Hey! I'm not sure what is this. A monologue in a play, an opening of a book, a mysterious short story, or anything else. But, I kind of like it! There is a real lack of information because it's just the first part my brain has spawned, but I would like to get some critique to use for the following chapters.
I was born on the dark hill. Monte Escuro.
Under the darkness, which was under the light. Or, under the darkness, which was under the darkness; it depends on what time it was.
It was seven-thirty in the evening. Or deep in the night, depending on when you usually go to bed.
But I still don't know about the darkness and the light layers issue, because I don't know what time of day the sun sets in Sao Miguel usually.
Usually the sun sets at seven-thirty in the evening, in Sao Miguel. So I was born when there was a sunset. How romantic.
But it wasn't romantic, because the mother was probably screaming a lot, and there must have been a lot of blood, and we would not have been in love either because otherwise it would have been an incest.
She was blonde. And quite thin. Yes, thin. Her teeth were untidy. She was not wearing pretty clothes. Not like me.
When I was born I didn't wear any clothes at all, except for my skin, which is not a garment, but sometimes clothes are made of poor animal's skin, which is leather, so it's similar.
She had a big brown backpack. A huge one, like in the army, but smaller, even though it was big. And she also had a walking cane. Not like Yaron's Grandfather's, like mine... but smoother and not made of wood.
My cane is perfect. I found it on a trip to the desert a year ago. It was under a tree, which must have been its father. It's thick and strong, and once it broke when Yaron played with it, but then I glued it back with several types of glue (masking tape and liquid glue and hot glue-gun and three seconds glue that took seven) and it was in one again. I take him to places, but it's not childishly like the cane is my teddy-bear, it's in a way that threatens others not to do bad things to me, because, you know, I have a perfect cane.
This is written so beautifully! It is written almost like through a child's eyes, but mature and with an incredible understanding of the world.
It is also so mysterious and makes the reader want to read more and more and more.......
This is a perfect example of a book that I would start reading and finish it in less than a day, because the start is so remarkable, and also all of the other chapters!
Hello omer,
The first thing I have to say is your writing style is so distinct. It feels like something written a century earlier. And the tone feels satirical because there were a lot of places where I laughed. I've always loved writing like this!
The lack of information that you said in the beginning definitely plays into the mystery element.
I have noticed some things that need fixing, so let's go through them!
I was born on the dark hill. Monte Escuro.
Or, under the darkness, which was under the darkness; it depends on what time it was.
Usually the sun sets at seven-thirty in the evening, in Sao Miguel. So I was born when there was a sunset. How romantic.
But it wasn't romantic, because the mother was probably screaming a lot, and there must have been a lot of blood, and we would not have been in love either because otherwise it would have been an incest.
Grammar
1.
My cane is perfect. I found it on a trip to the desert a year ago. It was under a tree, which must have been its father. It's thick and strong, and once it broke when Yaron played with it, but then I glued it back with several types of glue (masking tape and liquid glue and hot glue-gun and three seconds glue that took seven) and it was in one again. I take him to places
But I still don't know about the darkness and the light layers issue, because I don't know what time of day the sun sets in Sao Miguel usually.
But I still don't know about issue of the darkness and the light, because I don't know what time of day the sun sets in Sao Miguel.
So I was born when there was a sunset. How romantic.
When I was born I didn't wear any clothes at all, except for my skin, which is not a garment, but sometimes clothes are made of poor animal's skin, which is leather, so it's similar.
When I was born I didn't wear any clothes at all, except for my skin. It isn't a garment, but sometimes clothes are leather, which is animal's skin.
I glued it back with several types of glue (masking tape and liquid glue and hot glue-gun and three seconds glue that took seven) and it was in one again.
I repaired it with masking tape and several types of glue, liquid glue and hot glue-gun glue and three seconds glue that took seven, and it was one again.
I take him to places, but it's not childishly like the cane is my teddy-bear, it's in a way that threatens others not to do bad things to me, because, you know, I have a perfect cane.
I take him to places, but not childishly, like the cane is my teddy-bear, but in a way that threatens others not to do bad things to me, because I have the perfect cane.
Not like Yaron's Grandfather's, like mine... but smoother and not made of wood.
But I still don't know about the darkness and the light layers issue, because I don't know what time of day the sun sets in Sao Miguel usually.
Usually the sun sets at seven-thirty in the evening, in Sao Miguel.
How romantic.
But it wasn't romantic, because the mother was probably screaming a lot, and there must have been a lot of blood, and we would not have been in love either because otherwise it would have been an incest.
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