Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Novel / Chapter » Action / Adventure


Demon Chapter I (needs new title-please read!!!)

by ohhewwo


This is based on a theory I have of Hell. It's in the Action Fantasy section because it just has'nt gotten to the action yet.

The crosshairs fixed themselves upon the middle of the obscure figure's head. The cold, heartless eyes that stared into the scope hungrily awaited the oh so inevitable fall towards the ground that they had seen countless times before, as their victims souls left thier bodies. The crosshairs were a sort of cross of crusifiction to Sade Moraniz, a pathway to whatever awaited them after their unexpected death.

"Surprise, surprise," Moraniz muttered under his breath. His gloved right forefinger took control of everything. It took place on the trigger and stroked it like a pet. Moraniz's low breaths grew even. He inhaled.

His forefinger suddenly tightened and squeezed its pet. Moraniz's frigid eyes watched once again the all to familiar death fall. Moraniz exhaled. He arose from his gaze at the now empty cross, and stood.

Moraniz was a very tall man, but somehow was not intimidating at all. His long, dark ebon hair stretched down to his waist in a neat pony tail. His scraggly bangs fell into his eyes, casting a murky shadow upon his cruel-looking eyes. He was clad fully in black, buckles strewn across the outfit. Unknown to many, a variety of bladed weapons were hidden throughout his garb, bearing compliment to his vague past.

Moraniz looked down at his weapon, an elegant, divine piece of art, given to him by a demon long ago. It was a powerful sniper rifle. The scope merged into the body of the gun, and gave remarkably strong magnification. Moraniz could see a victim clearly from literally miles away. The barrel was long, and attached to the end was a sharp blade, the keenest edge that Moraniz had ever seen. The fine weapon was black and silver, and was supported by a small tripod where the barrel met the body. It was millions of years old, and had been used by the greatest of warriors, angels and demons alike.

Moraniz looked down at the dark, lifeless wasteland below the cliff on which he stood. His victim lie on the ground, lifeless, about one hundred feet down, and three hundred feet outward. The ground was gray and reminded him of death, as did the overcast sky above him. A light mist was all around, slightly blurring the view. The occasional pach of grass or shrub was strewn around the seemingly endless field. In the distance, he could see large rocks and boulders, some gray, and some very dark in color. It was called the Death Savanna, and was very appropriately named.

Moraniz suddenly felt a cold metal sensation at the nape of his neck.

“Damn,” he whispered softly. He put his hands up, and slowly turned around to see a dark haired woman pointing a firearm slightly similar to his, only it was a pistol, directly at his face.


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
25 Reviews


Points: 890
Reviews: 25

Donate
Tue Sep 16, 2008 8:09 pm
Cobra says...



Oh, yeah. You say you need a better title than "Demon chapter 1." I have two suggestions for you. How about "Otherworld" or "Nightfall?" They're not very good but they're all I can come up with for now.




User avatar
31 Reviews


Points: 890
Reviews: 31

Donate
Tue Sep 16, 2008 2:47 am
Whisper91 wrote a review...



I only read your post, so you might find my remarks repetitious. Remarks are in braces ({}):


The crosshairs fixed themselves upon the middle of the obscure figure's head. The cold, heartless eyes that stared into the scope hungrily awaited the oh so {drop the "oh so"} inevitable fall towards {"towards" is the British equivalent of the American "toward"} the ground that they had seen countless times before, as their victims {should have an apostrophe at the end: victims'} souls left thier {spelling} bodies. The crosshairs were a sort of cross of crusifiction {spelling} to Sade Moraniz, a pathway {Why not just "path"?} to whatever awaited them after their unexpected death. {You begin every sentence in this paragraph with "the." Add some variety.}

"Surprise, surprise," Moraniz muttered under his breath. His gloved right forefinger took control of everything. It took place on the trigger and stroked it like a pet. {How about, "His gloved forefinger brushed on the trigger, stroking it like a pet."} Moraniz's low breaths grew even. He inhaled.


