Her screams tore my heart apart. I knew that I couldn't help her, it was all her doing. I held her cold, stone like hand and prayed that everything would work out. As her body went limp, and a new smaller cry came, i knew i wasn't prepared. It wasn't unlikely that childbirth caused death. Nowadays, it was like a death sentence.
I was only fifteen. The youngest child of my family and possibly the most bitter. My older sister, had just thrown away her life giving birth to the newest member of our family. My soon to be young son.
I was a healer, but I couldn't even help my own flesh and blood. She didn't want help.
Her pulse soon, stopped. Kaleb bent over her, and kissed her paled cheek. He knew just as much as I did, that she could not come back.
My sister, was like my mom growing up. My mom was a healer and her job occupied the majority of her life. My sister was the one who was there to dry my tears, fix food for dinner and even tend to my many broken hearts. My older brothers, were the dad figures. Yelling at the boys, who seemed to go, just as quickly as they came, and making sure we had necessities to live. I was the one, who worked, schooled and lived a hard life tending to three smaller children- now four.
The baby was now in my hands. His plump little face glanced curiously at me. His dark auburn hair, light blue eyes and his little lips, mirrored his mothers.
A soft cry woke me from the recurring dream, of my sisters death and the birth of her son. It was happening frequently, always progressing and getting more detailed. Sometimes, i would wake up, with the family by my side. My screams would wake and frighten them. My brothers knew that i was in pain. I couldn't understand why it was her time to go. My undying faith kept me believing that it was for the better, but i missed her so much, it left an unfulfilled burn in the pit of my stomach. I kept expecting her to just be there one day. When i walked down into the parlor that she would have been there, taking care of the children and doing her best at succeeding in life.
I was the mom now. I was they're everything. The boys, had gone on a mission for two weeks so i was stuck alone with four children. The oldest was only a mere eight years old. She was a stubborn thing, but we all loved her just the same. The food supply was dying down. I needed to go out hunting. I left Mia in charge. She might have been only eight years old, but she was the pack leader and taking care of two three year old wouldn't take much of a duty. I took the baby with me. He was safer with me than anywhere else. He was in a bundle wrapped around me, like a hammock attached to a tree. I took a knife and a bow and arrow. For a girl i was pretty talented, with such a tool.
The baby clung to my back, as i raced through the forest silently. I saw a quick shadow and loaded my bow. Soon, it looked as though shadows appeared everywhere. As i glanced around, something shined from behind a tree. The sun reflected off of it, and made a glistening ray of sunshine burn my eyes. It was a knife. A huge one. I took my arrow out, and put it in the case. I slung the bow over my shoulder, and pulled the baby so it was now at my chest. I took my knife and held is strongly in my hands. Suddenly, a cry came out from the baby. He whimpered, and at that moment when i looked down, a dozen figures stepped out from the shadows. They were everywhere- behind, sides and even in front. The paint on their faces, they're silly looking clothing- everything about them was peculiar. They were silent as they gracefully marched around. Then, just like that i was out. The blackness seemed to take away the thoughts of what had just happened. Whatever they did, i passed out. The sun, turned darn and like the woods around me, it faded in the blackness.
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Thanks:)
Ill work on everything that you all have given me.
I appreciate it ALOT.
Ill keep you updated& post the second chapter soon.
& I know I never capalize I. Hahah:)
Ill work on it!:)
Hiya! I'll just point out some lines/paragraphs that are a little confusing to me, since Sakura has been very kind and gone through grammar.
This line made me think that the narrator was a guy with..... issues. Please put the explanation behind this line in sooner. Much sooner.
Who is Kaleb?
Those are just a couple of lines that bugged me. Some general comments:
Slow down: You go from one event to the next rather quickly here. Slow it down a little. Show us how the family is coping without their older sister, show the mom not being around to help out with the children, show us the quality of the house, ect.
Time period? I'm having a hard time placing what time period this is. "Mom" and some other bits of languages (like the expressions she uses to describe herself) make me think it's around the 1900s while the setting itself makes me think it's set in North America somewhere around the time when the Native Americans were fighting the English.
Commas- There are only three types of commas (technically, since this is a work of fiction, there are four). They are:
List- Pretty obvious.
Intro- Introducing something in a sentence or adding something at the end.
Interrupter- They act like brackets. Anything that is extra info in the sentence (such as "placing his hand on the large metal circle of the handle"). You put commas at the beginning and the end of that. You should be able to delete the stuff between the interrupter commas and still have the sentence made sense.
The "technical" rule is- Put commas wherever you'd put a pause in speaking/reading aloud.
You don't put a comma anywhere else.
Hope I helped! If you have any questions, PM me.
~Rosey
phew, now I will get away with not being able to comment on grammar lol
Hi this is a good start! I liked the beginning, the death of the sister was a good way of drawing the reader in. I've got a few coments on improvement:
I'm generally not that good at punctuation but i noticed that through this paragraph you have quite a few commas that aren't needed. Its the same throughout the rest of the story too, I've put the ones you don't need in bold.
