z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Starchild - Chapter One

by omuii


“You came to me during the transit of the fiery planet.

“Before meeting you, I did not know what a planet was. I did not know such a word existed. All I knew about the heavens above was that little bright lights danced in the sky come nighttime. The night sky is very beautiful.

“I was living with my family when you came to me. Life was good then. We had a home; we had fields of maize that proved plentiful each harvest.

“On the day you came to me, the sun had looked very strange. It was the time of the harvest, and I was out in the fields tending to the crops alongside my family. The sun was beating down on us, creating sweat and exhaustion. But the sun looked different that day. My mother noticed it first; a little black spot covered the sun.

“We were terrified of what this could’ve been. We did not know why the sun had this spot. This was long before you told me of a fiery planet neighboring our own. But my father told us the heat was making us weary and tired, and that our eyes were playing silly tricks on us. Nothing else happened during these daylight hours. We tended the crops, we ate our meals, and eventually, we slept.

“The night was peaceful and quiet, my family and I lay sleeping in our humble home. Everything was still, everyone was resting. But in the middle of the night, I heard a noise. I did not have words to describe this noise until you told me about it. It was the noise of the ship that sails the heavens, a ship that docked for a time in the center of our crop field.

“Oddly, I was the only one who heard this noise. I sat straight up, eyes searching the darkness for something, anything. Then, the darkness disappeared. A bright light from outside lit up the entire home, every little crack and crevice, every little detail on my family’s slumbering faces. Fearing that a fire was raging over our crops, I thoughtlessly ran out of the home, barefoot as I stood beyond our hearth.

“A ball of heavenly light rested among our crops, releasing strange breezes of air that made the corn wave like an ocean. I had never seen anything like this, and I knew that no fire could create such a light.

“As suddenly as this light appeared, it left. A force of will I cannot describe made me wade through the towering corn stalks until I reached where the light had landed. In its wake, it had left a massive circle of crushed crops. My father was very distraught over this loss of healthy maize, later on.

“It was dark, but a large moon above our heads gifted me with nighttime sight. A gentle whimpering came from you, almost like you were a normal baby. Among the crushed crops, you laid on your back, a small infant with no clothing and no hair. Your eyes were open, and even in the nighttime I could see that you were different.

“As I stood there in a daze, your whimpering turned into crying, your voice sounding unlike anything I’d ever heard before. You still have that voice, little one. You sound like music when you speak.

“I hurried forward and picked you up, holding this new life in my hands. You stopped crying at my touch, and your beautiful, otherworldly eyes gazed into mine. You smiled up at me.”

The woman stopped to take a breath, her gentle voice trailing off. She gently stroked the head of the child that sat in her lap, placing a kiss on his fair skin.

“And that, my child,” she murmured, “Is how you came to me.”


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Mon Feb 15, 2016 10:18 pm
Lavvie wrote a review...



Hi there omuii!

First of all, welcome to YWS! I hope you'll like it around here. :)

I loved this. It wasn't love at first sight, certainly, because I'm a bit wary of things that seem like science-fiction (not my favourite) but I enjoyed the whimsicality and delicateness of your narration. Somehow, in such a short chapter, you've managed to hook you audience efficiently and with a sturdy grasp. Kudos to you!

However, because this is so short and doesn't necessarily introduce much aside from a vague outline of a plot and two nameless characters, it doesn't exactly have the feeling of a first chapter. It seems more like a prologue to me. If you expanded this a bit more, fleshed out your ideas a little bit, it might be more chapter-like and less prologue-y. In fact, I do encourage you to do this because right now it is terribly short and I would be keen to read a bit from this woman. I do think you were wise not to focus too much on the child because it is evident that they're probably going to be the protagonist, if not a focal character, in later instalments, but again there needs to be a bit more flesh for the readers. You've hooked us, but you can't hook us for long if you only provide a measly bit of bait! ;)

The idea of placing this in dialogue (which was superbly formatted) is unique and I enjoyed it. Just be careful not to become too expository. In fact, because the dialogue allows the reader to be "hearing" directly from the speaker, you have almost even more opportunity to freely express the emotions of the character. Try and balance some more emotional and confessional aspects with the already well-developed expository writing you have set up here.

A few nitpicks:

My mother noticed it first; a little black spot covered the sun.


Technically, the semi-colon is used correctly but the clauses are so different from each other that this sentence doesn't really work. I suggest revising so the sentence isn't so clunky and separated, idea-wise.

releasing strange breezes of air


A breeze is air, so this feels a little redundant.

The woman stopped to take a breath, her gentle voice trailing off. She gently stroked the head of the child that sat in her lap, placing a kiss on his fair skin.


You use "gentle" twice very close to each other. Perhaps consider revising some vocabulary choices.

Overall, I genuinely enjoyed this and I would love to read more. I disagree with the first reviewer on the topic of specifying the setting – I think it is quite obvious that we are in some sort of fantasy universe, be it a parallel universe or something else entirely. We'll figure that out in time. Otherwise, this is a great piece with potential. Let me know when you post the next part!

Best,
Lav




omuii says...


Thank you so, so much for the review! I just uploaded chapter two. Thank you again for the review, and I appreciate all of your feedback! As this is just the rough draft of the story that I'm posting, I plan on making a ton of improvements, and I'm very thankful for your review.



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Mon Feb 15, 2016 7:15 pm
NympheaLily wrote a review...



I think this story has great potential, but some things confused me a bit.

Is this story on Earth or a different planet. You didn't really make that very clear. I'm assuming, from the mention of maize, that it is on earth, however it wasn't very clear. When you say this; "I was living with my family when you came to me. Life was good then. We had a home; we had fields of maize that proved plentiful each harvest." it indicates that the character speaking is a child living with her mother. However at the end you say that the person speaking is a full grown woman. Now, why is a woman living with her family? IF you don't mind, would you specify that a bit?

I think that is all I have for now but keep me posted if you publish any more. I want to see where the child came from and who the woman is. Oh, also one more question; WHY DID YOU END IT ON A CLIFF HANGER???? Ok I am being a tad hypocritical because I use them all the time, but still!

Please let me know if you have any more chapters coming out because I'd love to read them. You can shoot me a message or post it on my wall.

Keep writing!! Ciao,
~NympheaLily




omuii says...


In later chapters, I'll get more detailed into the story. This is just the very rough draft, but I plan on making lots of improvements! I just uploaded chapter two! Also, thank you!! :D



NympheaLily says...


No problem and thank you for the update



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Mon Feb 15, 2016 6:19 pm
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plantedheart wrote a review...



Hello! (I am new to YWS so my review may be a little bland and unhelpful.. Sorry!)

First off, I really loved the theme and idea, it seemed very original in my opinion. Your word choice was very well and I really could imagine the feeling underneath the sun. The only thing that interferes with the flow of the writing are the quotations at the beginning of every paragraph. Maybe put some transitions in and some reactions between the two characters?

Overall, This is a really great piece but make sure to read a few times to get that perfect flow. I also really enjoyed the last line, it gave me chills!

Keep contributing to the writers world! :D




omuii says...


Thank you!! :D



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Mon Feb 15, 2016 6:14 pm
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moonpolice wrote a review...



This took my breath away. I'm honestly so excited for any future chapters. This was a really good twist on a story about aliens (which I am always a fan of. I want to know more about this "fiery planet", which I assume you'll describe in future chapters.
Overall, I think this is really well written. I don't really have any negative things to say. I just encourage you to keep writing and to keep developing this story.




omuii says...


Ahh, thank you so much!!




I communicate much better on paper than I do when I open my mouth.
— Aaron Sorkin