His forefinger suddenly tightened and squeezed its pet. {Drop "and squeezed its pet."} Moraniz's frigid eyes watched once again the all to {spelling} familiar death fall. {Drop "once again."} Moraniz exhaled. He arose from his gaze at the now empty cross, and stood. {How about "He stood from his gaze through the empty cross."}


Sorry, but I've got to run. I know it wasn't much, but maybe it will help.




User avatar
35 Reviews


Points: 890
Reviews: 35

Donate
Mon Sep 15, 2008 10:38 pm
The Cheshire Cat wrote a review...



Excellent job, loved the flow of the writing. The story has me intrigued already. I know what you mean about writing seeming so short when you post it, then when its first in your writing document - ugh. I thought you did a good job, though, working with what you had. I'll definitely be back for more.

A little bit of constructive criticism:

The crosshairs fixed themselves upon the middle of the obscure figure's head. The cold, heartless eyes that stared into the scope hungrily awaited the oh so inevitable fall towards the ground that they had seen countless times before, as their victims souls left their bodies.


The flow of this paragraph seems to be a bit off, and that second sentence is a bit too long. Adding 'The' at the beginning of chapters dulls down the whole WOW effect. I try never to begin a story or chapter with the word 'The'. An example of a revised version might be, "Crosshairs fixed themselves upon the middle of an obscure figures head, wavering for a moment before holding steady." Eliminating the 'The' adds more of an urgent feeling and gets your readers hooked.

The second sentence can easily be broken into two, while still holding all the the great details and power. An idea could be "The cold heartless eyes that stared into the scope awaited the oh-so-inevitable fall towards the ground. These chilling eyes had seen such a feat countless times before, as the victims soul left their bodies."

His gloved right forefinger took control of everything. It took place on the trigger and stroked it like a pet.


You use 'took' twice too close together. I think you should either change one word or delete it. "it lay on the trigger" or "His gloved, right forefinger grabbed control of everything" There are lot's of great online Thesauruses that can help out with repeating words. Google 'Thesaurus' and you're made ;)

Great job with your first chapter! Can't wait to read more!




User avatar
47 Reviews


Points: 1104
Reviews: 47

Donate
Thu Aug 21, 2008 11:52 am
mtempleton wrote a review...



I'm liking this so far - lots of tension. I'm intrigued rather than confused so its a good opening.

I think there are a couple of typos though. I'm pretty sure that you spelled crucifixion wrong and you say ebon instead of ebony? In closing I think you repeat "very" too often. The image of a place called Death Savanna is powerful enough. I think you just need to say that it was accurately named.

Is this me being pedantic? I don't know. Anyway, I want to see where this goes.




User avatar
25 Reviews


Points: 890
Reviews: 25

Donate
Thu Aug 21, 2008 9:27 am
Cobra wrote a review...



This is a good piece of work and you could go somewhere with it, but it seems to me like you're lingering too much on description. You've explored every detail there is and in some places that's a good thing but when you do it too much it slows the story to a crawl. Also, I wasn't sure what the bigger picture was. Is Moraniz in league with demons?
Have demons and angels come to Earth or is Moraniz in Hell? Are humans joining in the fight? To improve, describe what the situation is but don't add too much detail. Hope this helps.

-Cobra.




Random avatar

Points: 842
Reviews: 10

Donate
Mon Aug 18, 2008 3:59 pm
Daft Vader UK wrote a review...



I think tis is pretty cool... i think the detail was a little over the top but still OK. Maybe you could tell why he was shooting the thing? I think this would be a good chapter1, but maybe you could put a prologue in to give us an idea of whats happening... :D and why maybe hes got a sidearm pointing at his face. Maybe hes on the run? The idea is very good, and i think you could easily pull it off.




User avatar
297 Reviews


Points: 9917
Reviews: 297

Donate
Sat Aug 16, 2008 1:46 pm
Kaylyn wrote a review...



Okay right now it is sounding a little boring, you have to make a great first impression. You have to make them not able to put it down.

