“Ariché,” the boy whispered, “Then what happened?”
The woman, Ariché, only shook her head.
“You know the rest, Rahui.”
Rahui leaned his head back against Ariché’s chest, staring up at the ceiling of the damp cavern they were holed up in. There was nothing but the sound of their gentle breathing and water dripping from the cave walls. It was cold, but snuggled up in Ariché’s lap, he felt warm. She was like the mother he had never had, and he was very grateful for her presence.
He opened his mouth to voice this thought when Ariché interrupted.
“We have a lot of traveling to do tomorrow,” she said, “We must get some rest.”
Rahui stubbornly folded his arms over his chest, making a loud ‘hmph!’ and tilting his head down. Ariché chuckled, placing another kiss atop his head. Though incredibly brilliant, beyond the likes of anything Ariché had ever known, Rahui wasn’t quite as mature as the average adult. Not yet, at least.
“Can you tell me one more story?” Rahui whined.
Ariché paused, racking through her head to think of a story that Rahui wouldn’t already know.
“Yes Rahui,” she said, slowly lifting the boy from her lap, “But let us go outside for this story.”
The two stood up, Rahui taking Ariché’s hand as she led him to the mouth of the cave. Outside, the night air was warm, a gentle breeze rustling the leaves of nearby trees. Above, the skies were clear, nothing above but the stars, right before their eyes. The moon lit up the nighttime, giving an eerie glow to the rolling plains surrounding them. Rahui looked at the stars, and then looked up expectantly at Ariché.
Ariché took a moment to stare at the stars, and then pointed at the night sky above their heads.
“My grandfather is up there, as is my grandmother and all of my other ancestors. Everyone’s ancestors are up above us, lighting up the nighttime sky. Every warrior fallen in battle, every child lost in birth, every elder lost with time; all of them are up there. Each star is another soul, another one of our people, watching over us in the night and lighting up the world when all is dark.”
Rahui looked back up at the stars, a look of deep thought upon his face. And then he nodded, tugging lightly on Ariché’s hand.
“We should sleep,” he said.
Ariché’s eyes lingered on the stars for a few more moments before they fell on Rahui, nodding her head gently at him.
“Yes,” she murmured, “We need rest.”
Ariché led Rahui back into the cavern to a little spot covered in straw they had gathered earlier. She lay down on her side on their makeshift bed, motioning for Rahui to curl up beside her. He did, his back pressed against her stomach, and with one last warm gesture Ariché wrapped her arm around Rahui’s waist and pulled him in tight. Curled up like that, in a bed of straw, keeping each other warm, the two fell quickly asleep.
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139,404 Literary Works • 672,552 Reviews
I am still a fan of this story, and I still think that it has a lot of potential in it, but this chapter had me just a little bit confused. In the first part, I was under the impression that the boy, Rahui, was a child. The part where you've written "Rahui wasn't quite as mature as the average adult." makes me wonder if he's older than I had originally assumed. I don't think that you need to give him a definite age, but I do think that an age range should be just a little more defined.
That being said, I'm very intrigued by this character. I think that this is a really interesting take on the standard alien story, and I want to know what this boy knows and how he knows it. I am so excited to see what you come up with next and I encourage you to keep writing.
Hi again omuii! I'm excited to review your second chapter so soon.
You have maintained the whimsical feeling of your story from the first chapter, which is great. I'm quite pleased that we're now getting to know Ariché and Rahui better, although I do feel that this second chapter is less exciting than the first in the way that it is very much similar. Perhaps this is because both the first and second instalments are so short, so you're not giving yourself enough space to fully develop things. Either way, I still enjoyed this.
Enjoyable as it was, I don't know if it is necessarily a valuable chapter, in terms of a plot. There is a part of me that feels like this is almost a filler, as if you're biding your time before getting to the meat of the story. Of course, there is nothing technically wrong with this, but it is probably not a good idea to stall on the plot when you're only two very short chapters into the story. Ariché's second story about the stars is not really a story, but more of a moralizing piece of hope for Rahui to potentially use in the future when he is faced with some sort of impossible task. It is also very cliche. The whole ancestors-in-the-stars narrative is something that is definitely not new in fiction and, considering your creativity and unique story, I honestly would expect a little more from Ariché. Naturally, you probably have some other ideas up your sleeve, but I encourage you to expand outwards and really, really get some meat on the bones of this story. Currently, I remain unconvinced that this short piece of worthy of being a stand-alone chapter. It might do fine as part of chapter, but it is not strong enough to be a chapter on its own.
The other thing that contributes to the feeling of relative insignificance is the fact that after Rahui begs Ariché to tell another tale and after she tells it, Rahui's immediate response is, "Let's go to sleep." There is not even the tiniest acknowledgment of what his "adoptive" mother has just shared with him. Because this is lacking, the reader also fails to acknowledge the potential importance of the tale, cliche as it may be, and this further contributes to the idea that this chapter cannot carry itself through. I would like you to consider the following questions: What makes this chapter significant to the rest of your story? How and why?
Some nitpicks:
The traditional expression goes along the lines of, "racking one's brain". I think the faulty expression is what made this sentence seem a little strange. I suggest: "...racking her brain for a story that..."
The repetition of "above" seems a bit odd.
You're using a lot of the same words throughout this chapter: "looked", "above", "up", etc. Variety is the spice of life so try to diversify your word choices. For example, this sentence might be more successful if it went something like: "Rahui looked at the stars, and then turned his gaze expectantly towards Ariché." Just a thought.
Overall, you're a great writer and I enjoy your process of characterization. I'm concerned that you're not moving forward with your plot and are instead getting caught up in pretty scenes with pretty empty meanings, but this could also be because the chapters are so short and you're not writing enough to convince the reader otherwise. Be careful of repeating the same words too many times. Good work, though, and let me know when the third chapter is up!
Thanks for the lovely read.
Best,
Lav
Thank you so much for all the tips!