Published February 24, 2010
you may find, my poetry is different to many others. i break rules, i hate with a passion, poetry that is simply a few beautiful, but overused words, to describe a sunset - yes, perhaps the poem has depths, layers of meaning (trust me, i went on a course about layers of meaning) but still, it does not appeal to me as much as poetry, that just makes you think "what the f-." i like complex words, i like weird layouts - poetry is a verbal art, but for centuries we have recorded it - the layout is actually intended, as when you read it out, it speeds up, slows down, breaks through, etc. perhaps you don't like it this way, but i do. a lot of people don't like, nor understand my poetry, however, i am proud of it, because to me, it describes everything - the complexity is pretty much my emotions, my thoughts - always muddled, always confused and ALWAYS complex.
yes, the words porcelain, virgin, kiss, sweet, sleeve, heart, etc are all meant to be overused, its not that i couldn't think of other words for it - its meant to be emphasized, and overused, when its read aloud, it sounds better - it echoes.
virgin kiss.
porcelain doll, heart strewn sleeve,
pastel cheeks,
delicate, whispers,
whilst, pondering on that
virgin kiss that
tasted so sweet,
or at least i... think
about you, and me, and
that kiss so sweet, the grasp on
reality.
no kiss so sweet, no you but me,
no porcelain doll, that
virgin love never kissed me,
but bit my delicate heart strewn sleeve,
on the porcelain doll that slipped from my hand,
the virgin kiss that took a miss-
ed the chance, to grasp that delicate doll,
porcelain doll, still with the virgin
kissed goodbye, to the heart on her sleeve and
SMASHED, her porcelain lips,
and pastel cheeks,
evidence lay there, the heart loose on her sleeve,
but still left at the scene, along with her lips,
in shards to small for an aberrant boy's kiss.
fractured bones, porcelain lips, smashed without your virgin kiss.
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in reply to 13timmy24
the explanation was not part of the poetry, not a preface to it, however it was simply me explaining myself, as i realised not many poets write this way, so i felt it necessary. plenty people would pick up on those little things and criticize me for it, which is completely wrong, as they are on purpose. not trying to impress, just explaining. i have no one to impress, i obviously didn't impress you, did i? :L I'm the sort of person who cant go unexplained. i appreciate your comment, though.
in reply to clarakingofsnow
the porcelain doll was not an intended metaphor, in fact i used it after receiving an email stating something along the lines of a porcelain doll, which tied together this whole experience within the poem. i wanted the typical heart on her sleeve, basically because i always loved the expression and it is both a piece of imagery, and a saying. however i do like the suggestion of it between her breasts, however this doll, being based on a person, is incredibly pure, and to place it any other place than her sleeve seems inappropriate, as she is your typical, inexperienced, pure and delicate doll. strong on the surface, so easy to crack. and i wanted the whole heart on the sleeve to be that the heart is sewn on, as she is losing that side of her, towards the end, her heart begins to tear off her sleeve.
and thank you, i know i use too many commas, its such a bad habit, I'm trying to stop :L i like the idea of leaving all punctuation out - tbh, i wanted more spacing etc, but i kinda just put this unedited version up just to see reactions
thank you for all your comments.
Firstly, please do not write prefaces to your work.
Onwards. I like this and I don't like it. I don't like that you used a porcelain doll as the subject of this poem, but I do like the way she is smashed near the end. Porcelain dolls are overused and completely cliche. The same can be said for the heart on the sleeve. Can't someone wear their heart in their hair or on the cuff of their pants or between their breasts?
I like the way your lines flow. I don't like that you have 5489380989403281 commas. You could separate the thoughts in a less distracting way, or leave out punctuation altogether.
That's everything I want to point out. It took me two reads to convince myself that this poem wasn't written by someone who only thinks they're different.
-Clara
*P.S. Is the aberrant boy you? Because you try awfully hard to stray away from the norm.
I totally loved this! I love your style and you have some nice rhyme and its just really good. Great job!
First off, the explanation at the beginning was completely unnecessary. It took away from the poetry. You shouldn't have to explain yourself for expressing yourself, it seems more like you're trying to impress than explain. The poem was decent
This was amazing. I was confused the whole time but I got some crazy images. You're style is original and intriguing, please keep writing things like this. Good on you, congratulations.
i like it. sorry, that was dumb; let me start again.
i like the way this piece rolls. i am not sure if you intended it to be quick, or jolty, but that is how i read it. it just kept getting faster, then at the bottom it slowed. it was a beautiful, urgent piece. my favorite part was the symbolism, the porcelain doll. i really have no skill at poetry, but i feel that as long as poetry really affects you in some way, it is good.
this was a good poem. again, sorry for the vagueness...
Heya!
.
Ok, I have to admit, I loved this. The fact that you like to push boundaries is amazing, and is something that many people lack.
This poem is indeed, as you intended, an embodiment of the complex emotions that people deal with through their lives. I know that I've tried poems like this before, and haven't gotten very far with them, so you should be proud.
At first, I felt that the rhythm was a wee bit off, but I've reconsidered. Most of the poem is quite pleasing to the ear, when read aloud, and has a sort of, I dunno, lilty feel to it. I don't know if that made any sense, but that's how I feel about it
The only thing that I'd suggest changing is the ellipse after "or at least i." I feel that it would fit better with the rest of the poem if you moved the ellipse from after "i" to before it. Know that that's just my personal opinion.
Anyhoo, I loved this poem. I look forward to reading more of your work!
~Reddy
Hi!
I've said that like your style of writing! The porcelain doll seems to be a symbol! All in all it's great! Don't be shy to write more! It's a story about a true love, i believe!)
Looking forward to hearing from you and some new poems!
Maria