When I read this I really observed rhythm in your words and thats really important when it comes to writing. I think you should get some music put on it :) Or at least your vocals. I really like this work :)



The poetry of the earth is never dead.
— John Keats