The description is good, but the scenes are confusing to me. Maybe you should make this your second chapter and explain whats going on in a the first chapter more.

Reword some of your sentaces and don't repeat the same things over.

Other than that I think your coming along pretty good, and good luck with your future writings.




Random avatar

Points: 1990
Reviews: 254

Donate
Sat Aug 16, 2008 3:48 am
View Likes
mikedb1492 wrote a review...



A quick note before we begin. I didn't read the other reviews, so pardon any repeats.

as their victims souls left thier bodies

You mean 'their' not 'thier'.
into the scope hungrily awaited the oh so inevitable fall towards the ground that

Get rid of the 'oh so' part.
crusifiction

It's spelled 'crucifixion'
Moraniz's frigid eyes watched once again the all to familiar death fall.

You mean 'to' not 'too'. Here's a few examples on where to use to and too.
'to' is used in places like- I went to the park.
'too' is used in places like- I had too much pie.
Moraniz was a very tall man, but somehow was not intimidating at all. His long, dark ebon hair stretched down to his waist in a neat pony tail. His scraggly bangs fell into his eyes, casting a murky shadow upon his cruel-looking eyes. He was clad fully in black, buckles strewn across the outfit. Unknown to many, a variety of bladed weapons were hidden throughout his garb, bearing compliment to his vague past.

You call that not intimidating? If I was alone with that guy in an alley I would dang near poop myself.
He put his hands up, and slowly turned around to see a dark haired woman pointing a firearm slightly similar to his, only it was a pistol, directly at his face.

Slightly similar? A pistol and a sniper rifle are practically night and day. Do you mean they have similar colors? You may want to re-describe it somehow.

Overall this was pretty good. Nice descriptions and a weird, although interesting, theory of hell. It was pretty good, so good job.




User avatar


Points: 300
Reviews: 0

Donate
Fri Aug 15, 2008 8:50 pm
ArmedToTheHorns says...



Well i really liked it. it was dark and reminded em a lot of my own writing style. But why was he killing this creature from the top of a cliff? he wasn't in danger. was he hunting it? is he exterminating them?




Random avatar

Points: 890
Reviews: 1

Donate
Sat Aug 09, 2008 3:06 am
bkparadox wrote a review...



If I'd have to say anythhing I'd say that I lost some interest, not because of the narrative style, but because the character was a bit stereotypical. You describe him as someone who should be intimidating but is not, and, shortly thereafter, describe the typical "bad guy." That is the point where I was beginning to lose interest. Though I will say, if you were to deliver more upon the instant mood you set, then I think it would pack some punch.




User avatar
375 Reviews


Points: 890
Reviews: 375

Donate
Thu Apr 21, 2005 8:48 pm
Dargquon Ql'deleodna wrote a review...



title suggestions:

within the crosshairs
Guns of hell

if you put more into the story i could probably give more than those titles and if u dont like 'em, fine. sounds good to me, but i am a complete action/fantasy freak so maybe its just me; i think it really good! :wink: :D




User avatar
129 Reviews


Points: 890
Reviews: 129

Donate
Sat Mar 26, 2005 12:45 am
Mattie wrote a review...



I think you do need to cut back on some of that discritption. It does get a little bit boring at times and overwhelming. I do like your view on hell. I once talked to this girl on the net that said she was a zombie and had seen hell and all this stuff. If you want me to I could send it to help you out. But I think she may be missing a few parts in the head if you know what I mean. ;) So get back to me about that if I still have it lying around.




User avatar
148 Reviews


Points: 890
Reviews: 148

Donate
Mon Mar 21, 2005 10:54 pm
ohhewwo says...



Yeah, it is possible to be over-descriptive (as I have found out), and this is only a small part of the first chapter. I didn't realize how small the piece was until I posted it.

In the part describing his eyes, it's personification reflecting back upon him.
I'll change the bangs part. Thanks for pointing that out.

Thanks again for the crit, everyone!




