Hi there omuii!
First of all, welcome to YWS! I hope you'll like it around here.
I loved this. It wasn't love at first sight, certainly, because I'm a bit wary of things that seem like science-fiction (not my favourite) but I enjoyed the whimsicality and delicateness of your narration. Somehow, in such a short chapter, you've managed to hook you audience efficiently and with a sturdy grasp. Kudos to you!
However, because this is so short and doesn't necessarily introduce much aside from a vague outline of a plot and two nameless characters, it doesn't exactly have the feeling of a first chapter. It seems more like a prologue to me. If you expanded this a bit more, fleshed out your ideas a little bit, it might be more chapter-like and less prologue-y. In fact, I do encourage you to do this because right now it is terribly short and I would be keen to read a bit from this woman. I do think you were wise not to focus too much on the child because it is evident that they're probably going to be the protagonist, if not a focal character, in later instalments, but again there needs to be a bit more flesh for the readers. You've hooked us, but you can't hook us for long if you only provide a measly bit of bait!
The idea of placing this in dialogue (which was superbly formatted) is unique and I enjoyed it. Just be careful not to become too expository. In fact, because the dialogue allows the reader to be "hearing" directly from the speaker, you have almost even more opportunity to freely express the emotions of the character. Try and balance some more emotional and confessional aspects with the already well-developed expository writing you have set up here.
A few nitpicks:
My mother noticed it first; a little black spot covered the sun.
Technically, the semi-colon is used correctly but the clauses are so different from each other that this sentence doesn't really work. I suggest revising so the sentence isn't so clunky and separated, idea-wise.
releasing strange breezes of air
A breeze is air, so this feels a little redundant.
The woman stopped to take a breath, her gentle voice trailing off. She gently stroked the head of the child that sat in her lap, placing a kiss on his fair skin.
You use "gentle" twice very close to each other. Perhaps consider revising some vocabulary choices.
Overall, I genuinely enjoyed this and I would love to read more. I disagree with the first reviewer on the topic of specifying the setting – I think it is quite obvious that we are in some sort of fantasy universe, be it a parallel universe or something else entirely. We'll figure that out in time. Otherwise, this is a great piece with potential. Let me know when you post the next part!
Best,
Lav
Points: 18486
Reviews: 522
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