Yarg matey. Forget what I said...feel free to bash. 
I guess that is why I'm here...oh well.
___________________
Normally…
I think about waves pushing and pulling,
The horizon decked with jagged diamonds
And quietly puffing clouds,
And the sun and moon, so rarely conjoining,
So often flying solo.
I hear rustling trees and whistling wind,
Twittering birds nestled above,
Rumbling thunder far distant yet,
And usually the solemn silence of solitary contemplation,
With only a slow beat for company.
But now…
I hear the steady breath beside me,
A model of what I wish mine could be.
I think about stars,
Or rather the jealousy they have
For those deep, darkly shining pools of yours.
Aloud…
Do you ever think about the stars?
Oh. Me neither.
i know you said no corrections, but i can't help myself. you said "breathe" instead of "breath". one is a noun form, one is a verb form. sorry... but you need to accept constructive criticism in order to improve yourself. that's the goal, ya know?
anyway, i'm having a little trouble figuring out what the idea is behind the poem. you have some pretty good descriptive words in here though.
oneeyedunicornhunter wrote:but please, no advice on how to improve it or anything to change...I'm sure you understand.
Hey oneeyedunicornhunter,
First off, well done. The imagery was great. There were a few parts I really liked, such as:
I think about waves pushing and pulling,
The horizon decked with jagged diamonds
And the sun and moon, so rarely conjoining,
So often flying solo.
Anyway, the overall rythym was good, as well as the wording.
Hi! I'm Music.
No corrections or advice? Okay. *zips lips*
Overall, I really quite enjoyed this poem! I thought it flowed nicely. The ending stanza captured how awkward deep conversation can be aloud. The first and second stanzas were wonderfully descriptive.
And... That's all I have in my feedback critique. Keep up the good work!
Love,
Music.
120,614 Literary Works • 651,083 Reviews
Points: 890
Reviews: 12
Donate