z

Young Writers Society



two dead; one body

by ohhewwo


i usually wouldn't post a piece i did for school, but i thought this was pretty good, so i am. i had to write a poem on any subject that was six to ten lines long. so, i get to thinking about murder, and how, maybe, when you kill someone, you kill yourself, as well. on the inside, as a person, you know? this poem has a certain, sort of backstory that you can create for yourself. i like to leave things for the reader to decide. but, anyway, enjoy.


and how you brought me to my knees
how i gazed into your gun barrel,
and deemed it your third eye

and how the willows mirrored your demeanor
how i asked "who has the power now,"
and for an answer you looked to the sky

how you saw my brothers on the ground,
and without emotion, kicked them
how for a split second, when you pulled the trigger,
i was the killer, and you were the victim[/i]

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37 Reviews

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Fri Feb 10, 2006 2:32 pm
*singsoffkey* wrote a review...



This is pretty much amazing! I love the idea behind it... I think it is very true. I don't know if this is killing in war or not, it kinda sounds that way when you refer to other bodies lying around. But, I just read All Quiet on the Western Front for school. And it pretty much speaks to this same thought... that men can't be reduced to animalistic killers and come back unchanged.

critiques:
I agree that you shouldn't start with 'and'... makes it seem like we missed something.

I really like how you rhymed the last stanza. Rhymes always serve to add emphasis, at least for me. However, it did seem a little odd when you hadn't used rhymes before. I'm guessing that this is due to your 10-line limit.




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Fri Feb 10, 2006 1:03 pm
Matt Bellamy wrote a review...



Things that worked
how for a split second, when you pulled the trigger,
i was the killer, and you were the victim

Things that didn't work
Starting it with and...it makes it sound more like a continuation from another stanza rather than the beginning of the poem.

Loved the idea behind this, and especially liked the last stanza. Good job.




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Sun Feb 05, 2006 6:08 am
Snoink says...



Ooooh... this is creepy.

My favorite imagery is the part where the victim looks into the sky... beautiful stuff. Yet this is creepy all the same. Not in a bad way, mind you...

*rambles off*





The man who never makes a mistake always takes orders from one who does.
— Anonymous