User avatar
137 Reviews


Points: 890
Reviews: 137

Donate
Mon Mar 21, 2005 10:44 pm
DarkerSarah wrote a review...



I think you used too much description for such a short piece. You should either take out a lot of the adjectives and adverbs, or make this a lot longer.

The cold, heartless eyes that stared into the scope hungrily awaited the oh so inevitable fall towards the ground that they had seen countless times before, as their victims souls left thier bodies.

This is not a very good sentence at all. I have no idea what this sentence means. It needs less words, or more defining ones. Also, his eyes can't really be heartless. He may be heartless, but his eyes aren't. They can be cold and hard, to show that he is heartless, see?

His scraggly bangs fell into his eyes, casting a murky shadow upon his cruel-looking eyes.

It's never good to use a noun twice in one sentence. "His scraggly bangs fell into his cruel-looking eyes, casting a murky shadow upon them." If this is not the idea you were trying to convey, then the sentence needs to be rewritten. Also, you have already established the fact that he is cruel, and that his eyes show this.

cold metal sensation

"Cold sensation" or "cold metal" will suffice.

Unknown to many, a variety of bladed weapons were hidden throughout his garb, bearing compliment to his vague past.

I think the sentence is fine without the second part, but if you were to keep it, then you should change the "compliment" to a different word. I have no idea what you mean by "bearing compliment to his vague past."

Moraniz looked down at the dark, lifeless wasteland below the cliff on which he stood.

"...cliff on which he stood" sounds a little weak, passive. "Cliff he stood on" might sound a little better.

I can see that you have a plan for this story, which is good. You just really need to work on not over-describing the situation.

Good luck!

-Sarah[/quote]




User avatar
10 Reviews


Points: 890
Reviews: 10

Donate
Mon Mar 21, 2005 3:19 am
legondre wrote a review...



emotion_less, I totally agree. The description was good, VERY good, but there is just way too much. I had absolutely no idea what was going on. I strongly suggest you lower down the descriptions and stick to explaining what really is going on. Most of the descriptions are irrelevant. But I know it's the first chapter, but still the first chapter is like a first impression. If people don't like it, they won't read on...

Hope that crit helped! Sorry if I sounded..harsh in any way.




User avatar
148 Reviews


Points: 890
Reviews: 148

Donate
Mon Mar 21, 2005 3:08 am
ohhewwo says...



The tripod isn't like a huge video camera tripod . . . it's like . . . eight inches off the ground, tops. Just something to hold the weapon up, you know? . . . yeah . . . but thanks for the crit . . .




User avatar
576 Reviews


Points: 6371
Reviews: 576

Donate
Mon Mar 21, 2005 1:58 am
Ego wrote a review...



The crosshairs were a sort of cross of crusifiction to Sade Moraniz, a pathway to whatever awaited them after their unexpected death.


"Cross of Crucifiction sounds impossibly repetetive...I don't know why...not mention you already said crossHAIRS in that sentence. It just sounds weird having to say so many words with a similar root.

Moraniz's frigid eyes watched once again the all to familiar death fall.


Should be "all-too familiar"



Just a couple comments on the gun;

Typically, a sniper rfile would not a have a tripod, for it would limit the mobility of the sniper consideralby. Also, a blade at the end would weight the barrel down, forcing the sniper to compensate for the extra weight and possibly spoiling his aim. Tha's all I'll say about that on ethough.

We do not know where the man is, nor do we get a description...perhaps adding this would add to the story a little.

Overall, a nice piece of work. I meant to read this earlier, but failed to :? Anyway, I'm eager to see more, so keep it up.

--Hunter




Random avatar

Points: 1078
Reviews: 333

Donate
Mon Mar 21, 2005 1:54 am
emotion_less says...



I know it's only the first chapter, but I'm very confused. Maybe I'm just restless right now, but the descriptions kind of bored me and confused me more.





My tongue must tell the anger of my heart, or else my heart, concealing it, will break...
— Katherine, The Taming of the Shrew