Published March 18, 2005
As he stood on the verge of enlightenment
He gazed out at his memories, at what he had seen before
And remembered his disturbed essence of self
Her body had been so rife with death
And glaze were what his eyes bore
Her sickly and burned face weas covered with welts
He welcomed his prize and lie down on the ground
His mystery solved, he smiled.
I don't like it. It seems inconsistent. It also just seems like words to me, and not a poem. There is a rhyming sceme that goes ABCABC. It's weird, because it's based on three, instead of two, like most scemes. It's based on how a certain religion began. Try to guess what it is if you critique.
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Maybe I'm just really tired right now, maybe I'm just stupid. I didn't really get it. Each line had good description but they didn't seem to connect. Once you personally told us what it meant, then I somewhat understood.
Haha thanks for the crit. It is Buddhism. I don't really like it. I even sort of think that it was a waste of time to write. It was too hard to stay in the rhyme scheme. But rs's can be sort of interesting, though, when they're not used childishly. Ive seen rhyme schemes that go ABCDEBCFABH... I didn't even notice it was a rhyme scheme at first!
It sounds like you're responding to this rather than you're the author. I think it's Buddhism, by the way.
First off, you spelled was "weas."
And glaze were what his eyes bore? Huh?
And screw rhyme schemes, they suck.
Basically, you're right.