I note the lacking of your love
Pulls tautly at the seams of mine,
Unraveling my woven dream
Of something that I couldn't find.
Your wayward way of walking home,
Away from wailing women who
Fall loudly at your feet to kiss
And cry, is upturning my tomb.
Advances from the armies of
The lovers, friends, and kisses past
Parade around your eyes, and still
Those clouded orbs do fall downcast.
My fraying, fringed feelings show:
Indifference is a fickle friend.
Collect your thoughts and give them here
(You know I live to condescend).
So paint my i's and cry my t's
(The writtern word is harsh I know).
Now live forever in the dark,
I'll patch you up; I live to sew.
I note the lacking of your love
Pulls tautly at the seams of mine.
But I remain your seamstress, dear
A witness to your selfish mind.
(I hope to leave them all behind
And be the one you seek to find)
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,005 Literary Works • 672,805 Reviews
Hello!
I read the poem, and I truly loved it. I can't find the words to describe it, but I really did love it. Let's see what I can do to assist you...
Italicized: Oh em gee, amazing use of alliteration! Twice! I want to hug you, 'cause it's amazing! *hugs*
Underlined: This part confused me, but it could just be me.
Italicized: Once again, excellent alliteration!
Underlined: I'm thinking of replacing that comma with an and. I'm hoping that will help the rhythm, but it's up to you.
The written word.. Are you talking about the previous line about i's and t's? If so, then word is should be plural, or words are.
Commas aren't used to separate independent clauses if there is no conjunction.
Excellent repetition here and tieback to the first stanza! Lovely!
Very nice metaphor! And it enhances the line about being 'patched up' said previously. Very good job!
Leave what behind again? When I read it, I was thinking you'd leave those fraying feelings, but I'm still not quite sure. Of course, this is added mystery to the poem, so no worries.
That's all I have. I really did like it. Bravo! Keep writing!
Jabber, the One and Only!
Thanks for the comments!
yoyo- I fixed the type-o I had in there, its supposed to be a play on "dot my i's and cross my t's" with i's being like eyes and t's being like tears. The t part is a stretch I know....still, it's what I have so far.
Wow...I liked this so much I read it a few times. The repetition of
"I note the lacking of your love
Pulls tautly at the seams of mine"
is great.
this was grrreatttt (lol) i liked it good work
Ooooh! This was cool! Good meter and rhyming throughout. And I really live the parts in parenthases. I looove the last two stanzas and the couplet ending. The only thing I don't get is what "t's" are in the first line, fifth stanza. Anyways, great poem! Keep it up!
~Yoyo