I landed on my right arm. It hurt, but I didn't have much time to acknowledge the pain.
I was on soldier mode now, mentally at least; I didn't have it in me to feel anything. I could only think of strategic movements, like a machine. Nineteen years in Moscow of three thousand and fifty could do that to a person, and three years at the thirteen districts could... there weren't any right words for it.
I flexed my arm experimentally, using the medical side of my education. Automatic tears filled my eyes- I must have shattered it, but I wiped them away quickly. They were blurring my vision.
I assessed the situation quickly, sinking into the soldier mode even deeper.
So this was what I knew: The girl, Chris, was my neighbor. I was still being hunted down by an unknown group- I stopped at that. I had a little piece of information about them. They weren't magical beings, at the very least. They used electricity bows with laser dots- that showed they weren't competent enough to deal with me, one lone target, without something to show them where to shoot.
Sweat dripped from my brow and the back of my neck, tickling as the drops made their way down sluggishly. It felt sort of nice, and I was more aware of where I was at once, the strategic movements pushed away into some corner in my mind momentarily.
I spared my surroundings one quick glance. I was in a construction site. What held buildings were magnets now, and the foundations needed to go deep. In other words, I was stuck in a hole.
The girl opened her eyes to a crack. She didn't seem to be able to speak yet.
I sighed. I really didn't mean to drag her into this. I was suddenly mad at myself, my head spinning with pain and emotion as they hit me at the same time. I could feel the blood pulsing in my arms that were still wrapped around the girl. Sure, Stefan, I thought angrily, save the civilian, risk your own life to save a girl who was better off.
The girl seemed to follow my train of thought. But she didn't seem mad, the lines of her eyebrows stayed smooth, and her jaw seemed to unclench. Maybe she didn't think she was better off with the monsters outside, after all, I was just another kind of monster. I grimaced at my own thoughts.
A loud crash brought me back to reality, as much as I wished to ignore it. I had to focus again.
So the group wasn't made of experts, that was a fact. How long will it take them to find me? Even if they did, will the laser dots still point at us? Would the magnets change their lead?
I still didn't look at the girl, only noting to myself absentmindedly a strand of purple hair that lay on the side of my arm; it stretched all the way until her head.
She opened her mouth to speak, but I wasn't listening. I had to calculate again.
Let's say they would find me in about ten minutes, would that be enough time for me to do anything? Running wasn't an option, shielding the girl with my body seemed ridiculous, and contacting Lindsey wasn't going to happen. I paused. Well, why not contact Lindsey? Sure she was on her… date, I forced out the word with disgust. But she was a good agent. She would have her communication ring on. But I didn't.
I looked at the girl for the first time. But any other brainwashed idiot did have a ring.
I dumped her on the ground in one swift movement, and then crouched down to take her hands. The girl didn't object, but I could tell she was wondering why.
Her mouth hung open as I took her left hand and pulled the ring without too much gracefulness. I twisted it once.
Part of my brain noted that the shouting and the firing sounds stopped, but I couldn't care yet. I could only focus on the task in front of me.
"Lindsey" I half growled into the ring, "get down here right now."
The answering reply was a bit muffled, and it came without a picture. "I'm already here you idiot!" but she wasn't just talking out of the ring- I twisted my head upward, still leaning against the girl in a crouch. Lindsey's mocking face smirked back at me from above ground.
"What would you ever do without me, Stefan?" she snorted. I half smiled in response. At least she stopped calling me boss.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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Hey Ofir, I'm back for chapter 3.
Grammatical mistakes/ nitpicks
Please don't just say 'it hurt'. Describe his reaction to the pain. Maybe something like:
'I winced in pain, but didn't have much time to stop and acknowledge it properly.'
Replace 'on' with 'in'.
I didn't really understand this sentence. Do you mean that he's been alive for three thousand and fifty years and he spent nineteen of those in Moscow? If so change this sentence to: Nineteen years in Moscow out of the three thousand and fifty I'd been alive, could do that to a person, and three ways at the thirteen districts could... there weren't any proper words for it.' (I replaced 'right' with 'proper', it's a better word to use in this sentence.)
The way this is written didn't seem right. Maybe you should change it to: 'The girl opened her eyes slightly'.
Remove the comma after 'sure'.
Add a comma after 'Lyndsey'.
Character
Hmm, to tell you the truth I'm starting to think Stefan doesn't have much of a personality besides being very soldier-ish. If he falls in love with Chris, maybe you could use that to your advantage? She sorta brings out the personality in him, and we see him develop from a strategic soldier into a caring human being? That is, if he's going to fall in love with Chris. I love Lindsey's personality though: stubborn, eager and sarcastic.
Description
Sometimes when you were calculating things I got a bit bored of it. Try descibe his surroundings a bit more, and don't just describe everything from his soldier's point of view, or it'll get to be too much.
Plot
I'm getting more and more into this. I still really want to know why humans are so mindless etc! And why Stefan was forced into being a bounty hunter just to not become like the others. Please elaborate on this some more!
Keep up the great work!
PM me if you have any questions or if you need any other reviews.
xxMiaxx