I am peeping through the paper blinds to see if the day is still light. The darkness is trickling to the ground but it’s not there yet and the big, yellow-balloon sun is still resting on top of the roof across the street, flaming lots of beautiful pollutant-inspired colors. I’m waiting for it to drop already so I can open up the window and slip outside. I won’t risk it before darkness.
Dropping the blinds back into place, I lie back on my bed. You will never know an evening more beautiful than the ones in Los Angeles. You will never feel the air turn pink, like it does here, and watch it pour through the flimsy blinds, refracting and doubling on the closet mirrors. Even though, right now, in my agitated state, I can barely appreciate it--
We are moving and I won’t go.
I’ll climb out my dirty bedroom window before I’ll ever let a single person remove a single part of this life from me. I’ll wait till dark and I’ll do it. And I won’t think too much, and I won’t bring too much, and I won’t ever say a word.
They want to bring me to New York, where the humid nights eat you up, and where the sky is too overcast to ever turn pink. I have been to New York and walked bent through the heavy air. I’ve been all over New York, where the grimy subway roars by, and they make you get on it, one hand on your shoulder, one hand on a sweaty pole.
So I won’t go. I won’t. I’m going to stay in this great, flat city. I am going to watch a billion identical sunsets after this. And it’s all going to start with one young leg out the window.
I roll over and try to nap. Through my bedroom door runs the sleepy talk of the tv and my parents shifting on an old couch. I know if I close my eyes for just fifteen minutes then the time will come. Tomorrow morning, early, they will knock on my door with their suitcases piled in the living room. They will knock on my door and no sound will come back. I’ll be eight hours away by then, leaning on some alleyway wall in some alleyway they’ve never seen.
I wait fifteen twisted minutes with my eyes closed. I'm following a mistaken, arduous path of counting to sixty fifteen times. It's tripping up and broken, but it calms me slowly and rhythmically... I eventually lift myself up and kneel on the mattress, my eyes open and peeking through the blinds.
I’m spun with adrenaline by what I see.
It’s black as one of those liquid, velvet cats you see sliding in a dark smear down the side of some gravel alley. I have seen so many of them. I have touched them tentatively and fed them. I have seen the pure and deep blackness of their fur, and that’s what I’m seeing now. The dark is so dark you wouldn’t know that pink even existed.
And still the sleepy tv talk comes trailing from the living room...
My backpack is next to me on my bed. I hold onto one strap and with my other hand lift open my bedroom window. My familiar, old bedroom window. Oh man, how many times have I looked out of you, you know? How many times have you shown me the same exact scene? The same tree and the same house across the street. The same alleyway entrance full of shaggy fruit trees, oh and my favorite cats, and my favorite pebbles and stone walls. It’s all my favorite. When you have to leave, anything is your favorite. I lift open my favorite bedroom window, and one young leg pokes out.
Of course, this is the last time I will ever see this bedroom window again.
I think I am escaping those who want to move me, but I am only moving myself.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hi there!
This is a short, sweet, and to-the-point story. I like it! I wonder if you'll continue it? It'd be interesting to see what happens to her now that she's running away.
First off, I wonder if she's blind? I think she can tell if it gets dark or not without going to the window, especially if her lights are all turned off. You kind of end up not seeing very well when it gets dark! I could tell you were trying to set up some sort of metaphor thing with the window and how it was full of memories, buuut she should still be able to notice if it's dark or not.
I hope this kid is young and naive 'cause it's really rather silly of her to run away just to avoid New York's subways. In fact, I hope she's five and undisciplined; but judging from how the narrator told the story here, she sounds much more intelligent. It blows my mind that she would stay for the sky. I'm pretty sure New York has a sky. And also, she said it's been a while since she went to New York, so she may be judging this all on a biased opinion from a naive child (I guess that means she's not five, ja?). This just blows my mind. Maybe that's just me though and this was the point, but I didn't much like the very little logic going through her mind.
Those are the only points I found, actually. Just what was going through her mind. This is written in first person too, so taking the time to explain these questions wouldn't hurt that much at all!
Keep writing!
Jabber, the One and Only!
1) This should be seperated into two sentences. The big should start the next sentence.
2) there should be a comma after ground.
3) There should be a comma between balloon and yellow not -.
4) I love the description
There should be a comma after the word already
Beautiful description
There is no need for -- at the end of that sentence.
there should be a comma after moving
A comma after dark
Never, ever start a sentence with the word And or But. Avoid this as much as possible. In this case it can just be eliminated. Also the And after the word much is not need because it is a sequence of events.
Beautiful decription
A comma after the word York is needed
A comma after so
Once again never start a sentence with the words And or But. In this case you can combine it with the sentence before it by making the A in and lower case and the period before it a comma.
A comma after the word door is needed
The repition of 'some' alleyway i a little boring. How bout eliminating the first some and then keep the next some
Bravo, you wrote out the numbers instead of just putting them like this 15, 60. Awesome job
The ... is pointless here, unless I am mistaken if so please let me know. .
Amazing description.
And should never start a sentence, in this case it can be eliminated, and the ... once is not needed unless I just don't understand the purpose.
This is a fragment, it has no verb, which doesnt make it a full sentence.
A fragment, no verb.
Wow I really like this last line.
Overall this was an awesome piece. Lots of great description. if you ever need anything or have any questions please PM me. Also if you post another chapter of this please PM me.
Have a great day,
Tiffany