I understand what you mean but the sentence to me doesn't make much sense in the way you have phrased it. An alternative way of writing it would be to put 'before when i walked down into the parlour she would have been there...'
I don't think you need both 'only' and 'a mere', i would use one of them, also because you describe her later on as only eight years old.
'behind, on either side and even in front' would flow better.
They're should be their.
To me i just can't picture people marching gracefully and why are they marching around? Wouldn't they advance? Perhaps a sentence saying something like 'they were silent as they slowly advanced' would fit in better.
At first you say 'just like that' as if the process was quick but then you say the the sun turned dark and faded which describes it as more gradual. If you stick with it being a fast thing i would say something about catching a glimpse of the sun and woods before being cut off from all trace of light. If sticking with the slow then you could say something like the dark closed in.
I don't think you should put 'whatever they did, i passed out' as you have already said that you passed out. Instead you could say you had no idea what followed.
If you keep the last sentence it should be 'The sun turned dark and, like the woods around me, it faded in the blackness. ' I'd replace in the to into aswell.
Sorry if i'm being a bit harsh- i did really like it! I hope you write more, i want to know what happens next
Hey, Olivia Campbell. Nice to meet you.
I haven't seen you around before... perhaps you should go and introduce yourself on the welocme forum?
Unlike beckiw, my specialty is grammar.
Let the tearing, er, reviewing begin!
You never totally explain how this was the sister's doing.
The whole time your MC is fretting over her sister, she should be more worried about the infant. Women need help giving birth, babies don't just pop out. ^_^
-ALWAYS capitalize I.
-Prepared for what?
Remove the comma after sister.
Do you mean her nephew or her adopted son?
Maybe let the sister say this.
Remove the comma after did.
Remove the comma after sister.
Change my to me.
Also: Saying my "sister was like my mom" makes me think that the sister was similar to your MC's mother.
I would say "Growing up, my sister was like a mother to me."
Remove the comma:
-The one after go
Shouldn't the baby be crying?
Also, babies are far from attractive when they arrive. They are red, crying and covered with nasty stuff we don't like to think about. ^_^
Always. Always. Capitalize I.
Should be: their everything
Remove the comma after boys.
Capitalize I.
Remove the comma and capitalize I.
Capitalize all the I's.
Also, this part is sort of confusing. All I comprhended was. "Shiny! It's shining! A knife! Figures! Shiny! Darkness."
What hapened?
Overall
This was pretty good. You just need to work on your grammar.
I'd like to give you a tip on comma usage.
Read the sentence outloud.
Where do you naturally pause? Add a comma there.
Example.
Hey [pause] Jane.
Therefore, it is written: "Hey, Jane."
Understand? If you need more help with those, ask me.
Showing not Telling
Use more description. Don't just tell me what happened, use description to show me.
For example, when the sister is dying:
This is what you say:
To make it more interesting, use dialogue and description.
My version:
I massage her sweaty temples and said softly, "Oh, [insert name here], I could..."
She shook her head violently. A stray lock of hair stuck to her wer forhead. I pushed it back lovingly.
Which do you think is more interesing? ^_^
Use Dialogue
This story reads like an outline. No one talks. When you MC goes out hunting, what do her siblings say? Does your MC croon softly to the baby? Dialogue makes your story interesting and teaches the reader about characters.
Hope I wasn't too harsh, it was good. It just needs work like any story.
^_^
-Sakura
Well I can't say anything about grammar because I am useless at it lol but I'll try and suggest a few other things.
Hope I wasn't too harsh!
I quite like your writing style, at some points it flows quite nicely, however, at other points it sort of confused me.
The point where I got most confused was the end paragraph. I wasn't really sure what was happening, where she was, the position of the baby, the gleaming knife. I don't know it just got quite confusing lol
I also would have liked to get to know something more about the main character. I know her circumstance and her age but not much else. As I have said in other reviews I like to see part of people's day to day lives before the main event. I felt like I didn't get a chance to connect with her properly before the people in the trees arrived. I didn't care enough about her to be terribly worried and that is always important for me.
Otherwise though I thought it was good, as I said I quite like your style. I hope you update with more chapters soon
Hey, Olivia Campbell! Nice to meet you!
I haven't seen you around here... perhaps you should go and introdcue yourself in the welcome forum?
Anyway, one of the rules here at YWS is that you should have two reviews of others' work before you post your own. So go get those reviews done!
Shouldn't she be concerned about the child? Women need more help giving birth than that...
Always capitalize I.
Maybe, "my soon to be adopted son" would make more sense.
He knew just as much as I did, that she could not come back.
If you read this, and want to give opinions or help. Feel Free. Im okay with whatever you say- and would gladfully take suggestions.
Thanks:)