Published February 18, 2008
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VUt26o1E ... re=related
^Not my chorus, but we are singing the same song, and it was my inspiration for the poem. I'm still not happy with it, so anything I could fix would be greatly appreciated!
A chorus of singers
Raptured and gentle.
The rhythm conducting their movement:
An electric pulse compels.
All that hath life and breath
Praise ye the Lord
Eyes shine with triumph
As every mouth is wide;
They can't help but smile.
Shout to the Lord Allelujah
All bodies are held together
By a feeling, a statement.
Exuberant, they share one soul:
One emotion held aloft by many lungs.
Their separate pasts are lost: forgotten in the glory.
They radiate "allelujah" in every sound.
They stand united,
And nothing else matters.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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A chorus of singers
Raptured and gentle. (Raptured....this seems unusual with the definition of the word)
The rhythm conducting their movement:
An electric pulse compels.
All that hath life and breath
Praise ye the Lord
Eyes shine with triumph
As every mouth is wide; (As every mouth is wide....slightly unusual, could be fixed up)
They can't help but smile.
Shout to the Lord Allelujah ( Lord! Hallelujah?)
All bodies are held together
By a feeling, a statement.
Exuberant, they share one soul:
One emotion held aloft by many lungs.
Their separate pasts are lost: forgotten in the glory.
They radiate "allelujah" in every sound. ( Again... Hallelujah?)
They stand united,
And nothing else matters.
Very good, nothing too much to comment about or fix, everything has basically been said. The whole Allelujah thing seems to be a spelling error of the proper Hallelujah. Though the one pointed out sentence still strikes me as odd, but I'll leave that to your eyes.
I found this to be a very strong piece. It flowed well and it was easy to understand what was happening in your poem. The only thing I advise you to do is maybe put your italic words in quotations as well, just to make it more clear that it is from a song (at least, I think those are from a song you are refering to) Otherwise, if they aren't, I think you should leave it as it is.
So, this was a mediocre poem. Mediocre use of language, interesting concept.
For you, I'll take one stanza and completely change so you'll see what you can do to make your poem better:
Eyes shine with triumph (SHOW NOT TELL!)
As every mouth is wide; (YOU CAN USE BETTER LANGUAGE THAN THIS!)
They can't help but smile. (THIS EXPLANATION WAS COMPLETELY UNNECESSARY, and AGAIN, SHOW NOT TELL!)
--> --> --> --> --> -->
Eyes shine like morning glory
As every tongue rolls out
And smiles slide like air.
<-- <-- <-- <-- <-- <--
I used:
2 similies
3 images
1 assonance (like, eyes, shine, smiles, slides)
Employ more into your poem, and it will sharpen!
Thanks for the feedback! I cleaned it up a bit, and changed the ending...any more comments?
Cade: Isn't Juno the best movie??
It seems to be more of a fragmenty summary of an event than anything else. What do you want the poem to say, other than "here is my description of a concert"? It seems you have this idea of people being brought together by song, but it's not very strong. You want to be subtle with it, too, not shout it out at the end like "fifty strangers united, yay!"
I really like the way you incorporated the song lyrics into the poem. I'd take them out of parentheses and perhaps italicize them. The parentheses seem too informal and they interrupt the flow.
Also, punctuation/writing in complete sentences would make me very happy.
And that's about it, except that I like your Juno avvie!
Okay, in the above are some points and I've altered your format slightly.
I think it works better in parts, stanzas rather then in one larger gorup. one important thing: You need some punctuation here! I had to read read several parts more than once to understand what was said, because of the lack of punctuation. We need a guideline of where your sentences end, or continue. It will help the over all poem.
I liked this... it was nice. ^^ Nice work.
*Hearts* Le Penguin.
I really like your strong imagery and picture that you draw- however, I would take out the items in the ( ) it distracts from the overall picture. And I really like the line One emotion held aloft by many lungs, thats quite good
If you take out the ( ) I think it reads a lot smoother, and the imagery will become clearer. Great job!
A chorus of singers
Raptured and gentle
The rhythm conducting their movement
An electric pulse compels
(All that hath life and breath
Praise ye the Lord)
Eyes shine with triumph
As every mouth is wide
They can't help but smile
(Shout to the Lord Allelujah)
All bodies are held together
By a feeling, a statement
Exuberant, they share one soul
One emotion held aloft by many lungs <this I'm REALLY not sure about...
In those three minutes, 50 strangers unite in song