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Part 1: Monte Escuro

by omer


Hey! I'm not sure what is this. A monologue in a play, an opening of a book, a mysterious short story, or anything else. But, I kind of like it! There is a real lack of information because it's just the first part my brain has spawned, but I would like to get some critique to use for the following chapters.

I was born on the dark hill. Monte Escuro.

Under the darkness, which was under the light. Or, under the darkness, which was under the darkness; it depends on what time it was.

It was seven-thirty in the evening. Or deep in the night, depending on when you usually go to bed.

But I still don't know about the darkness and the light layers issue, because I don't know what time of day the sun sets in Sao Miguel usually.

Usually the sun sets at seven-thirty in the evening, in Sao Miguel. So I was born when there was a sunset. How romantic.

But it wasn't romantic, because the mother was probably screaming a lot, and there must have been a lot of blood, and we would not have been in love either because otherwise it would have been an incest.

She was blonde. And quite thin. Yes, thin. Her teeth were untidy. She was not wearing pretty clothes. Not like me.

When I was born I didn't wear any clothes at all, except for my skin, which is not a garment, but sometimes clothes are made of poor animal's skin, which is leather, so it's similar.

She had a big brown backpack. A huge one, like in the army, but smaller, even though it was big. And she also had a walking cane. Not like Yaron's Grandfather's, like mine... but smoother and not made of wood.

My cane is perfect. I found it on a trip to the desert a year ago. It was under a tree, which must have been its father. It's thick and strong, and once it broke when Yaron played with it, but then I glued it back with several types of glue (masking tape and liquid glue and hot glue-gun and three seconds glue that took seven) and it was in one again. I take him to places, but it's not childishly like the cane is my teddy-bear, it's in a way that threatens others not to do bad things to me, because, you know, I have a perfect cane.


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106 Reviews


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Sat Oct 10, 2020 3:20 pm
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Valkyria wrote a review...



Hello omer,

The first thing I have to say is your writing style is so distinct. It feels like something written a century earlier. And the tone feels satirical because there were a lot of places where I laughed. I've always loved writing like this!

The lack of information that you said in the beginning definitely plays into the mystery element.

I have noticed some things that need fixing, so let's go through them!

I was born on the dark hill. Monte Escuro.


Replace the period with a colon. The colon introduces the name of the hill, which is Monte Escuro.

Or, under the darkness, which was under the darkness; it depends on what time it was.


Delete the comma after "Or." There doesn't need to be a comma there. The next paragraph doesn't have a comma after "Or," so make sure to double-check.

Usually the sun sets at seven-thirty in the evening, in Sao Miguel. So I was born when there was a sunset. How romantic.


Delete the bold part. You already established the setting was in Sao Miguel, so you don't need to repeat it.

But it wasn't romantic, because the mother was probably screaming a lot, and there must have been a lot of blood, and we would not have been in love either because otherwise it would have been an incest.


Very tiny nitpicks. Include a comma after "otherwise" and delete "an." Other than that, I found that sentence super funny!

BlackThorne made some really good tips in their review, so I won't bore you with them.

Overall, this was a really intriguing chapter!
Val




omer says...


Thank you so much for the review, Val!
I'm really glad you liked the writing style, and I took all of your helpful notes. :)



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46 Reviews


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Fri Oct 09, 2020 5:25 pm
BlackThorne wrote a review...



Grammar
1.

My cane is perfect. I found it on a trip to the desert a year ago. It was under a tree, which must have been its father. It's thick and strong, and once it broke when Yaron played with it, but then I glued it back with several types of glue (masking tape and liquid glue and hot glue-gun and three seconds glue that took seven) and it was in one again. I take him to places

are the pronouns for the cane "he" or "it"?

Word Choice and Flow
1.
But I still don't know about the darkness and the light layers issue, because I don't know what time of day the sun sets in Sao Miguel usually.

I think moving (or removing) "usually" and using instead "issue of" would sound better:
But I still don't know about issue of the darkness and the light, because I don't know what time of day the sun sets in Sao Miguel.


2.
So I was born when there was a sunset. How romantic.

I think "during" would sound better than "when there was"

3.
When I was born I didn't wear any clothes at all, except for my skin, which is not a garment, but sometimes clothes are made of poor animal's skin, which is leather, so it's similar.

reversing the order of "leather" and "animal's skin" flows more logically, and also splitting the sentence would make it easier to digest:
When I was born I didn't wear any clothes at all, except for my skin. It isn't a garment, but sometimes clothes are leather, which is animal's skin.


4.
I glued it back with several types of glue (masking tape and liquid glue and hot glue-gun and three seconds glue that took seven) and it was in one again.

I think taking out the parentheses would make it flow better:
I repaired it with masking tape and several types of glue, liquid glue and hot glue-gun glue and three seconds glue that took seven, and it was one again.


5.
I take him to places, but it's not childishly like the cane is my teddy-bear, it's in a way that threatens others not to do bad things to me, because, you know, I have a perfect cane.

"it's"and "you know" could be removed for more conciseness:
I take him to places, but not childishly, like the cane is my teddy-bear, but in a way that threatens others not to do bad things to me, because I have the perfect cane.


Format
1.
Not like Yaron's Grandfather's, like mine... but smoother and not made of wood.

a comma makes more sense than ellipses here

Other
1.
But I still don't know about the darkness and the light layers issue, because I don't know what time of day the sun sets in Sao Miguel usually.

Usually the sun sets at seven-thirty in the evening, in Sao Miguel.

the narrator just said they didn't know when the sun set. how did that change?

2.
How romantic.

But it wasn't romantic, because the mother was probably screaming a lot, and there must have been a lot of blood, and we would not have been in love either because otherwise it would have been an incest.

I was confused by the "and we would not have been in love either because otherwise it would have been an incest" line for a second because it seemed random, but then I realized you interpreted your use of the word "romantic" as in romantic love--removing that part and meaning "romantic" as like, beautiful, would be much less awkward




omer says...


Thank you for the review!
Got all of your notes. About the fact that the narrator said he didn't know when the sun set and then it changed - I like to think the narrator is making up some of the story. He wants to create an illusion of his past, his history, to make himself feel safer. So he might say something (to himself), and then regret it, or coming up with a better idea. :)



omer says...


or come up* ;)



BlackThorne says...


oooh, ok. interesting




*cries into coffee*
— LadyLizz